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There are a handful of posts that bring more Googlers here than the others, and I thought I would riff on topics related to those posts for a moment in order to increase my popularity with a) those being scammed and b) those with porous tonsils.

Pedro Dumba?

I don't know who would trust someone named Pedro Dumba, but if you get this email, DON'T DO IT. (Obvious yes, but let's face it: the worlds filled with idiots that need this s-p-e-l-l-e-d-o-u-t-f-o-r-t-h-e-m.

Mr. PEDRO DUMBA.
The Account / Audit Manager,
African Development Bank (ADB).
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.

Dear Beloved, [Don't call me beloved, Dumba....]


I presumed that all is well with you and your family[thanks]. Please let this do not be a surprise proposal to you because i got your contact information from the international directory in few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magintude and lucrative transaction for our future survival in life. [Why would I be surprised? That's why I'm in the directory! To get people like you emailing me!] Moreover, i have laid all the solemn trust in you beforei decided to disclose this successful & confidential transaction to you.

As the Account / Audit Manager of our bank, i have decided to contact you over this financial transaction worth the sum of DOLLARS($19.500,000.00 ) [I understand you're under a lot of stress and no doubt that's why your typing sucks, but you're a banker! And I have no idea how much money you're talking about!] for our success.This is an abandoned sum that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash disaster since few years ago. [Why must someone die for me to get rich? Suckers.]

Meanwhile i was very fortune to came across the deceased file when i was arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official re-documentation and audit of the yearagainst 2007.

Be informed clearly that it was stated in our banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 4 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the treasury as an unclaimed fund. [What treasury?]

As a honour and advantage bestowed to our foreign customers base on the rules guideing our bank, it was stated obviously that if you are not a Burkina Faso citizen, you have the absolute authority to claim the fund despite your differences from the country of origin of the deceased. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as theNEXT OF KIN to the deceased. [That just might be the stupidest policy I've ever heard of in my life.]

PERCENTAGE RATIO: note that 35% being will be your share in respect of your assistance and account provide for the tranfer, 55% will be my share being the pioneer of the business while the rest 10% will be used to install a joint company in your country which will bear our name in particular and whatever profit made out from this company will be used in helping the less privileges, mothrless babies home and charity organization in the world. [Oh, I'm in. Anything for the mothrless babies. I'm always sad to see kids without mothrs.]

If you are really sure of your trustworthy, accountability and confidentiality on his transaction, contact me and agree that you will not change your mind to cheat or disappoint me when the fund have getting into your account. [Stop giving me ideas!!! Oh, the temptation!!!] Besides you should not entertain any fear because i am sure of the success as an insider in the bank ok. [ok!]

Please reply with the assurance, include your private telephone and fax numbers necessary for effective and easy communication in this transaction. [If it's okay, I'll just go ahead and send you my account numbers and SSN now too. And my eBay password. And a bad of bbq chips. You'll love them. They're huge in America.] As soon as you reply , call me through my private telephone number indicated above so that i will let you know the next step to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately. [Phone number? Crap! You forgot the phone number! That's fine. I'll bet you're in the international directory.]

I expect your urgent communication. [I never communicate until it's urgent. Stop worrying.]

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Pedro Dumba [Heh heh heh heh heh. Dumba....]

Porous tonsils, hooray!

The exciting adventures of my tonsils have been sadly neglected of late. It all started with Whited sepulchers and reached a high point with Enema in my mouth, but nearly a year has passed now without an update and as the person best known for my porous tonsils and the disgusting side effects of said tonsils, I suppose I owe the world an update.

So as you may recall, part of my daily routine is using a hot water bottle and a tube that attaches to it--a set up designed for douches and enemas--and hosing down my tonsils with them.

Sometimes this makes me gag. I've thrown up in the sink a couple times. Once, as part of cleaning up, I detached the sink plug and pulled it out. It was wrapped in, oh, half a foot of dangling Lady Steed hair with chunks of dinner hung on it like a demented Christmas tree. I didn't tell Lady Steed about this at the time because of her morning sickness. I'm sure she'll be really excited to hear this hilarious story now, though.

I don't enemize my mouth in the morning any more, but I do a double-long wash at night instead. The sad thing is, after nearly a year without hosing my throat at least once a day, I still get the occasional fecal curd in my mouth. I think the problem is much less than it was, but darn it! I wanted a miracle! Without doing it twice a day! Is that so much to ask?

Freaking mortal tabernacle.....