It is true that I'm not as hip as I used to be. It is also true that I was never terribly hip in the first place. But that doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot and so I thought I would help Vegas out and decide the odds for some of the big races.
(Don't miss the Grammys! On tv! Wednesday! Like I will! Let me know what happens!)
Record of the Year: Well, I haven't heard Mariah's or Kanye's entries, but I understand most oddsmakers like one of them to win. I've heard the Green Day song and it's pretty good. If "Hollaback Girl" is the Fiddler on the Roof song, then I've heard it too. It's okay, but how did that become the biggest song of the year? If the Gorillaz song is the one with the laughing then it's terrific. It should win. Let's give it, um, 2:1. In fact, let's give all my choices 2:1.
Album of the Year: Okay, the only one of these albums I've heard is the U2 one and I didn't like it much. The only other one I'm rather interested in hearing is Paul McCartney's. But even though Kanye West is way too cocky, no doubt he's expected to win a bunch of stuff. Let's give him this one. 2:1.
Song of the Year: I guess I've heard the U2 sing since I've heard the album, but I don't remember it. Which means I haven't heard any of these songs. But John Legend looks like a nice guy. 2:1.
Best New Artist: Hmm. Well, I hear it's between Fall Out Boy or John Legend, but we already gave something to JL. Besides, shouldn't someone named FOB get a Grammy? 2:1.
Best Female Pop Performance: I've heard the Kelly Clarkson song and liked it so much I'm embarrassed. We already mentioned Gwen's "Hollaback" and Mariah, which leaves Sheryl Crow and Bonnie Raitt, both of whom I like, but especially Sheryl. But I don't know either song. I take it this is what has been on the radio? Let's give it to that AI girl. 2:1.
Best Male Pop Performance: I find it hard to believe I've really never heard these songs. I mean--is it possible to never hear a hit Rob Thomas song? But Stevie Wonder's nominated with a song that has a title that matches a line in a Lionel Richie song. Given my adult contemporary format raising, (Stevie + Lionel) / 2 = Wicka Cool. Let's give it to Stevie at 2:1.
Best Hard Rock Performance: I thought Audioslave was a speaker brand. Huh. Well, I have heard one of the songs off Nine Inch Nail's new album and it was cool. Let's give it to Trent. 2:1.
Best Metal Performance: Again, I know nothing. But I don't see how a Rammstein song couldn't be cool. How's 2:1 sound?
Best Rock Song: Hmm. Foo Fighters. Weezer. Coldplay. U2. Bruce Springsteen. I wish I was familiar with these songs. Well, Foo Fighters are also up for Best Surround Sound Album, so you know it's a good song. 2:1.
Best Rock Album: Now, I gave this U2 album to Lady Steed two Christmases ago. How is it even eligible? I think for this one I'll pick that least likely to sound like the others. Neil Young--wanna Grammy? 2:1.
Best Alternative Album: Beck's Guero is the only other nominated thing we own and I love it. But I think Arcade Fire is a great name for a band; I'm always hearing about Death Cab for Cutie; I feel bad for not owning a White Stripes album (and because Missy Elliot likes them and I only know the Napoleon song); and apparently Franz Ferdinand are Scotland's best export since golf. But I don't like golf. Nor do I like guilt. But it is a powerful persuader. White Stripes, 2:1.
Best R&B Song: Haven't heard 'em. But Alicia Keys has a piano. That's hot. 2:1.
Best R&B Album: Earth, Wind and Fire? Are they still around? Give them a Grammy! 2:1.
Best Contemporary R&B Album: I haven't so much as heard of three of the nominees, let alone their albums. Since it's supposed to be Mariah's year and since I haven't given her anything yet, let's give her this--2:1.
Best Rap Song: Let's see.... 'Kay, the 50 Cent vote'll cancel itself out leaving.... Well, since Kanye and I share politics, let's give him this one. 2:1.
Best Rap Album: Master Fob has made me want to hear Common's album, which is a powerful achievement. But let's face it: Kanye looks like Jesus. This one is his too. 2:1.
Best Country Song: I have reason to believe that, although most modern country is annoying, I may like Brad Paisley (though I have yet to see hard evidence). I have no reason to doubt how irritating Gretchen Wilson is. Also up are Rascal Flatts, Dixie Chicks and Lee Ann Womack. Getting all logistical on ya, I'm going with Rascal Flatts because their (his?) song is also nominated for song of the year. 2:1.
Best Country Album: Easy one. Gotta love Trisha of course, but the only way anyone can even pretend to compete against Alison Krauss for a Grammy is if they are either Lucinda Williams or Emmylou Harris. If I live a thousand years and never hear the album, it's still going to Alison Krauss and Union Station. 2:1.
Jazz Whatever: I haven't seen any noms for the jazz categories, but you know the Thelonious Monk / John Coltrane cd must be nominated. So it's going to win. 2:1.
That ought to cover the biggies. Print this out and make yourself a checksheet and rake in the dough.
Thursday, come back and share your awesome success stories.