2007-06-12

Ninth Five Books of 2007

.

    This edition of Five Books is a little unusual. Since deciding to enter all our books into LibraryThing, I have become overwhelmed by the vast number of books I still have not yet finished reading. So, for a while, I am intending not to start anything new. This resolve may not be bulletproof, but so far so good. ¶ One result of this resolve is that rather than being a bit of book review only, these notes on books will be slices of Thteed life, taking us back into the history of the book finished and of my reading of it. ¶ You might take especial notice of how long I've been working on these books before finally making it to the end. Poor things have really been kept hanging....


Five more books


NOTE: speaking of
taking a long time,
if you notice that
this blog has not
been updated for a
long time, it is
likely because dear
Lady Steed is giving
birth. So just thank
your lucky stars this
post is really five
in one. Thank you.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






45) First Paragraphs: Inspired Openings for Writers and Readers by Donald Newlove, finished June 12
      Let me start by saying I hate this book. The reason it took me over a decade to finish is because I hate it. Keep that in mind and let it color everything else I say. First ParagraphsI hate Newlove's voice. Even after he manages a couple pages of great stuff, he goes and spoils it with some inane comment. He's the guy at parties you're desperate to avoid. Among other sins, he's pretentious, elitist and, well, just annoying. And this book, which is supposed to be filled with first paragraphs "written on Olympus," quoted very few openings that made me want to read the book. I was sold this book by clever book-club ad copy and began reading this "Handbook for the Soul" before my mission. I added a page or two here and there in the following years. A few months ago I recommended Mr. Fob check out the book's form out, warning him not to actually read it, however, and attempted to scare him off with terms like "barely readable" and "unreadable self-important nonesuch". This finish-books-already-started thing gave me motivation to finally get this albatross off me and into the sea, and I'm glad to be done with it. And although I still don't like the book, my hatred for it has lessened somewhat. I even tried rereading the first ten pages earlier today in a show of good faith, but no: couldn't handle it. So even if you won't take as long as I did, still: don't read it. Your soul deserves a better handbook.
    about twelve years, possibly more


44) The Universe in a Nutshell by Stephen Hawking, finished June 11
      I'm not quite sure why I interrupted my reading of this book a few years ago. Perhaps it got lost in a move. Perhaps it had to do with the Big O's birth. Perhaps I suddenly turned stupid. I'm not sure. But whatever the reason, I finally picked it back up a couple weeks ago and have now finished it. The Universe in a NutshellStephen Hawking is a character. It's impossible to read this book and not wonder what he is really like. Also: the line on particle accelerators in the last chapter is classic. I'm no physicist (alas), so I don't hold strong opinions on the theories presented in this book. I can follow the logic while I read the chapter, but as soon as I close it, I'm no wiser than I'd been thirty minutes earlier. But even so, I must say this: reading about hifalutin science like this is always a religious experience for me. There is no theory, no matter how self-evident or crazily impossible-seeming which does not mesh nicely with my understanding of God. I'm amazed by people who gleefully proclaim or hysterically stress that science is out to disprove deity. It's silly. As one hotshot scientist from earlier this century wrote, "Is there any conflict between science and religion? There is no conflict in the mind of God, but often there is conflict in the minds of men." I say let's just enjoy the beauty of an amazing world. You don't need a degree in math for that.
    as many as six years


43) Dune by Frank Herbert, finished June 9
      We have a first edition copy of Dune Lady Steed's mother picked up at a library sale once long ago, and I had been meaning to read it, but not until my book club picked it last November did I finally take the chance on it. DuneSo I read it last November. Yes. But I didn't finish the appendices until early, early this morning. My main response to Dune is one of wonder: like Lord of the Rings, it's great achievement is in building a world so completely and from scratch. I feel that any god could make Dune or Middle-earth without any difficulty, just using novels picked up at any used book store. And I consider that an achievement worth achieving all in its well-achieved self. Way to achieve, guys! As for story, Dune is strong as well. For a hefty book (about five hundred pages) full of philosophy and chapter headings that give all sorts of major plot points away, it is a surprising swift and thrilling read. And, again, I think it comes down to the fullness of its world's creation. Like reading excellent historical fiction, for instance. There are fair criticisms that could be made of Dune, but they are not so substantial that I could ever recommend you not read the book for yourself. Go ahead. The worms won't hurt you....
    seven, seven-plus months



42) The Gifts of the Jews: How a Tribe of Desert Nomads Changed the Way Everyone Thinks and Feels by Thomas Cahill, finished June 8
      I read the first volume in Cahill's Hinges of History series when it was still only in hard back. That book, How the Irish Saved Civilization, tells the story of Irish monks and how their efforts prevented all the wisdom of the past being sucked into the Toilet of Time. I loved that book so much that I picked up The Gifts of the Jews when it was fresh off the presses--one of only a handful of books I have ever bought spankin' new in hardback. I read under fifty pages and was so irritated by it I put it down and didn't pick it up again until the Fobs were visiting us and we were all hanging around reading books off our shelves. I picked it up and finished the first chapter. Which consisted of a lurid and nightmarish ritual orgy somewhere in Sumer. Which was pretty cool, sure, but the book went back on the shelf until last week when I finally pulled it off and finished it, lickety-split. The Gifts of the JewsWhen I started reading it again in earnest, it was from the perspective of annoyance I had a decade ago, when my opinions on faith were different than they are now. Somehow (I'm not even sure which passages now) I got the idea that Cahill was dismissing faith in YHWH as silly and unscientific and I was offended by that. Reading the book now, later, I have no idea where I got that notion. Sure the book is "scientific" and not a strict literalist's friend, but it's fantastic. Cahill's thesis, in summary, is this: Before the Jews, all societies viewed time as a circle. No beginning, no end. Anything of note was a gift of the Gods from time out of mind. Then came Abraham, who spoke with a God unconstrained by mortal comprehension, who told him to go forth, that his seed would become a mighty nation. And with this first step, we have monotheism. We have a personal relationship with God. And if we have a personal relationship with God, we must be individuals. Individuals with individual destinies. In other words, everything we read in the Declaration of Independence, for instance. Or "justice". Or universal education. None of that was possible before Abraham met God. Obviously, there is much more to the book than that, but them's the barest bones. And I am wildly impressed by the book and love it dearly and am now anxious to pick up a copy of volume three (on Jesus), volume four (on the Greeks), volume five (on Europe's Middle Ages) and the last two volumes when they are released. Bring 'em on! I could very easily quote you a few hundred words from this book to try and explain why I like it so much, but I wouldn't want Random House to come after me or anything. So instead, hit the library. Read the last chapter. And see if you wouldn't like to know how we arrived there.
    approximately nine years


41) The Roald Dahl Omnibus by Roald Dahl, finished June 6
      Truly remarkable that it has taken me most of seven years to finish this book! It may well be the first book mutually purchased for our mutual library after our marriage, purchased fall 2000 off the Bargain Books display at the Orem Barnes & Noble. I began devouring the book immediately. Dahl is an important writer in my life--two of the stories here ("Lamb" and "Taste"), read previously, are hugely important to my personal history--and I was loving each page. The Roald Dahl OmnibusLady Steed started reading it concurrently, then somehow she took the lead, then somehow she finished it and wanted to talk about the last story, but I kept getting stuck on the couple overlong, overdull entries, and finally the book was put aside, not picked up again until just this past week. I ripped through the final four stories and loved the journey and now this books is finally through. Ah, Dahl! What should we say of him? If ever Dahl comes up, my friend RC will immediately describe him as "twisted", twisting the word itself as he says it. And the delight he puts into torturing the word says it all. As anyone who's read Revolting Rhymes can tell you, the man is indeed "twisted"--really, can you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory without feeling at least a little bit insane? But the madness of reading Charlie or James is a very different beast than reading the dark madness of "Royal Jelly" or the casual evil madness of "Bitch" or the anti-literary science-fiction madness of "The Great Automatic Grammatisator"; Dahl for grownups ratchets things up in unexpected way, so that a delightful gag like "The Champion of the World" nestles snuggly up to the sneaky wife-swappery of "The Great Switcheroo". Don't expect children's stories, though they're every bit as great as his children's stories. Just get Dahl and expect great stories period. Otherwise, expect nothing. The man's hard to predict. (Incidentally, my bookmark for this volume has, all this time, been a ticket to Titan A.E.. We saw that crappy movie as part of a five-movie marathon at Movies 8. We were taking a day off from totally depressingly unsuccessful apartment hunting; newly married and if not for the kindly given extra room at my cousins the Sbooks, homeless. We watched ten hours of movies for five bucks. Not a bad deal. And we saw our first Woodie Allen film, which made the sore bottoms worth it. We've since seen many, many more.)
    almost seven years


TOTAL: Thirty-five (35) years-----five more years than I've been alive.



Puhreviously



40) Troll: A Love Story by Johanna Sinisalo, finished May 31
39) The End by Lemony Snicket, finished May 23
38) The Complete Peanuts 1961-1962 by Charles M. Schultz, finished May 22
37) The Penultimate Peril by Lemony Snicket, finished May 21
36) The Grim Grotto by Lemony Snicket, finished May 18
035) The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde, finished May 15
034) Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, finished May 14
033) Chip Kidd: Book One: Work: 1986-2006 by Chip Kidd, finished May 9
032) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, finished May 7
031) The Complete Peanuts 1959-1960 by Charles M. Schulz, finished April 25
030) Devils & Demons edited by Marvin Kaye, finished April 23
029) Talk Talk Talk: Decoding the Mysteries of Speech by Jay Ingram, finished April 23
028) Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman, finished April 20
027) The Long Chalkboard: and Other Stories by Jennifer Allen and illustrated by Jules Feiffer, finished April 19
026) Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis, finished April 19
025) Frank by Jim Woodring, finished April 12
024) The Complete Concrete by Paul Chadwick, finished April 3
023) The Rumpelstiltskin Problem by Vivian Vande Velde, finished March 30
022) Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson, finished March 28
021) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller et al, finished March 23
020) A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers, finished March 16
019) Batman: Gothic by Grant Morrison et al, finished March 13
018) Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, finished March 7
017) Stink: The Incredible Shrinking Kid by Megan McDonald, finished March 7
016) 50 Professional Scenes for Student Actors: A Collection of Short 2 Person Scenes by Garry Michael Kluger, finished March 6
015) Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda, finished March 5
014) Frindle by Andrew Clements, finished March 1
013) Brain Wave by Poul Anderson, finished February 27
012) The Best American Comics 2006 edited by Harvey Pekar and Anne Elizabeth Moore, finished February 26
011) Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, finished February 15
010) The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ edited by Mormon and Moroni, finished February 7
009) Lisey's Story by Stephen King, finished February 1
008) The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett, finished January 26
007) Empire by Orson Scott Card, finished January 24
006) Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, finished January 22
005) Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh, finished January 17
004) Superman Adventures Vol. 1: Up, Up and Away! by Mark Millar, finished January 16
003) A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson, finished January 12
002) Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud, finished January 11
001) Galápagos by Kurt Vonnegut, finished January 10

Genetic Equality

.

So the Big O is definitely his mother's child: last night he corrected my mangling of the lyrics to the Everly Brothers' "Wake Up Little Suzy".

But if you've ever heard his take on the lyrics to any song, you'ld know he's my son as well.




NOTE: speaking of
progeny, we may be
disappearing into
a hospital any day
now, so should
blogging suddenly
cease, this is the
likely cause: more
progeny. Thank you.

2007-06-11

Popular Favorites

.

There are a handful of posts that bring more Googlers here than the others, and I thought I would riff on topics related to those posts for a moment in order to increase my popularity with a) those being scammed and b) those with porous tonsils.



Pedro Dumba?



I don't know who would trust someone named Pedro Dumba, but if you get this email, DON'T DO IT. (Obvious yes, but let's face it: the worlds filled with idiots that need this s-p-e-l-l-e-d-o-u-t-f-o-r-t-h-e-m.
    Mr. PEDRO DUMBA.
    The Account / Audit Manager,
    African Development Bank (ADB).
    Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.

    Dear Beloved, [Don't call me beloved, Dumba....]

    money
    I presumed that all is well with you and your family[thanks]. Please let this do not be a surprise proposal to you because i got your contact information from the international directory in few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magintude and lucrative transaction for our future survival in life. [Why would I be surprised? That's why I'm in the directory! To get people like you emailing me!] Moreover, i have laid all the solemn trust in you beforei decided to disclose this successful & confidential transaction to you.

    As the Account / Audit Manager of our bank, i have decided to contact you over this financial transaction worth the sum of DOLLARS($19.500,000.00 ) [I understand you're under a lot of stress and no doubt that's why your typing sucks, but you're a banker! And I have no idea how much money you're talking about!] for our success.This is an abandoned sum that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash disaster since few years ago. [Why must someone die for me to get rich? Suckers.]

    Meanwhile i was very fortune to came across the deceased file when i was arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official re-documentation and audit of the yearagainst 2007.

    Be informed clearly that it was stated in our banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 4 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the treasury as an unclaimed fund. [What treasury?]

    As a honour and advantage bestowed to our foreign customers base on the rules guideing our bank, it was stated obviously that if you are not a Burkina Faso citizen, you have the absolute authority to claim the fund despite your differences from the country of origin of the deceased. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as theNEXT OF KIN to the deceased. [That just might be the stupidest policy I've ever heard of in my life.]

    PERCENTAGE RATIO: note that 35% being will be your share in respect of your assistance and account provide for the tranfer, 55% will be my share being the pioneer of the business while the rest 10% will be used to install a joint company in your country which will bear our name in particular and whatever profit made out from this company will be used in helping the less privileges, mothrless babies home and charity organization in the world. [Oh, I'm in. Anything for the mothrless babies. I'm always sad to see kids without mothrs.]

    If you are really sure of your trustworthy, accountability and confidentiality on his transaction, contact me and agree that you will not change your mind to cheat or disappoint me when the fund have getting into your account. [Stop giving me ideas!!! Oh, the temptation!!!] Besides you should not entertain any fear because i am sure of the success as an insider in the bank ok. [ok!]

    Please reply with the assurance, include your private telephone and fax numbers necessary for effective and easy communication in this transaction. [If it's okay, I'll just go ahead and send you my account numbers and SSN now too. And my eBay password. And a bad of bbq chips. You'll love them. They're huge in America.] As soon as you reply , call me through my private telephone number indicated above so that i will let you know the next step to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately. [Phone number? Crap! You forgot the phone number! That's fine. I'll bet you're in the international directory.]

    I expect your urgent communication. [I never communicate until it's urgent. Stop worrying.]

    Yours sincerely,

    Mr. Pedro Dumba [Heh heh heh heh heh. Dumba....]



Porous tonsils, hooray!



The exciting adventures of my tonsils have been sadly neglected of late. It all started with Whited sepulchers and reached a high point with Enema in my mouth, but nearly a year has passed now without an update and as the person best known for my porous tonsils and the disgusting side effects of said tonsils, I suppose I owe the world an update.

douchebagSo as you may recall, part of my daily routine is using a hot water bottle and a tube that attaches to it--a set up designed for douches and enemas--and hosing down my tonsils with them.

Sometimes this makes me gag. I've thrown up in the sink a couple times. Once, as part of cleaning up, I detached the sink plug and pulled it out. It was wrapped in, oh, half a foot of dangling Lady Steed hair with chunks of dinner hung on it like a demented Christmas tree. I didn't tell Lady Steed about this at the time because of her morning sickness. I'm sure she'll be really excited to hear this hilarious story now, though.

I don't enemize my mouth in the morning any more, but I do a double-long wash at night instead. The sad thing is, after nearly a year without hosing my throat at least once a day, I still get the occasional fecal curd in my mouth. I think the problem is much less than it was, but darn it! I wanted a miracle! Without doing it twice a day! Is that so much to ask?

Freaking mortal tabernacle.....

2007-06-10

Last Minute Svithe

.

Well, midnight is fast approaching. So, in the spirit of the hour
    And now, [folks], I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would . . . cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance
That should cover you.



Doomsday Clock



last week's svithe

2007-06-07

Thvlog I: 15 silent seconds

.

Introduction
    So I've been meaning to start thvlogging for a while now, but technology just keeps killing me. I recorded the intended-to-be-first thvlog back in January, but have no way to transfer it from camera to computer without plunking down a few hundred bucks. Then, problem solved, we were given a camera that can plug nicely into the computer....but it only records 15 soundless seconds at a go.

    There are worse things, of course, and keeping it short is one great maxim of thvlogging anyway, but coming up with entertainment under these constraints is certainly going to be tricky.

    It was also an original intention of mine to post each video on both YouTube and one other video service; YouTube because it's #1 and another so I could check out all the others and see which I like best. As long as I'm stuck in 15-second mode, I think I won't bother with that part of the plan, however---I'll just stick to YouTube.

    Anyway, all that said, it is time to introduce the world to my new Thvlogger identity.

    Fifteen silent seconds at a time.






2007-06-06

Spinning Sideways II: More Spintacular Sidewaysisms

.

*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*

Spinning sideways

.

Like so:

*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----
------*----
-------*---
--------*--
---------*-
----------*
*----------
-*---------
--*--------
---*-------
----*------
-----*-----

(and so forth)

2007-06-04

.

Last week, Katria wrote:
    My dearest cousin tagged me over at her blog, so here we go.

    The rules: Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged need to write on their own blog those 7 facts as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag seven other people and list their names on your blog.

    1. I love to count and lists make me happy.
    2. I physically need things to be straight and well organized or I start to panic. Alphabetized goes without saying.
    3. When I am really stressed out/annoyed/ticked off, I take my frustrations out on my living atmosphere by cleaning it until I feel like I'm going to fall over.
    4. I started reading high-school level books in the fifth grade
    5. My current dream vacation is somewhere in Nevada (not telling you where, but I can guarantee it's not Vegas).
    6. I despise the newest Window's Media Player update and wish it would die and go back to the old one.
    7. Sometimes I think I'm a year older than I really am.


    Tag, you're it! (Most specifically I want to hear from My K, Noelle, Matt, th., Tolkers, Master Fob, Edgy, and Krishna.)
My name's on that list and I'm feeling decent, so...:
    i - I am, even today, still wearing pleated pants on occasion. So sue me.

    ii - I have no money. Suing me would be a waste of your time.

    iii - The Big O loves Brozy's avatar.

    iv - Once I walked into a basketball pole.

    v - Once I ran a motorcycle into a barbed-wire fence.

    vi - Everything here is true. Or if not, there is no one foolhardy enough to claim otherwise.

    vii - I'll be watching Creature Comforts tonight. Check your local listings.

Creature Comforts

Tada!

I'm tagging the same people Katria tagged because I am lazy and, since I am awesome, I can get away with stuff like that.

Old news, but now we have a camera to show off our handiwork

.

(black chandelier)






black chandelier

black chandelier

2007-06-03

The Svithe With a Warning Attached

.

WARNING: If, after reading the real titles and the epigram attached to this svithe, you think it may not be for you, it probably isn't and I suggest you steer away. For instance, in this past week, you may have missed the Eighth Books (comments now working!), my comments on Tolkien Boy and Earth Sign Mama, a nice bit of domesticity, or a funny little story about my eyeballs. If you prefer a svithe, last week's had some straight talk, or you could always visit one of my old favorites--Success & Jealousy perhaps, the one based on Everyman, or the ever-popular-in-Sunday-School Parable of the Drunk Driver. But if you are worried about disgusting bodily fluids (other than the canonized blood, of course) being used as religious metaphor, this week's entry may not be for you.
***sincerely***
---------------theric



The Circumcised of Heart
-or-
A Svithe on Semen



It is impossible for any man to forget his penis, his own personal life force.
------Thomas Cahill


.

This svithe comes from a number of things which have been on my mind lately that are all related and spiritualish in nature. It's a weird combination of things resulting in me in discussion about things I usually don't think much about. Such as semen.

I'm not much of a bodily-fluids guy and honestly, as I set out writing this I'm really not sure where I'm heading, but let's just start with those things I mentioned.

1. Levitical Lesbianism

When I was looking for information for the Sharing Time I did a couple weeks ago, I ran across a ... let's call him a Jewish Apologist. I'm not going to spend half an hour looking for his site again, but essentially, the gist of his post was this: In Mosaic Law, all sorts of sexual activities are forbidden: homosexuality, fornication, bestiality, et cetera. One thing conspicuously absent is lesbianism. As I thought about this, I thought back on our recent rereading of the books of Moses and thought that perhaps the issue here was the proper (not wasteful) use of semen. Even nocturnal emissions make a man unclean, after all. Then I thought of women and remembered the laws regarding--practically regulating--menstrual blood. I've returned to these thoughts in idle moments over the last couple weeks, never caring to reach conclusions, but the questions are interesting.

2. Bathtime

Last Thursday's visit to the midwife included some suggestions regarding how we can encourage the baby to hurry things up. For instance, visiting the ocean. Something about the waves, apparently.

She also suggested---

Midwife: At this point I would suggest you start bathing your cervix in sperm every night.

Me (interrupting): Do you have ANY IDEA how long it will take me to fill the tub? And you want me to do this every night?!?!

Actually, I did not say this. Alas. But she's right of course--semen contains the same chemicals that are used in the artificial induction of labor. And there are plenty of anecdotes demonstrating the usefulness in whoopie in not only starting the pregnancy process, but also in ending it. Ask around.

3. See above

The Thomas Cahill quote comes from a book of his I am back to reading after a near-decade hiatus. I'm zipping through it now, so expect it to appear in my next five books when they post.

The topic under discussion is circumcision, and why it was a powerful symbol. Considering the stats I run across every year or so about how many men would rather lose a leg--or their prime hand--than their penis, a symbol engraven right upon it should indeed be memorable. And blood was always the method of making a proper covenant. Even today, the idea of a blood oath or a blood pact is powerful, even if we've never actually pushed a bloody thumbprint into a parchment bearing the arms of our liege.

But the covenant God made with Abraham didn't mean nothing when it was blood alone--even if that blood was drawn from Abraham's penis. The covenant was a mere intellectual exercise until Isaac was conceived of the semen from Abraham's bloodied member.

semen svithe dots
In ancient, polytheistic societies, one wouldn't have to travel far to find a temple where one's semen (or the semen of the presiding priest, if it was a temple for girls) was put to ritualistic use. The Judeo-Christian tradition has removed that particular fluid from the temple to the bedroom, but, speaking particularly as a Mormon with our emphasis on family, semen (and other fluids from that neck of the woods) are still heavy with religious importance. If we are to emulate God by becoming parents, we must spend seed.

Although the Song of Songs was not accepted by Joseph Smith as "inspired" scripture, I think its presence in the Bible is still appropriate--and, in particular, that it fills a need. There is very little discussion of the importance of romantic love in the Canon, yet without it, wherefore multiplying and replenishing the earth? wherefore the concern about failure in the home?

It is an easy thing to forget in a clean, almost hermetic, world like ours that humanity is composed of things like blood and semen and other unpleasant humours and ichors. Little by little we lose track of mortality's brutality and why we need a Greater Hope.

Richmond Lattimore's New Testament translation -- Chip Kidd CoverThe outrage over the bloody cover on a new translation of the New Testament a decade ago missed the point I think. Though I, like any Mormon, prefer a Resurrected Christ to a Crucified Jesus dripping blood on the altar, choosing to completely cut ourselves off from the blood-soaked Son of Man is not doing us any favors. Blood represents life; lost blood, lost life; in this case, the greatest gift of all.

And the other fluid under discussion today is much the same: With it, life continues. Without it, the line ends. Adios humanity.

I have no grand conclusion to all this, as I stated plainly up front, but if nothing else, we do well to remember that everything in life is metaphor, nothing in life is grounded solely in the present. But while we as a species were made for something better than this, yet also the joys and goodnesses of mortality--no matter how messy or finally tragic--were also made for us. And while looking to the future, we should also live firmly in the present.

This is no paradox or mistake or error in reasoning. And it is not hedonism, though it could be easily construed as such.

Our Heavenly Father, after all, did not have to make the planet beautiful with trees and mountains and oceans. He did not have to plant thyme and cinnamon and rosemary and chives. A plain barren rock with nutritious ooze seeping forth would have been enough to set the stage for Choice and Sin and Redemption. Every bit of glory on this planet is a gift from He who loves us.

This is what we need to remember. And why the circumcision of the heart is so important. The heart pumps the blood we require to live, always!, so no matter how much a body may dwell on its genitals, without its heart, they mean nothing.

When we engrave our gratitude on the very machine powering our continued existence, then we are truly the Sons and Daughters of God--every pump of lifeblood reminding us of our faith and covenant--beholden to him--while still appreciating that blood which gives us the chance to live the life that is ours today.

Both Now and Eternity, brought to you by nothing more than fluid.



crap; i really should have just reread last week's svithe