2026-01-26

According to one metric, these are the two greatest soundtracks of all time

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I’m not going to keep in suspense. Here’s the metric:

Times in which Lady Steed and I watched a movie and immediately had to have the soundtrack. It was non-negotiable.

The first was in 2001. We were in Vegas, en route between Utah and California, pausing to visit my brother. We also caught a movie. We had to choose between Ocean’s Eleven and Amélie (can’t go wrong there!), and went with the former. We loved it. It’s such a cool movie and so well written and acted and edited, etc etc. Just a killer movie. And the music! The music’s incredible! I came up with a surefire money-making plan. Put a vending machine in theaters with cds of the now-playing movie’s soundtracks. I would have purchased it then and there, even at a premium.

Of course, now anyone can do that by pulling up their phone…and they’ll probably just stream it rather than buy it. This is an idea who’s moment peaked before I had it. The Nineties were the heyday of soundtracks and the idea would have made hand-over-fist from circa 1994 to 2000. But I think also you coulda sold plenty of copies of Help! and Blue Hawaii back in the day. Maybe they did. I don’t know. I wasn’t there.

Anyway, before we left town we went to Best Buy or something and bought the soundtrack.

Something soundracks did from this era (another example: Napoleon Dynamite [2004]) which I don’t like—even for movies I love and quote to this day like Ocean’s Eleven and Napoleon Dynamite—is intersperse the songs with quotes from the film. Sometimes they’re even over the top of each other.

Don’t do that.

The Ocean’s Eleven soundtrack got way less play from us because I don’t want to hear actors giving lines, even great lines, when I’m listening to the killer jazz riffs of David Holmes and people he likes, from Elvis to Perry to Quincy to Debussy. The music is so good. Even though they botched it, I’ve no regrets buying it. Great soundtrack. And, for 289 months, the only soundtrack in the history of Planet Earth to be so great we had to purchase it as soon as we left the theater.

There are soundtracks I like more. Romeo + Juliet is a favorite, but I knew the album years before I saw the movie (it came out while I was on my mission; Lady Steed had the album when we got married). Toys may be my all-time favorite soundtrack but, even though I loved the trailer, it was in and out of theaters way to fast to see first. Bambi might be the sountrack I’ve listened to the most times, but I saw the movie lonnnng before I bought the music. I definitely bought the soundtracks for A Goofy Movie and Garden State and Fantastic Mr. Fox because I dug the movies and their music but days or weeks or months passed before I bought the music. By the time I bought the Keeping the Faith soundtrack I couldn’t really even remember what I thought about the movie or the music.

But constrained to buy the soundtrack immediately? That finally recurred on Friday, January 23, 2025, after seeing The Testament of Ann Lee. A movie with music unlike anything else I’ve mentioned so far.

It’s a mix of old-timey hymns and noise music, but you get flavors of many other things here and there. Weirdly it reminds me of the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack (amazing, but purchased years later), but the reasons for that are hard to explain if you haven’t listened to Ann Lee tomorrow.

Ann Lee is sort of a musical. By which I mean it’s a musical but it’s unlike any musical I’ve ever seen before. Did you know it’s possible to make a musical excised of all its fantasy? I didn’t know that! But it ends up you can!

Sadly, this is not available as physical media. Happily because that meant I bought a download as soon as we got home but sadly because I don’t know, for instance, what tracks Alan Sparhawk sings on. There’s a lot of information I WANT TO KNOW about the soundtrack for The Testament of Ann Lee and it doesn’t seem to be publicly available (though this was interesting). This is very sad. Since no physical version, I guess Discogs will never know either?

(Incidentally, if this is not enough horror for you, check out the many, many AI-generated “books” titled The Testament of Ann Lee now for sale on Amazon.)

That Sunday, I listened to the soundtrack several times. It’s intense and beautiful and strange, like the movie itself. It demands that we ask questions about the place of women in our religious communities and the place for the ecstatic in our lives and the role of agency for good or nill and how beauty and ugliness combine to create meaning.

Anyway, since I wrote my review (which will go live here at the end of the month, or you can see a slightly different version on Letterboxd now), the movie has only grown in my estimation. I haven’t stopped thinking about it and now I can sing all the songs as well.

Two masterpieces.

The greatests of all time—at least according to one mertic.


2026-01-24

The first five books of 2026

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Baby, we're off to a strong start with this only-reading-books-we-own thing. Three excellent novels and some quality time with Snoopy.

Let me tell you all about it! 

001) Red Harvest by Dachielle Hammett, finished January 3

Incredible novel. It's been a while since I've read any Hammett (The Thin Man in 2019 and The Maltese Falcon in 2007)—well, I read the first story or two in The Continental Op two summers ago (and now I'm anxious to get back)—and man alive is rediscovering him each time that a blast of freezing-cold over-oxegenated air clearing out the lungs and brain of accumulated gunk. Bracing stuff.

Anyway, the Op has been sent to a presumably Montana town although the geography seems more Northern California/Oregon/Washington or Utah to me (the ops seem to travel north from San Francisco but Salt Lake and Ogden are the closest big towns so . . . I have more thoughts about where imaginary Personville might be, but I don't know that we can prove it from the text; ask someone whose read it three times), but it doesn't matter. It's a corrupt mining town and in a fit the richest man in town hires the Op to take down the corruption. Once he gets over his pique, he repents of that desire but the Op's already taken his money and dammit he's gonna earn it.

But the easiest way to earn it is to turn the combinations against each other and let them murder each other off. And so the bodies begin piling up.

This book moved up my to-read list thanks to Murderland which uses descriptions in the book to show how Personville must be Tacoma thanks to the grit and grime and, yes, murder. I'm so glad I did. It's having an immediate impact on my work in progress and, I suspect, in good ways.

One way it hasn't impacted me yet but I hope willis Hammett's acumen in ending something and getting out while the getting is good. Amazing.

If you've never read Hammett, perhaps the time has come. Read this one if you want to watch an alocholic take on an entire corrupt town, compromising his remaining morality every step and solving a batch of mini-mysteries every few chapters; read The Thin Man if you want to watch an alcoholic in an excellent marriage solve a satisfying puzzle; and read The Maltese Falcon if you want to visit classic San Francisco with another alcoholic with a knack for violence and clearsightedness. Or read another one and tell me what I'm missing out out.

three days 

002) Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, finished January 14

I really should have read this book years ago. It's on the list of dystopian options my students choose from and it gets chosen a lot—almost every semester. I'm finally reading it because a) a student who read it this semester gave me his copy because I hadn't read it and b) the book group I recently joined is discussing it tomorrow.

First, to refine a spoiler you surely already know (assuming you know anything about this book, which seems likely; it's debatable what the most famous English-language dystopias are, but my guess is Nineteen Eighty-four, then Brave New World, then Fahrenheit 451, then The Handmaid's Tale, then Never Let Me Go, the youngest of the five  (and the last one I needed to read).


Anyway, the big spoiler I assume you already know is that our protagonist and her friends (and most of the people in the book) are raised to be donors. The book is near-past (it takes place in the Nineties but was published in 2005) but the world of Never Let Me Go split with ours around World War II. By the Fifties, medical technology had sped forward more quickly than ethical deabates and a subclass of infertile children was being raised to provide the medical needs of society. Everything from cancer on down has been solved thanks to this farm systerm and people are happy not thinking about the implications.

This is the first thing about the book I most appreciated. First, how the will-be donors just accept the way society is, knowing they'll be dead—excuse me—completed by thirty and live their lives day by day, moving from vague awareness of the facts to absolute certainty of the facts' inescapable gravitational well.

That feels like a handy metaphor for / prosecution of our lives.

(By the way, only moving deeper into spoilers from this point on.)

These kids then adults never imagine escape. They never plot it, they never consider it, it's not a possibly possibility. At one point they wistfully imagine a deferral, but that's it. They will donate until they complete and they accept that. Just as we accept spending most of our lives working for wages, hoping retirement might last long enough to finally go/do/become. But escape? No.

As an aside, as in Klara and the Sun, Ishiguro is not great at writing teen dialogue. Once his characters age into adulthood, fine, but pre-adult characters speak . . . off.

Second aside, did you notice how Dr. Morningdale (a character mentioned in passing near the end) is totally Dr. Frankenstein? They even have the same address! And that address, all all Frankenstein's addresses, is the most ironic option because, you know, mates and all.

The way Ishiguro handles character relationship and his very British way of concealing emotions reminds me a lot of Ian McEwan. I like McEwan better but then I've also read more McEwan.

Anyway, the real engine of the book isn't it's loop-back storytelling or its individual scenes, but its story of repressed love which we the readers think we see long before the characters are allowed to bring it to the foreground. But the deeply subterranean aspects of the characters' relationships provide most of the intrigue, page by page. The complications of friendships and loves between the three leads are complex and awful but real and understandable. And so much more tragic and forgivable because they all know they'll be dead soon. Aren't you tired? Don't you just want to get started with your donations? So you can finally rest?

The book ends, with debatable necessity, with a long monologue explaining more (but still very little) of the world. (Note: I appreciate Ishiguro's restraint; the world is well built but its details are always at the edge of our vision.) This scene slows things down and it's primary purpose seems to be to make stuff explicit which we and our narrator know but which the characters, have not been forced to see clearly. I grant it's filled with key information my students always report on, but I'm not certain much of it is necessary. Why and how, exactly, this came to pass is less important than knowing that, having come to pass, it is accepted. Completely and utterly accepted by perpetrator and victim alike and no one questions the status quo. This is why the characters don't know until that near-ultimate scene. Fish don't know they're wet until they've been pulled from the sea. And then they, at least, don't have to comprehend the fact.

I was hot and cool (never cold) on this book as I moved through it, but in the end I'm certain it will stick with me. Which is a way of saying it deserves its spot on that top five I listed above. I have more to think about, to ponder, to discuss. And I'm glad.

UPDATE: At the book group, I mentioned that, in my opinion, the five best known and most influential English-language dystopian novels are 1) Nineteen Eighty-four, 2) Brave New World, 3) Fahrenheit 451, 4) The Handmaid's Tale, and 5) Never Let Me Go. But no one (beside son and I) in attendance that night had even heard of the book before it had been proposed and most of them read it without learning anything and...their experiences were quite different from ours. The same day, I read an Atlantic article that said Ishiguro's Remains of the Day is better known—and I'd been skeptical. But now.... Well. Have you heard of this novel before?

a couple weeks 

003) Snoopy's Guide to the Writing Life , finished January 16

After twenty years on my Amazon wish list, I decided to use a gift card I'd been given to finally buy Snoopy's Guide to the Writing Life, used. Christmas happened between my purchase and the books arrival and, for Christmas, my mother gave me a copy of Snoopy's Guide to the Writing Life.

That's comedy, folks.

Anyway, it's great. Lots of Snoopy-typing comics and some other literature-adjacent strips, intersperced with short essays by writers responding to one of the strips by giving Snoopy helpful pointers. They collected a mix of writers to respond to Snoopy's various interests (a selfhelp writer, Julia Child) and I suspect they were all pretty famous when the book was released in 2002, but most of writers just . . . aren't as famous as they were then. For every Elmore Leonard and Ray Bradbury there's three guys who names I don't recognize. (And for every Sue Grafton, there's just a bunch of guys. Including a couple I thought were men but it ends up they're just so old that by the time I gained consciousness their names had become girls' names.)

The book is good and I'm very glad to have a home copy and a classroom copy, but we could really stand for a 2026 version. You can keep Ray Bradbury, sure, but bring in some people who are less Schulz's contemporaries (or nearly so) and bring in, I don't know, George Saunders and Anne Patchett (just have folks at the museum factcheck them first).

Who are the biggest Peanuts fans among America's literari, after all? There's certainly no shortage of options.

somehow three weeks apparently

004) You Are Too Much, Charlie Brown by Charles M. Schulz, finished January 19

A solid little paperback collection from the late '50s.

Snoopy is pretending to be vultures but hasn't started wearing clothes yet, if you measure time by such things.

saturday/monday 

005) Ice by Anna Kavan, finished January 24

Because I may say things like this book is really weird and I'm surprised I made it through the first half, let me start by saying I really liked it. I thought it was powerful and moving in part because it was so strange and confusing.

But let me start by talking about the copy on the back of my Penguin edition.

Before we start, let me recognize that this text was intended to sell the book. And this probably sells the book pretty well. (It got me to read it!) But I don't think it's, you know, precisely correct. 

In a frozen, apocalyptic landscape,

As I'm doing this, I might as well get petty. There are a lot of different landscapes in this novel. Many of them are frozen and apocalytpic. But this phrasing makes it sound to me like the book takes place in one location. But it takes place all over the globe.

destruction abounds: great walls of ice overrun the world 

No complaint here, but this barely hints at what's happening. These great walls of ice aren't mere glaciers working their way southward and northward—they move faster than you can drive, instantly destroying everything in their path. 

and secretive governments vie for control.

This was a big part of why I read the book. I'm always on the hunt for good dystopian novels for my class, but while these oppressive-regime elements are a big part of the novel, they are more a consequence of a world in process of being destroying. They're not failed utopias; they're human response to apocalypse.

Against this surreal 

Completely agree that the novel is surreal. When nuclear weapons got mentioned over a hundred pages in, I was stunned. I had forgotten the book was published in 1967 and I had landed on an assumption that this was written in the Twenties or something. Because it is surreal—classically surreal—and it would fit in just fine with that era.

(More or less.)

But it's so hard to know what's happening in this novel. Midparagraph, our narrator may confuse another character for himself and something that just happened has not happened will never happen may yet happen what is time what is space nothing matters. Et cetera.

yet eerily familiar broken world,

What does that even mean? 

an unnamed narrator embarks on a hallucinatory quest

I assume this is just a way of repeating surreal without repeating surreal?

for a strange and elusive "glass girl" with silver hair.

She is the most interesting character in the novel. She is a child; she is a woman; she is a victim; she is a goddess of destruction surfing the sheets of ice as they devour Earth.

He crosses icy seas an frozen plains, searching ruined towns and ransacked rooms, 

Kavan (incidentally, she renamed herself after a character from two of her early novels) is a pro at describing frozen, ruined, and ransacked things. Everything is professionally awful.

depearate to free her from the grips of a tyrant known only as the warden

This is the third major character of the novel, the one the narrator occasionally confuses himself with. When we first meet him, he is the leader of a small oppressed nation. But then he runs away, girl in tow, just in front of the ice, leaving his people to be destroyed. He is cruel to the girl, but he does save her.

and save her before the ice closes all around.

He saves her from the ice over and over and over. But so, recall, does the villain. 

A novel unlike any other,

I mean, yes, but sheesh. Puffery much?

Ice is at once a dystopian adventure shattering the conventions of science fiction,

I don't know about you, but "dystopian adventure" suggests something more...dystopian and adventurous? I'm not saying this is an inaccurate description. I've already covered the dystopic elements, but it is an adventure in that he's rushing around the world killing people to save the girl, but this is no cheery Sean Connery Bond. And there can be no happy ending because the world's about to end.

Similarly, all "the conventions of science fiction" means is "we want people who are too good for space opera to feel sneakily highbrow holding this."

a prescient warning of climage change and totalitariansim, 

Is it? Yes, the ice is caused by scientists and politician, but there's nothing terribly precise about this "warning" that can serve as a warning. Same thing with its totalitarianism. It's bad. But you knew that. 

a feminist exploration of violence and trauma,

This is the one I'm most skeptical of. Let me ask whether, if this "feminist exploration" had been written by a man, would it still be feminist? I propose not. I propose, were this book written by a man, it likely would be read as deeply misogynistic. And if that's the case, what do we mean by feminist?

The "glass girl" is raped and kidnapped and beaten and abused. She is murdered more than once. She's thrown to a sea monster once! Her body is weak and fragile and gets more transparent and bruised as our male characters are unkind to her. The moments she show spunk or independence, they act quickly to destroy her.

It takes a while to realize that our narrator is also terrible. The novel starts with him looking for her hoping to rescue her and then she's destroyed by a wall of ice and then she's married to another man who is so kind to her and then the narrator realizes how easy she'd be to murder then her husband is no longer a cool dude and so we, as readers, attempting to hold together a sense of the romantic ideal, hope for our narrator to rescue her. But he doesn't. And then she's locked up by the warden as his little sex toy while our narrator has evolved into some infinitely wealthy (his billfold will never run dry) and brilliant adventurer constantly trying to navigate a Kafka'sTheTrialesque world to save her from the warden but then warden shoots her in the head but don't worry—immediately afterwards he runs away with her, saving them both from the ice.

But don't worry. Our narrator has all the traits of a hero (can escape anything, defeat anyone, never stops in his pursuit of his female counterpart) but he's no better than the warden. When the girl is snarky he beats her.

So I see a simplistic feminist argument to be made (men suck!) but it's no harder to make the misogyny argument (she gots it coming!). So calling it feminist at all strikes me as reductive and insulting. Whatever's going on in this book, it's not simply "feminist exploration." I don't think she would have liked that being on the back of her book.

a speculative literary dreamscape,

More tried-and-true cliches to let you know what kind of book this is, but I'm onboard with this one. 

and a brilliant allegory for its author's struggles with addition—

Booo. I mean, this is not an allegory. Your own copy says it's much much more than one thing. And while addiction may be a useful lens to read the novel through, it's hardly only that. It doesn't make my top three. Keep your dirty allegorizing off my fiction!

all crystallized in prose glittering as the piling snow.

That's fun. I'll allow it. 

I have a couple other things I'd like to say, mostly about the end, so maybe I shouldn't. But all the ideas of this book come to a head as everything is as awful as it's been and then she calls him a bully and his self-image is shook. He discovers the possiblity of kindness and becomes a new man. And they drive off into the snow, ahead of their final doom. It tastes like a happy ending. It's just frosting over all the bitterness we already have in our mouth and we're skeptical he can change and we know they will die soon along with the remaining remnants of Planet Earth, but...it looks like a happy ending.

But there there is this, as the novel's final sentence, tacked onto that phantom of happiness:

"The weight of the gun in my pocket was reassuring."

You tell me how happy we can be. 

three weeks 

 

PREVIOUS BOOK YEARS 

2007 = 2008 = 2009 = 2010 = 2011 = 2012 = 2013 = 2014 = 2015
2016 = 2017 = 2018 = 2019 = 2020 = 2021 = 2022 = 2023 = 2024 = 2025

 

 

 

2026-01-16

You're so vain you probably think this post is about you

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BUT FIRST, what’s the deal with Substack comments? I have comments turned on, but you can’t leave comments. Here I thought you were all just quiet people when, in fact, I wasn’t letting you tell me what movies you want to watch. Which is quite the bummer.

Fiddling around with that movie post, I got it so you can leave comments now (please do!) but I couldn’t get them turned on on another post where I wanted to leave a post (which is how I realized this is STILL happening even though I’ve fixed it over and over; why is this not happening on other Substacks?).

Anyway, the thing I wanted to say about that other post is that I was wrong. It wasn’t Helmut Newton who said that thing about payphones. It was a guy named Timothy Greenfield-Sanders. And this is the photograph:

(If you click on the photo, you can see the issue of American Photo it came from. I was right that it was no later than 1998 but my assumption that it was exactly 1998 was off by five years. You can see Helmut Newton’s photo there (his wife eating breakfast with her breasts out) and, um, a bunch more of “the world’s finest photographers...selecting the images they made that, they feel, provide the best answer” to the question “What is erotic?”

In case you’re wondering, they did not all choose telephones.

I found this issue quite by accident. I selected songs from our collection that had the word city in the title, one of which was Vertical Horizon’s “Life in the City” (which I didn’t know we owned and which sounds way different from how I think Vertical Horizon sounds). Anyway, curious if Vertical Horizon was still around in 2026, I looked them up on Wikipedia then I got curious if their albums all looked similar (kinda) which led to me learning the name of the photographer of their most famous album cover which led me to her Wikipedia page where I learned she made all those famous Betty Page photos once of which is what you’ll see first if you click on that sexy photo above. You’ll have to scroll down from there for the Newton or the phone-photo page. Anyway, how wild to see that photo for the first time in almost thirty years—accidentally!—just a week after I spent almost an hour looking for it.

But back to the comments, I’m going to try something different WHILE POSTING this lil essay thing and see if that doesn’t get the comments a-working. Please go to Thubstack and say Polo if it works. Thanks.

Marco!

Anyway, on to the post promised by the title...:

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I was recently “doxxed” by an old acquaintance in the comments to an old blogpost. Scarequotes because anyone who reads this blog and doesn’t know my legal name and place of employment probably doesn’t care. I’m hardly hidden. As an exercise, I encourage you to uncover my middle initial right now and put your time in the comments. My guess is no one will take longer than ten minutes and most people will clock in around two. (This guess is partially based on the assumption that my readers are old enough [ie, not Gens Z or α] to know how to find things on the internet.)

Anyway, the doxxer in question is a narcissist and probable sociopath. Deeply charming upon first meeting, I grant you, but he was forced to leave our shared environment because, after three years, literally everyone refused to associate with him. He called that a victory and went on to greater things.

I don’t know what he’s up to now (I have chosen to do no research) but I always assumed he would soon be wealthy, boldly living life at the edge of white-collar crime. But, if he’s reading old posts of mine and identifying himself in anecdotes, maybe things aren’t going so well? Or perhaps this is normal behavior for narcissists / probable sociopaths. I mean, I wasn’t that surprised he popped up. Perhaps, when bored at home, such people look for old enemies to rage against.

But it’s hilarious (-ly narcissistic) to consider me an enemy. You might need to be a sociopath to interpret our past that way.

Anyway. Carly Simon.


 

Whenever I heard this song as a kid I would get apoplectic and demand of my mother well isn’t it? ISN’T this song about him???

I mean…isn’t it?


2026-01-15

What'll be good in 2026?

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What’s your most anticipated movie of 2026?

I'm not sure what mine is, but I can tell you that this is most-anticipated-to-watch-with-my-wife and this is most-anticipated-to-watch-with-my-9yrold and this is most-anticipated-science-fiction and this is most-anticipated-superhero and this is my most-anticipated-sequel and this is my most-anticipated-period-piece and this is my most-anticipated-movie-sorta-based-on-a-book-I-often-teach and this is my most-anticipated-bicentenniel-tie-in and this is my most-anticipated-auteur-entry and this is my most anticipated horror and this is my most-anticipated-short-film and this is my most-anticipated-IP-resurrection, but, the truth is, I haven't really looked to see what's coming out yet, so I may be missing the most exciting possibilities.

But mine’s probably this one—




2026-01-06

Is this my favorite genre of music?

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I had a revelation last fall.

In the spring I’d listened to a handful of YouTuber’s talk about why Jim Croce’s “Operator” has some of the best lyrics in rock/pop history, analyzing the one-sided conversation and the narrator opens his heart to the operator he’s asking to place a call.

(There are tons of them and I watched at least three, but this is the only one I could find in my history.)

Then, over the course of about a day, I heard two of the other four songs below. And I realized

holy crap

maybe I just really really love songs that are half of a telephone conversation?

Because I love all these songs and they are all one half of a telephone conversation.

Let’s discuss them all briefly, shall we? By order of original release.

✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆

Jim Croce: “Operator (That’s Not the Way It Feels)”August 1972


Even as a kid, I had a thing for lost-love songs. A plaintive voice bemoaning the love who left without closing the door never to be seen again or bumping into someone with whom things can never be the same (still a year-end must for me) or, more realistically for wee me, a love that never happened in the first place.

Anyway, of these, Jim Croce’s “Operator” is one of the best, and its point of view—of a man talking to an unseen stranger through his longing for a lost path—allows him to work through the various stages of loss until he arrives at something like peace. It’s a resolution (if not quite a redemption).

But the key moment in the song is when the narrator says, “You can keep the dime”—rhymed with time and kind—he recognizes the kindness and catharsis he’s received from someone who owed him nothing. He’s released. He doesn’t need to make that call. He’s already made the call that mattered.

Two humans meeting and finding each other—anonymously, never to speak again—and yet having a connection, a shared meaning, within one, single, human moment. It’s wonderful.

✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆

England Dan & John Ford Coley: “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”May 1976


One thing writing this will do is reveal how, from a very early age, I was primed for heartbreak and lost love. Now here I am almost halfway through a century and I still haven’t had a single breakup and yet these songs still speak loudly to me. Let’s blame the human allegiance to metaphor, shall we?

Anyway, here we are. They’ve broken up. This time he gets her on the phone and…what does he say?

For a long time, I’ve assumed he’s saying, “I’m not talkin’ ‘bout the live-in,” ie, he’s not suggesting the get back together permanently, that he move his stuff in. Online lyrics sites are split between “I’m not talkin’ ‘bout movin’ in” (which he’s definitely not saying) and “I’m not talkin’ ‘bout the linen.” The latter one sounds the most right of the three and it could be a fun play on words with the next line (“And I don’t want to change your life”), so I think I’m going with it.

Regardless, he misses her. And while he says he’s only calling because “there’s a warm wind blowing and the stars are out” you and I both know that what he really wants is a chance to believe she might still love him ever so slightly—and that that flame might rise again if only, you know, she’d “take a drive along the beach / Or stay at home and watch TV / You see, it really doesn't matter much to me.”

I know, buddy. I know.

✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆ ✆

Lionel Richie: “Hello”February 1982


Brace yourselves:

This song isn’t actually taking place over the phone.

It’s taking place entirely within the narrator’s mind. This is unrequited love. (In the official video, he’s a drama professor in love with a blind student. I’m assuming professional ethics are what keep him from approaching her directly?)

But in my mind, it does take place over the phone. Perhaps he’s leaving a message on her phone. (Answering machines were almost a hundred years old but didn’t really catch on for another two years…so maybe?)

More likely, he’s holding the phone in his hand. His other hand is maybe holding down the receiver or possibly he’s listening to the dial tone and the song ends when it gifts up and starts blaring at him and he’s forced to admit to himself that he’s not dialing that number.

Not today, anyway.

So yes, he’s on the phone, but no one is on the line.

It’s very sad.

And I am revealing a lot about young Theric today, aren’t I?

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Stevie Wonder: “I Just Called to Say I Love You“August 1984


If you ever pick up a copy of Rolling Stone you’ll know that Stevie Wonder is a) one of the least sentimental most hardcore musicians who has ever lived and b) this song is the most saccharine piece of bubblegum ever inflicted on the American public.

Okay, Rolling Stone.

Anyway, he’s some kind of songsmith. This is an easy song to pull out of the ol’ internal jukebox and it works for almost every day. It the “Very Merry Unbirthday“ of holiday songs!

It’s also the first (and last) song on this list that’s genuinely happy. This narrator’s in a good place, lovewise. Here’s the opening:

No New Year's Day to celebrate
No chocolate-covered candy hearts to give away
No first of spring, no song to sing
In fact, here's just another ordinary day

But how wonderful when your ordinary is utterly infused with a lifetime love.

I just called to say I love you.

If you have such a you, make such a call.

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And now for a couple honorable mentions.

Nicole Atkins: “The Worst Hangover” — (never released as a single but 2014)


This is perhaps my favorite song (it’s competitive) off one of my favorite albums from the last fifteen years. Which means it’s not filled with childhood nostalgia and angst like the above four, but the real reason it’s only an honorable mention is because I’m not sure the verses are delivered on the phone. The chorus most certainly is. And the “I’m dy-y-y-ing” fadeout at the end is one of my most quoted bits of songery. I sing it, like, literally all the time. And no one knows what I’m quoting because Nicole Atkins has not has a Stevie Wonder–like career. But even so, most critics and fans seem to have written Slow Phaser off as being unlike her other work and therefore less worthy of consideration which is BANANAS because THIS ALBUM IS GREAT.

(Caveat: one song on the album I’ve never listened to because the opening notes prove it an ultimate earworm and . . . I’m nervous having it in my head all the time.)

Nicole, if you’re reading this, I WILL COME TO THE SLOW PHASER ANNIVERSARY TOUR. Don’t miss the Bay Area. Even if it’s just me and you there it will be the best night ever. I can’t wait.

(Unquestionably, this will be the best way for me to hear “Sin Song” for the first time.)

Also, Nicole, if you’re here, is your narrator on the phone the whole time? I think not but cannot say with absolute certainty.

You guys. It’s such a good album.

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Adele: “Hello”October 2015


I’ll also mention this perfectly good song that everyone expects me to mention even though I just like it. It can’t compete with the nostalgic power of the core four and it can’t compete with Nicole Adkins because that’s one of the greatest albums of all time and although you have a beautiful voice and I might respect you, Adele, I might admire your character, but I fear that I shall not be able to give you my undivided attention. Sorry.

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In other phone news I wanted to illustrate this essay with a photo of a payphone receiver hanging off its cord. The photo I have in mind was taken by Helmut Newton and appeared in an edition of I think American Photo circa 1998 (certainly no later than that). The issue was filled with single photos by famous photographers selected by the famous photographers themselves. I’ve never forgotten this photo, mostly because of what Newton said about his photo. He said that nothing is sexier than a telephone. Except a pay telephone.

Anyway, I couldn’t find the photo, but that information should help you interpret this sexy Newton payphone photo if you feel like clicking on it. Warning: sexy Newton payphone photo.