Whited sepulchers


Since my General Conference post was lost in a lockup, I'll leave it for now and write instead about how beautiful I'm not.

A long, long time ago, I threatened a post on disgusting things like bodily fluids etc. That post is now.

I am going to mention two foul things that my body does, which foul things I do not know of others' bodies doing. Perhaps they do. Perhaps I am alone in my filth.

Most readers should now vamoose.

I remember once making a list of all the things about myself that I didn't know if other people experienced. For instance, if I eat a lot of Sweetarts, my tongue gets sore. I now know that is a common experience. The following two things may not be.

Last chance to leave.

1. Throat

When I was younger, I was often taken to the doctor for strep throat. Eventually I learned that some tonsils are porous and some are solid and mine were of the porous kind. Those white spots weren't pus packets but Wonder Bread caught in a hole.

I rarely see stuff in my tonsils anymore but stuff still gets stuck back in my throat somewhere. It sits in its little cave and digests in the passing saliva.

Then, one day, of a sudden, it gets loose and comes into my mouth, a little yellow knob of digested food. Completely digested and completely disgusting. I try to spit it out without it touching my tongue.

If I were to put it to my nose and smell it, well, it would smell like crap.

Not metaphorically, but literally, crap.

2. Large intestine

For some reason, Ross Dress for Less is, in the summer, the best example. It is hot outside and I step into the air conditioned coolness and everything a yard from my rectum turns to liquid and I have to run for the bathroom.

I could be sitting at my computer typing and a sudden breeze from the window hits my arms and I'm incontinent.

Maybe it's late fall and I'm sleeping on the grass. A cloud passes before the sun and I gotta go.

I never know when the temperature will hit a certain spot on the mercury and I will have to expel all sorts of foulness. I try to carry loperamide hydrochloride with me all the time just in case.

I have no idea why this is. I suspect my body decides keeping warm is its new priority and it has to expel all waste in order to save its calories for keeping the body warm and alive. I don't know.

But now that I have medical and dental insurance, I intend to get to the bottom of these mysteries.


Npi, I swear.


  1. You're right. I should have stopped reading.

  2. .

    Some people will never take a friendly warning.

  3. I too am a victim of a porous throat... I feel your pain.

    I think we're screwed- I don't believe there's any way to smoothe out your throat.

    Wonder Bread, anyone??

  4. Wow. There are no words.

    Well, there are words. And I was about to post them right now, but I've thought the better of it. I admire your bravery.

    Now for something tame: I dry heave whenever I brush my tongue, which is basically every morning. It's not that I'm really getting back there or anything. It's just the the brush on my tongue makes me dry heave. Once I threw up all over my toothbrush. True story.

  5. Blast, I only made one triangles reference in the whole post, right at the beginning. Tis alright though, I just speak about tact.

  6. .

    I dry heave when I brush my tongue too, so you're not alone.

    But then, they're only ever dryheaves.

  7. Wow, I had no idea. I'll never look at you the same again. If it makes you feel any better, I actually do have bowel issues somewhat frequently too. The worst is when you're at someone's house or out with friends and you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, but end up in there for 20 minutes or so. You know everyone is wondering what is going on, but they are all too polite to even ask or anything.

  8. Sometimes I sav my wonder bread for weeks before I find it again. It happens to me too--but only if I have important social engagements.

    You know what helps--and I'm not kidding--flossing. A lot of the bad-breath-causing bacteria is nestled between your teeth.

    Also use Listerine Spring Mint mouthwash, and when you are done swishing, spit it out. Then pour another 1/8 teaspoon of mouthwash back in and swallow it. Make sure it makes your throat tingle.

    {Also, sometimes it makes the rest of you tingle. It's alcolholic you know. And so am I.)

  9. Wow, you are a brave man! That said, I'll admit that Immodium has been my best friend on many an occasion!

    Oh, and as for the pleated pants, every hack men's fashion "authority" I've read lately says to stay away from pleated pants. They're just not "in" right now. That said, most of the pants in my closet still have pleats...