Faint hearts and queasy stomachs not recommended


(Sensitive readers beware! The following post contains vampires and bodily fluids, among other unpleasant things.)

When I was but a child, while visiting my aunt's house, I looked at one of her old Childcraft annuals (the book really is at that link, but you'll have to navigate through some white space to find it).

One of the stories in it was supposed to be a disproof of vampires.

Here's the reasoning: If there are vampires and vampires must suck someone dry (thereby creting a new vampire) every month in order to survive, then each month we have twice as many vampires as the month before. All of you who have foolishly agreed to pay a worker one penny the first day, to be multiplied by two each subsequent day, know how quickly the numbers scramble out of control.

Let's see.....

One vampire in January.

February: Two vampires.

March: Four vampires.

April: Eight vampires.

May: Sixteen vampires.

June: Thirty-two vampires.

July: Sixty-four vampires.

August: One hundred twenty-eight vampires.

September: Two hundred fifty-six vampires.

October: Five hundre twelve vampires.

November: One thousand twenty-four vampires.

December: Two thousand forty-eight vampires.

January: Four thousand ninety-six vampires.

February: Eight thousand one hundred ninety-two vampires.

March: Sixteen thousand three hundred eighty-four vampires.

April: Thirty-two thousand seven hundred sixty-eight vampires.

May: Sixty-five thousand five hundred thirty-six vampires.

June: One hundred thirty-one thousand seventy-two vampires.

July: Two hundred sixty-two thousand one hundred forty-four vampires.

August: Five hundred twenty-four thousand two hundred eight-eight vampires.

September: One million forty-eight thousand five hundred seventy-six vampires.

October: Two million ninety-seven thousand one hundred fifty-two vampires.

November: Four million nine hundred ninety-four thousand three hundred four vampires.

December: Eight million three hundred eight-eight thousand six hundred eight vampires.

January: Sixteen million seven hundred seventy-seven thousand two hundred sixteen vampires.

February: Thirty-three million five hundred fifty-four thousand four hundred thirty-two vampires.

March: Sixty-seven million one hundred eight thousand eight hundred sixty-four vampires.

April: One hundred thirty-four million two hundred seventeen thousand seven hundred twenty-eight vampires.

May: Two hundred sixty-eight million four hundred thirty five thousand four hundred fifty-six vampires.

June: Five hundred thirty-six million eight hundred seventy thousand nine hundred twelve vampires.

July: One billion seventy-three million seven hundred forty-one thousand eight hunded twenty-four vampires.

August: Two billion one hundred forty-seven four hundred eighty-three thousand six hundred forty-eight vampires.

September: Four billion two hundred ninety-four million nine hundred sixty-seven thousand two hundred ninety-six vampires.

October: Eight billion five hundred eighty-nine million nine hundred tirty-four thousand five hundred ninety-two vampires.


Time to stop --- after all, less than three years have passed and already there are no more people left in the world--only vampires. (Who, presumably, are starving to death.)

I suppose this was supposed to be comforting to me, mathematical evidence that vampires could not exist. I wanted to shout this exciting proof from the rooftops, sharing it with everyone. But I never have.


Because, perhaps, you would turn to me and say, "So you're the last one," as your eyes slit and your mouth opens wide.

And that is why you will never, not on this blog, not anywhere, find me answering straight the question, "Are you a vampire?"

It seems to me that is my business entirely.

(Note: I'm not getting to the bodily fluids and other disgusting items, but I'll leave the opening warning as a reminder to myself to get foul some other time. Maybe next time as, after all, the issue is closely related to coming out of the vampire closet.)


  1. Theric, my friend, I want you to know that you don't have to be a vampire. I, too, was once a closet vampire, until I found the New Mortality Ex-Vampire ministry. Through a long process of reparative therapy involving team sports and electric shocks, I learned to fill my need for blood through more healthy means, such as rare pieces of steak. It's been three years now since I was even tempted to suck a mortal's blood, and I proudly wear my "Kill a Vampire for Jesus" t-shirt everywhere I go.

  2. Is it just a coincidence that Diane Rehm did a story featuring vampires this very morning on NPR?

  3. .

    She did? And I missed it? Was it on all things considered? Man, I got to get up earlier so I can hear more NPR.....

  4. .

    What is it with us bloggers and our unwillingness to capitalize our names? When I was in elementary school I swore I would never allow anyone to get away with not properly capitalizing my name.

    And yet....


  5. .

    If anyone else happens here, I was going to use this link for "starving vampires" but decided it wasn't on topic enough and could be offensive.

    But it's really funny.

    Did I make a mistake?

  6. .

    Even E. E. Cummings capitalized his name!

  7. That was awesome. But I am a vampire. The thing is, you've got us wrong, we suck on peanut butter, if it weren't for Davis and Barnabee going out in the open and trying to suck peanut butter off some girl's necks cause they were drunk, suddenly everyone thinks we suck on necks. Blast it all. If i ever see davis and Barnabee, they'll be leaving with bruised shins.

  8. .

    Peanut butter ... blood ... what's the difference? They're both protein. To say one is better thant the other, well, that's just blatant hypocrisy.

  9. not to mention, we have evolved quite nicely and don't need to drain a human. in fact my clan has made it quite clear not to bit humans with out permission, thus we, (for fear of our leader)are reduced to sucking live stock. and rather nasty change but the taste does grow on you a bit.

  10. .

    I hear amphibians will be the rage in 2009.

  11. im prematurly sorry for my rudeness but it helps to get my point across.

    you idiot they dont have to turn!! the choices are this: drain them and kill them or halfway drain them and therefore sire them or 1/8 drain them and simply knok them unconchis! plus they can feed off animals like bears mountain lions even rats and every thing inbetween. your just posting this because your scared to admit that vampires could exist because youre scared that if they exist there inhuman streanth could kill you if you made someone mad not knowing that thayre vampires. id rather be superstitius than ignorant.

  12. .

    In that case, learn how to spell.


  13. There is a logical fallacy in your argument. Being bit by a vampire doesn't make you a vampire. Drinking vampire blood makes you a vampire. It's really quite different.

  14. .

    That's not a logical fallacy. If what you say is true, it's simply a factual error.

    At least, I'm pretty sure.

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