(Sensitive readers beware! The following post contains vampires and bodily fluids, among other unpleasant things.)
When I was but a child, while visiting my aunt's house, I looked at one of her old Childcraft annuals (the book really is at that link, but you'll have to navigate through some white space to find it).
One of the stories in it was supposed to be a disproof of vampires.
Here's the reasoning: If there are vampires and vampires must suck someone dry (thereby creting a new vampire) every month in order to survive, then each month we have twice as many vampires as the month before. All of you who have foolishly agreed to pay a worker one penny the first day, to be multiplied by two each subsequent day, know how quickly the numbers scramble out of control.
One vampire in January.
February: Two vampires.
March: Four vampires.
April: Eight vampires.
May: Sixteen vampires.
June: Thirty-two vampires.
July: Sixty-four vampires.
August: One hundred twenty-eight vampires.
September: Two hundred fifty-six vampires.
October: Five hundre twelve vampires.
November: One thousand twenty-four vampires.
December: Two thousand forty-eight vampires.
January: Four thousand ninety-six vampires.
February: Eight thousand one hundred ninety-two vampires.
March: Sixteen thousand three hundred eighty-four vampires.
April: Thirty-two thousand seven hundred sixty-eight vampires.
May: Sixty-five thousand five hundred thirty-six vampires.
June: One hundred thirty-one thousand seventy-two vampires.
July: Two hundred sixty-two thousand one hundred forty-four vampires.
August: Five hundred twenty-four thousand two hundred eight-eight vampires.
September: One million forty-eight thousand five hundred seventy-six vampires.
October: Two million ninety-seven thousand one hundred fifty-two vampires.
November: Four million nine hundred ninety-four thousand three hundred four vampires.
December: Eight million three hundred eight-eight thousand six hundred eight vampires.
January: Sixteen million seven hundred seventy-seven thousand two hundred sixteen vampires.
February: Thirty-three million five hundred fifty-four thousand four hundred thirty-two vampires.
March: Sixty-seven million one hundred eight thousand eight hundred sixty-four vampires.
April: One hundred thirty-four million two hundred seventeen thousand seven hundred twenty-eight vampires.
May: Two hundred sixty-eight million four hundred thirty five thousand four hundred fifty-six vampires.
June: Five hundred thirty-six million eight hundred seventy thousand nine hundred twelve vampires.
July: One billion seventy-three million seven hundred forty-one thousand eight hunded twenty-four vampires.
August: Two billion one hundred forty-seven four hundred eighty-three thousand six hundred forty-eight vampires.
September: Four billion two hundred ninety-four million nine hundred sixty-seven thousand two hundred ninety-six vampires.
October: Eight billion five hundred eighty-nine million nine hundred tirty-four thousand five hundred ninety-two vampires.
Time to stop --- after all, less than three years have passed and already there are no more people left in the world--only vampires. (Who, presumably, are starving to death.)
I suppose this was supposed to be comforting to me, mathematical evidence that vampires could not exist. I wanted to shout this exciting proof from the rooftops, sharing it with everyone. But I never have.
Because, perhaps, you would turn to me and say, "So you're the last one," as your eyes slit and your mouth opens wide.
And that is why you will never, not on this blog, not anywhere, find me answering straight the question, "Are you a vampire?"
It seems to me that is my business entirely.
(Note: I'm not getting to the bodily fluids and other disgusting items, but I'll leave the opening warning as a reminder to myself to get foul some other time. Maybe next time as, after all, the issue is closely related to coming out of the vampire closet.)