First! Five! Books!

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The year is off to a brilliant start! Two good Batman books, a vital novel from my childhood, a classic read for the first time, and Mr. Monster. Let's start there and work back.

005) Mr. Monster by Dan Wells, finished January 10


At first I was unsure this book was going to reach the heights of its predecessor, but it did oh it did.

A little past the halfway point, the story took I turn I did not anticipate (but should have), making it the most terrifying thing I've read since JCO's Zombie. And honestly, I'm not sure I could have survived another hundred pages of that kind of mental stress.

Then the book took another unanticipated turn and I returned to a feeling of safety on one hand and the introduction of a Lovecraftian horror on the other (not exactly a fair trade; thanks a lot, Dan Wells.) And, the final paragraph, thrilled me to the marrow.

I don't often read the second book in a series anymore. I read for breadth, not depth. But these John Cleaver books are the most horrible fun I've had in ages. I really can't recommend them enough. Start from the beginning and hurry up. Book three's already available for preorder.

five days



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004) The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane, finished January 6

The Red Badge of Courage is no longer standard high-school fare and has not been for quite a while. I’m not sure why. It’s short, it’s terrific, it’s about a kid in war. Seems like an obvious book to keep around. How many of you read it in high school? Does any school still retain it?

I’m an unabashed fan of Crane’s poetry (though that may not be obvious) but I’ve never really read his prose. Which is bad since in my MFA applications (to write prose) I used my age in relation to Crane’s as a starting point for my personal statements and Red Badge in support of that metaphor. So it occurred to me that before any callbacks came in, I should make sure I had actually taken this book off my shelf and read it.

I’m glad I did. I’m not big into war stories, but no question they are an important part of exploring the human condition. This book now ranks among my favorites. It’s tale which, except for the opening chapters, takes place entirely within one boy’s couple hellish days, feels so true and honest, I feel like now I know how I would react, if ever forced into battle. And I understand why soldiers so rarely speak of what they’ve been through.

What amazes me most about Crane though is his importance. Not that he is important --- that doesn’t amaze me at all --- but that things he did were against the rules of fiction in his day. Describing emotion with color. No one did that.

I can’t imagine a literary landscape where Crane’s work is shocking --- he helped create our literature in such significant ways that his innovations are our norms.

And this is what makes innovation, yes? Somehow changing that no one else realizes can be changed. I admire that.

#stevecranefanboy


about a week



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003) The Mystery of the Dinosaur Graveyard by Mary Adrian, finished January 5

You need to know about my history of this book before we move forward. I was a kid at AJ Winters Elementary School and this book was in the school library. I don't know when I first checked it out, but I checked it out over and over again until we left Idaho when I was in the fifth grade. When we moved, I had, singlehandedly, nearly filled out both sides of the book's check-out card. Assuming I read the book within 45 days of our moving, I last read the book in 1987.

In 2001 or 2002, Lady Steed and I were back in Montpelier and we swung by the old elementary-school library --- in large measure because I wanted to see if I could find this book that had played such a large role in my childhood. The librarian, incredibly, remembered me, and she was able to help me run down the name of the book even though it was no longer on the shelves. I copied its title down, its author, its ISBN, it's LoC number. I put it in my wallet where it remained for years.

When Amazon started carrying used books, finding a copy got too easy not to just buy the book, but something kept me from doing so. Was it my abject disappointment in reading the Hardy Boys again at age 21? I don't know. But I added Mystery of the Dinosaur Graveyard to my cart over and over again without ever actually buying it.

One time I nearly did and Lady Steed told me not to in a way that let me know I just needed to wait.

So now it's 2011 --- 24 years after last reading it, and the Big O gave me an old library copy from Louisiana for Christmas.

We've read it together over the last few nights and --- surprise, surprise --- it didn't live up to my new grown-up standards. But O and S were spellbound and loved loved loved the book --- couldn't get enough of it. The kids and their missing map and the hope for bones and the cougar sighting and the mysterious geologist and the pack rat and so on engaged them much, I imagine, as I was once engaged. Will they read it over and over again as I once did? I don't know. But I do know that now I want to also buy The Riddle of Raven Hollow. . . .

One thing I've long wondered about is whether or not reading this book would bring it all back in a rush or if it would be like reading it for the first time. Fact: Except for the cover, I really didn't remember anything. At all. It wasn't hard to guess ahead for most of the story (it's not terribly sophisticated storytelling), but it really was like reading it for the first time.

Next up: The Hotel Cat. Large S gave it to me for Christmas and I haven't read it since second grade. Not since 1984, almost 27 years ago. I can't wait.

since shortly after christmas



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002) Batman - Judge Dredd: Judgment on Gotham by John Wagner and Alan Grant and Simon Bisley, with lettering by the famous Todd Klein; finished January 4


I don't know about you, but I never knew that Dredd was anything other than the presumably crappy source material for a presumably crappy Stallone flick. I had no idea he was a respectable European comic book.

So ignorant was I, that when I was given this book I wasn't even sure I could be bothered to read it. But I did and boy oh boy am I glad. Not so much for the writing which was just okay, but for Bisley's art. Big and bold and mythy and graphic and gory and heroic and just really darn great.

************Check out my Fob Comics post for pictures.************

two evenings



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001) Batman: Venom by Dennis O'Neil et al, finished January 2


It feels like I haven't been reading very many good bulging-muscles comics lately (perhaps mostly because of the sour taste this left in my mouth), so i'm happy to report that venom was quite good. Batman gets addicted to a performance-enhancing superdrug is the story and it leads into the Bane stories (which I've never read but which are Important).

Mostly I'm impressed with the writing and since O'Neil ran the Batman stories for many years, I'm feeling a little sad I didn't develop an addiction to them myself, back during high school.

under an hour

RERUN! Thvlog IIII: Happy birthday; time to die

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Given our nearmiss today, this:

100 movies, Thteeded

.

Señora H-B recently posted her progress on the 2007 version of the AFI 100-best list. Lady Steed and I once were working on the earlier lists, but haven't actively pursued said goal since having children. I thought though that it might be helpful to review our progress. (I'm only marking movies we have seen together.)

1. Citizen Kane, 1941
2. The Godfather, 1972*
3. Casablanca, 1942
4. Raging Bull, 1980
5. Singin' in the Rain, 1952
6. Gone With the Wind, 1939*
7. Lawrence of Arabia, 1962
8. Schindler's List, 1993*
9. Vertigo, 1958
10. The Wizard of Oz, 1939
11. City Lights, 1931
12. The Searchers, 1956
13. Star Wars, 1977
14. Psycho, 1960
15. 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968*
16. Sunset Blvd., 1950*
17. The Graduate, 1967*
18. The General, 1927
19. On the Waterfront, 1954*
20. It's a Wonderful Life, 1946
21. Chinatown, 1974
22. Some Like It Hot, 1959
23. The Grapes of Wrath, 1940*
24. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982*
25. To Kill a Mockingbird, 1962*
26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, 1939
27. High Noon, 1952
28. All About Eve, 1950
29. Double Indemnity, 1944
30. Apocalypse Now, 1979*
31. The Maltese Falcon, 1941
32. The Godfather Part II, 1974
33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, 1975
34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 1937
35. Annie Hall, 1977
36. The Bridge on the River Kwai, 1957
37. The Best Years of Our Lives, 1946
38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948
39. Dr. Strangelove, 1964
40. The Sound of Music, 1965*
41. King Kong, 1933*
42. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967
43. Midnight Cowboy, 1969
44. The Philadelphia Story, 1940*
45. Shane, 1953
46. It Happened One Night, 1934
47. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951
48. Rear Window, 1954
49. Intolerance, 1916
50. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001
51. West Side Story, 1961*
52. Taxi Driver, 1976
53. The Deer Hunter, 1978
54. M-A-S-H, 1970
55. North by Northwest, 1959
56. Jaws, 1975*
57. Rocky, 1976
58. The Gold Rush, 1925*
59. Nashville, 1975
60. Duck Soup, 1933
61. Sullivan's Travels, 1941
62. American Graffiti, 1973
63. Cabaret, 1972
64. Network, 1976
65. The African Queen, 1951
66. Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981
67. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1966
68. Unforgiven, 1992
69. Tootsie, 1982
70. A Clockwork Orange, 1971
71. Saving Private Ryan, 1998
72. The Shawshank Redemption, 1994
73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, 1969*
74. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991*
75. In the Heat of the Night, 1967
76. Forrest Gump, 1994*
77. All the President's Men, 1976
78. Modern Times, 1936
79. The Wild Bunch, 1969
80. The Apartment, 1960
81. Spartacus, 1960
82. Sunrise, 1927
83. Titanic, 1997*
84. Easy Rider, 1969
85. A Night at the Opera, 1935*
86. Platoon, 1986
87. 12 Angry Men, 1957*
88. Bringing Up Baby, 1938
89. The Sixth Sense, 1999
90. Swing Time, 1936
91. Sophie's Choice, 1982
92. Goodfellas, 1990
93. The French Connection, 1971
94. Pulp Fiction, 1994*
95. The Last Picture Show, 1971
96. Do the Right Thing, 1989
97. Blade Runner, 1982
98. Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942
99. Toy Story, 1995
100. Ben-Hur, 1959

*Movies I'm fairly sure one or both of us has seen or that we own on DVD.

Thvlog XI: In which I yell quietly for seven seconds

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Really, this was mostly about trying uploading from our new Flip.

The final few books of 2010 (and a note on why I read so little this year) (hint: I didn't)

.

If you follow Five Books at a Time you may have noticed that I have finished vastly fewer books this year than usual. And perhaps you wonder why that is. Why did Theric read so much less than usual in 2010, you may be thinking.

In short, I don't think I did. Five Books at a Time has never been a terribly thorough listing of what I read. It's only book and they only get posted when I finish them. This year I began the Rejected Books series in which I list books I have made a conscious decision not to finish. So that helps will the void. But I also have read more magazines than usual (I've fallen for The New Yorker; read from a number of anthologies in preparation for Mormons & Monsters like Chabon's/McSweeney's and this one from the early '80s --- both of which are very good and neither of which have I finished; plus all the reading I did for Monsters & Mormons itself. I have read a LOT this year, just not as manifested by books finished.

So perhaps it is appropriate that the last book I finished this year was Hint Fiction. (Well, really my last book was something else, but it sucked. So let's call the year over with Hint Fiction.)

Now I'm all curious to see what my reading habits look like at the end of next year.

Read on!


===========================================================



062) Grendel: War Child by Matt Wagner, finished December 31


This sucked. If you want to know more....

just under a week


===========================================================



061) Hint Fiction: An anthology of stories in 25 words or fewer edited by Robert Swartwood, finished December 27


As you will imagine, some of these stories are helpless gimmicks. I am delighted to tell you though that very few are mere gimmicks and nearly all are good and a surprisingly high number are minimiracles of fiction. A great book and I loved it.

But let's start with my primary complaint:

The author bios which seem to follow the same word-count limit as the stories are not directly connected to the stories. After reading the stories, I read the bios, but when I wanted to reread the story connected to the bio (surprisingly often), I had to scan through the table of contents trying to find the proper name (the stories are not alphabetized; the bios are). Had the bios included, say, a page number, I may have reread practically the whole book.

(When my worst complaint is that the book made rereading the book less convenient than possible, you know it's a good book.)

It's split into three sections (life,death; love,hate; this,that) and all are delightful. (The New Yorker's review covers this better than I will.)

Lots of famous names, famousish names, newbies --- one high school senior.

I rarely reread. I see this being reread though. I would like to get copies for my classes as well.

Note: I received this book free from the publisher.

one day unless you include the day a couple weeks ago I read half the introduction which I suppose you should


Previously in 2010 . . . . :

• First Five • Second Five • Third Five • Fourth Five •
• Fifth Five • Sixth Five • Seventh Five •Eighth Five • Ninth Five •
• Tenth Five • Eleventh Five •Twelfth Five •

060) X'ed Out by Charles Burns, finished December 27
059) Halo and Sprocket: Natural Creatures by Kerry Callen, finished December 26
058) I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan, finished December 17
057) All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen and Jory John, finished December 17
056) Trickster: Native American Tales: A Graphic Collection edited by Matt Dembecki, finished December 5
055) Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, finished December 2 and 3
054) The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog by Dave Barry, finished November 27
053) Two Old Women: An Alaskan Legend of Betrayal, Courage and Survival by Velma Wallis, finished November 25
052) Fish Stick Knife Gun by Jamar Nicholas from Geoffrey Canada's memoir, finished November 18
051) Hamlet by William Shakespeare, finished November 17
050) Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger, finished November 4
049) Legal Action Comics Volume 1 edited by "Dirty" Danny Hellman, October 29
048) The Atomics: Spaced Out & Grounded in Snap City! by people who are mostly not Mike Allred, finished October 28
047) The Trial by Frank Kafka, Chantal Montellier, David Sane Mairowitz; finished October 21
046) NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, finished October 6
045) Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson, finished October 4
044) Song/Cycles by Mormon Artists Group, finished Sept. 15
043) The Complete Peanuts 1973-1974 by Charles M. Schulz, finished September 6
042) Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, finished September 5
041) Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, finished September 2
040) The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, finished September 1
039) Buy Ketchup in May and Fly at Noon: A Guide to the Best Time to Buy This, Do That and Go There by Mark Di Vincenzo, finished August 28
038) Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut, finished August 25
037) In the Void by Michael R. Collings, finished August 21
036) Three Men on the Bummel by Jerome K. Jerome, finished August 18
035) Utah: Sex and Travel Guide by Calvin Grondahl, finished August 10
034) E Pluribus Unicorn by Theodore Sturgeon, finished August 9
033) The Complete Peanuts, 1971 to 1972 by Charles M. Schulz, finished August 6
032) I Am Not a Serial Killer by Dan Wells, finished August 6
031) Rogue Clone by Steven L. Kent, finished July 26
030) Servant of a Dark God by John Brown, finished July 21
029) Drink Me, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog by James Goldberg, finished June 9
028) Out of the Mount (tentative title) edited by Davey Morrison, finished June 8
027) Madman Boogaloo! by Mike Allred, Mike Baron, Bernie Mireault, Steve Rude; finished June 2
026) The Education of Robert Nifkin by Daniel Pinkwater, finished May 22
025) True Grit by Charles Portis, finished May 21
024) Old Man's War by John Scalzi, finished May 15
023) Pandora's Nightmare: Horror Unleashed, finished May 13
022) Anthem by Ayn Rand, finished May 11
021) Look! It's Jesus!: Amazing Holy Visions in Everyday Life by Harry Choron and Sandra Choron, finished May 9
020) Travels in the Scriptorium: A Novel by Paul Auster, finished May 5
019) Suburban Folklore by Steven Walters, finished May 4
018) The Lonely Polygamist by Brady Udall, finished April 30
017) Gracie: A Love Story by George Burns by George Burns, finished April 20
016) The Autobiography of Malcolm X as told to Alex Haley, finished April 15
015) Dispensation: Latter-Day Fiction edited by Angela Hallstrom, finished March 24
014) The Best American Comics 2009 edited by Charles Burns, finished March 22
013) Icon: A Hero's Welcome by Dwayne McDuffie and MD Bright, finished March 17
012) There's Treasure Everywhere by Bill Watterson, finished March 15
011) Static Shock: Rebirth of the Cool. Finished right at midnight between March 13 and 14
010) Teen Titans: Year One by Amy Wolfram et al, finished March 7
009) The Complete Calvin and Hobbes, Book One by Bill Watterson, finished March 6
008) Apparition & Late Fictions: A Novella and Stories by Thomas Lynch, finished March 5
007) Stone Rabbit #1: BC Mambo by Erik Craddock, finished March 2
006) The Selected Works of T. S. Spivet by Reif Larsen, finished February 23
005) Missile Mouse 2 by Jake Parker (MS POLICY), finished February 5
004) Heroes of the Fallen by David J. West, finished February 4
003) Still Life in Milford by Thomas Lynch, finished January 19
002) Rapunzel's Revenge by Hales Shannon Dean and Nathan, finished January 16
001) Mormoniana by Mormon Artists Group, finished January 13

153mph

.

Either the Big O's getting drafted this year or his ball's accelerometer's off.

12th Five

.

.



060) X'ed Out by Charles Burns, finished December 27


Unfortunately, this volume one ends before I could get a real grip on what was happening or whether I cared to know more. It's been too long since I've read Black Hole to really compare them, but I think I might end up liking this more. If I end up remembering to read the future volumes.

as quickly as savoringly possible while standing in the bookstore



===========================================================



059) Halo and Sprocket: Natural Creatures by Kerry Callen, finished December 26


Smaller in size than the first book and not as long but equally wonderful. Buy and laugh laugh laugh.

two days



===========================================================



058) I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan, finished December 17


If I had not promised someone I would read this, I wouldn't have made it to page ten. Lucifer's voice is so cloying and clever that it swiftly becomes unbearably dull. His asides and tangents failed to engage me. This is a book that lives or dies by it's voice. If you like the voice, you like the book. If you don't, you don't. I didn't so I didn't.

It took for bleeding ever for the story to finally start and it, at times, engaged. I ended up skimming much of the book and being ultimately disappointed. A capital crime against the reader was committed on page 61 but the ending was very nearly good but not quite.

The best thing I can say about this book is that it inspired a Stephen Coates album which led to one of my favorite shorts from the last ten years.


two or three weeks



===========================================================



057) All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen and Jory John, finished December 17


You must read this book:

just a few blissful minutes



===========================================================



056) Trickster: Native American Tales: A Graphic Collection edited by Matt Dembecki, finished December 5


The authenticity of these stories is proved best by their utter unwillingness to conform to Western expectations of story structure.

My kids loved this book.

The lettering in particular was of inconsistent (read: often bad) quality.

Nice book. Get it in libraries, for sure. Not one I'll be tempted to reread though.

two or three weeks






Previously in 2010 . . . . :

• First Five • Second Five • Third Five • Fourth Five •
• Fifth Five • Sixth Five • Seventh Five •Eighth Five • Ninth Five •
• Tenth Five • Eleventh Five •

055) Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, finished December 2 and 3
054) The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog by Dave Barry, finished November 27
053) Two Old Women: An Alaskan Legend of Betrayal, Courage and Survival by Velma Wallis, finished November 25
052) Fish Stick Knife Gun by Jamar Nicholas from Geoffrey Canada's memoir, finished November 18
051) Hamlet by William Shakespeare, finished November 17
050) Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger, finished November 4
049) Legal Action Comics Volume 1 edited by "Dirty" Danny Hellman, October 29
048) The Atomics: Spaced Out & Grounded in Snap City! by people who are mostly not Mike Allred, finished October 28
047) The Trial by Frank Kafka, Chantal Montellier, David Sane Mairowitz; finished October 21
046) NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, finished October 6
045) Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson, finished October 4
044) Song/Cycles by Mormon Artists Group, finished Sept. 15
043) The Complete Peanuts 1973-1974 by Charles M. Schulz, finished September 6
042) Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, finished September 5
041) Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, finished September 2
040) The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, finished September 1
039) Buy Ketchup in May and Fly at Noon: A Guide to the Best Time to Buy This, Do That and Go There by Mark Di Vincenzo, finished August 28
038) Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut, finished August 25
037) In the Void by Michael R. Collings, finished August 21
036) Three Men on the Bummel by Jerome K. Jerome, finished August 18
035) Utah: Sex and Travel Guide by Calvin Grondahl, finished August 10
034) E Pluribus Unicorn by Theodore Sturgeon, finished August 9
033) The Complete Peanuts, 1971 to 1972 by Charles M. Schulz, finished August 6
032) I Am Not a Serial Killer by Dan Wells, finished August 6
031) Rogue Clone by Steven L. Kent, finished July 26
030) Servant of a Dark God by John Brown, finished July 21
029) Drink Me, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog by James Goldberg, finished June 9
028) Out of the Mount (tentative title) edited by Davey Morrison, finished June 8
027) Madman Boogaloo! by Mike Allred, Mike Baron, Bernie Mireault, Steve Rude; finished June 2
026) The Education of Robert Nifkin by Daniel Pinkwater, finished May 22
025) True Grit by Charles Portis, finished May 21
024) Old Man's War by John Scalzi, finished May 15
023) Pandora's Nightmare: Horror Unleashed, finished May 13
022) Anthem by Ayn Rand, finished May 11
021) Look! It's Jesus!: Amazing Holy Visions in Everyday Life by Harry Choron and Sandra Choron, finished May 9
020) Travels in the Scriptorium: A Novel by Paul Auster, finished May 5
019) Suburban Folklore by Steven Walters, finished May 4
018) The Lonely Polygamist by Brady Udall, finished April 30
017) Gracie: A Love Story by George Burns by George Burns, finished April 20
016) The Autobiography of Malcolm X as told to Alex Haley, finished April 15
015) Dispensation: Latter-Day Fiction edited by Angela Hallstrom, finished March 24
014) The Best American Comics 2009 edited by Charles Burns, finished March 22
013) Icon: A Hero's Welcome by Dwayne McDuffie and MD Bright, finished March 17
012) There's Treasure Everywhere by Bill Watterson, finished March 15
011) Static Shock: Rebirth of the Cool. Finished right at midnight between March 13 and 14
010) Teen Titans: Year One by Amy Wolfram et al, finished March 7
009) The Complete Calvin and Hobbes, Book One by Bill Watterson, finished March 6
008) Apparition & Late Fictions: A Novella and Stories by Thomas Lynch, finished March 5
007) Stone Rabbit #1: BC Mambo by Erik Craddock, finished March 2
006) The Selected Works of T. S. Spivet by Reif Larsen, finished February 23
005) Missile Mouse 2 by Jake Parker (MS POLICY), finished February 5
004) Heroes of the Fallen by David J. West, finished February 4
003) Still Life in Milford by Thomas Lynch, finished January 19
002) Rapunzel's Revenge by Hales Shannon Dean and Nathan, finished January 16
001) Mormoniana by Mormon Artists Group, finished January 13

Merry Christmas

.

So I finally fed that bum Santa enough cookies that he agreed to leave our house. Now I get to go to bed. That's my merry Christmas.

Sexy Ape Trousers

.

I will be referring to the pants company under discussion today as Sexy Ape Trousers (SAT) because I'm not sure I want them coming by Thutopia as they did the last time I talked about them. (Read that post and its comments for context.) For the same reasons, I will not be linking to them today. (But links are available where you just clicked and read.)



When I wrote that post I thought the whole Band of Brothers "application essay" thing was rather silly, but it was not until Moriah noted that SAT seemed to be saying "Prove to us you are WORTHY to wear Sexy Ape Trousers since you obviously aren't wealthy enough to do so." --- which she then hashed as #brandidentityFAIL --- that I realized this was exactly it: They want me to grovel.

And so even though Ninja Marshall wrote to allay my concerns, I never did write them for the discount. Here's his comment in full (in case you didn't read it at the link above):

Gents--

I'm really glad to to see such a robust discussion here. Let me explain the "Band of Brothers" program a little more.

There is NO essaying! We ask guys with careers in public service to write to us and let us know of their interest in the program and our brand, and then we offer them a very large discount (such that we do not make money on those purchases).

We don't do this to pat ourselves on the back. We do it to express gratitude. Our CEO is the son of an immigrant and a schoolteacher. My mother worked nights as a nurse my entire childhood. We have all of us benefited from public service, and we want to give back in the way we're most able: through our company.

Our pants cost a lot because they are manufactured here in America from the best imported fabrics, not because we're padding out wallets. Trust me, we're running a lean team here!

I will gladly answer any questions about our company, our policies, and/or our products--just email me at ninjas@sexyapetrousers.com.

This all happened, if you are good at math, 571 days ago. Thursday night (567 days ago), I suddenly felt inspired to shoot them an email, using the submission form on their website.

(I should mention here that although I lose my lunch at the thought of spending over a hundred bucks on a pair of pants, the idea of pants that actually fit me properly is quite attractive. Plus, SAT has corduroys in freaking awesome colors (see images above).

Before I sent the email I did at least look to see if I could find out just how much the Band of Brothers discount is. I found this guy who thinks that "Prices aren’t bad either (most are between $110 and $130), but what I thought was the most amazing thing was the Band of Brothers discount they gave me for working the field of non-profit/human service." (Holy belly but I clearly need to get me some of that nonprofit action where $130 for pants ain't bad.) Another guy said the BofB price is 50% list which, though a lot, would probably worth it if they're as great as claimed.

Anyway, this is the note I sent them:

I am a teacher and I am interested in a nice pair of pants for a change. Please --- tell me more!

This is the reply I received Friday morning:

Just write up a brief application about who you are, what you teach, maybe why you got into it and we'll let you know!

Cheers,

Derek

I dunno, man. That sure sounds like the application essay Marshall said I wouldn't have to write. I suppose you have to filter out all the cheap hipsters who want to take advantage of you, but what the hey? You'll let me know if why I teach is a good enough reason to warrant sixty bucks off your orange pants? I have a hard time not agreeing with Moriah at this point: Since I'm not rich enough to afford Sexy Ape Trousers, I must make my supplication and pray that you will judge my public-servant worthiness sufficient and then, by thy grace alone, perhaps I'll get a checkout coupon?

#brandidentityFAIL indeed.

Look. I appreciate what your company is trying to be with the quality and the fit and the sewn-in-USA stuff and everything. And I appreciate the gesture to me as a teacher --- I really do --- but your phrasing implies something else. For all the talk about how mom was a teacher, writing "To determine if you are eligible for a Bonobos Band of Brothers discount, write us explaining who you are, what you do, and why you believe you qualify" suggests something less friendly than lordly. We are lowly pilgrims and you are the petulant god whose ways are mysterious and unknowable. Yes, you say that you "aim to accept all applications," but why must your phrasing make me feel like I'm about to rub my face in the dirt?

Hhhhhh.

Still.

I really want a pair of orange corduroy pants. That fit nice.

And no doubt my hyperconsciousness of rhetoric is making me see things not intended by the Sexy Ape ninjas.

But still. It just makes me feel a little cheap.

Sitcom-based svithe: The meaning of Christmas is that Christmas has a meaning.

.

Do you watch Community? It's part of NBC's Thursday-night lineup and it's brilliant and clever and hilarious and meta and I recommend it. The other week they ran their Christmas episode, "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas" (temporarily available at NBC and Hulu and you can always just ask Google to find it for you). Here's a clip:

(Incidentally, since Abed is singing new words to the theme song, whenever someone says no shows today have decent original theme songs, I just start humming Community's. I can't help myself.)

The first thing you're apt to notice is the stop-motion. This is not something that Community does every week and I was worried that it would end up being a painful gimmick, but although it was less consistently hilarious than other episodes and perhaps slightly uneven, the stop-motion was not merely a gimmick. It mattered to the story.

Essentially, Abed's Christmas is not quite right and so he's imagining the world in stop-motion and, as stop-motion, the gang sets off to help Abed find the meaning of Christmas on Planet Abed with its 7%-cinnamon atmosphere.

At this point I'm about to move into serious give-away-the-ending SPOILER territory so if that bothers you, go away, watch, return.

Eventually Abed finds the meaning of Christmas and while at first it seems utterly anti-climactic, the more I think about it the more I appreciate it.^*

The meaning of Christmas is that Christmas has a meaning.

The meaning of Christmas is that Christmas has a meaning.

We assign Christmas meaning. For many of us that's wrapped up in baby Jesus and angels and stuff, but not everyone's signed up for Jesus and if, for them, the meaning of Christmas is a warm silence spent around the fire with wine and grandparents then I think that's awesome.

A time of year whose meaning differs for all of us, but can always mean something true and wonderful.

What a beautiful holiday.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Whatever that means for you.

previous svithe

Rolling my eyes to generate electricity

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Yes, I can run my laptop this way, but I have no idea what Keyboard Cat is doing.

Can I get you something? Cigarette? Cocktail? Orifice?

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I came up with that line in the shower today and thought it was pretty funny, a nice little triple. But then I started dissecting it (don't do this to jokes) and wondering if the joke were ethical in its assumptions etcetcetc. And then I began to wonder if this would count as a dirty joke. But I'm no expert on these things. I just say crap as I make it up. So I'll open it up to the rest of you. Is this joke worthy of preservation? And if so, under what circumstances could it be best deployed?

It's not Christmas without obnoxious songs you dearly love!

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As per my brother's recent discussion on Christmas music, I thought I would share this little mini-album which has many of the songs he discussed, including the burglar one and the accent one, and one I mentioned in the comments, the hippo one. Underneath it is the Quithmuth song by Mel Blanc.

Enjoy!

Thanonymity

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Nosurfgirl recently joined the world of the onymous (cf) which I found charming (for some reason). About the same time, Margaret Blair Young called me out on my own (allegedly hypocritical) anonymity (read these two comments). She may have been joking (probably not), but it still caught me off guard. I'm not, as you know, anonymous --- I just play an anonymous person on the internet.

Clicking the link attached to "Th." on my comment in that above-linked-to thread takes you here which has my name name in all its legal glory. Even here on Thutopia I'm not very well hidden, even if my name proper is inobvious (but it is here, should you care to ctrl+f). I'm not anonymousish because of some deep-seated dread over being fired over what I blog about, though I suppose my faux anonymity is enough to provide a buffer should A Casual Enemy go looking for me.

Besides, I need to be Very Easy To Find for people looking for me in my other capacity as editor/author/professionalawesomator. If you bing me using my last name and either theric or legalname+middleinitial it's all me all the time and mostly sites I would want you to find.

And yet I still have the black bars over my eyes.

Identity in a world in which the real and the virtual are increasingly the same thing is inherently in flux. Nothing static about the state of my identity or the quality of my anonymity. To know me is to know me, whether you call me Th. or the same thing my parents call me. I am me.

And, at the risk of sounding demonic, I'm pretty dang legion.

I have names enough. Call me what you will.

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If this were a group blog with lots of traffic, I would, at this point, ask a series of questions like How do you decide when to use your real name on the internet? or Has your onymity ever gotten you into trouble? or What the heck is wrong with you, putting pictures of your baby on the web for all the perverts to see?, but we're just not that regulated here. Regulation doth not become, here in Thutopia. Not loosygoosy enough.

11th Five Books, 2010

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KILLING CHILDREN!!!
WOUNDING OTHERS!!!!
KILL A KING AND MARRY WITH HIS WIFE!!!!!
KILL YOUR GRANDMA!!!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
BUT THE DOG STILL DIES!!!!!!!!

055) Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, finished December 2 and 3


When I started teaching Romeo and Juliet to 14yrolds I was sick up to here with R&J's silliness. I could sell it fine, but srsly, whatta bunch a young idiots our lovebirds are. (Which is exactly why you have to experience R&J as a teenager.)

I'm happy to say now that after a year off, this return to R&J was thoroughly enjoyable. I loved it. Yes, they're numbskulls, but living among their peers as I do, I could appreciate the charm thereof.

One other comment: the more I read a Shakespeare play, the fewer passages I don't understand. With Romeo and Juliet however, practically ever passage I understand for the first time . . . is about sex. This doesn't surprise me, yet somehow I am surprised.

For your edification, test your own knowledge of Romeo and Juliet: Quiz Key

TIME



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054) The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog by Dave Barry, finished November 27


This little book is charming and consistently smily if rarely laughy and while the ending is unlikely and overly convenient, it does involve a ton of frozen bat poop which keeps it from getting saccharine.

It's also very short --- just over a hundred pages and loaded with retro photos and ads from the 50s and 60s.

You'll likely enjoy it. I did.

two sittings



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053) Two Old Women: An Alaskan Legend of Betrayal, Courage and Survival by Velma Wallis, finished November 25


Wallis is an Athabaskan herself who has spent time living off the land, so she's uniquely qualified to tell this story of two old women, abandoned by their starving tribe in the midst of winter's famine.

The two old gripers left alone in the dead of winter above the Arctic Circle find forgotten reserves inside themselves and turn certain death into a bestselling adventure story.

The writing of this book is a bit pedestrian but the story is quite enjoyable and at under 150 text-light pages certainly worth your time. It'll take you to a world I'd only really ever experienced through a dog before,White Fang and leave you with enough to think about if that's what you desire --- if not, just enjoy the adventure.

two or possibly three days depending on how you count



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052) Fish Stick Knife Gun by Jamar Nicholas from Geoffrey Canada's memoir, finished November 18


Read about it on Fob Comics:

two days


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051) Hamlet by William Shakespeare, finished November 17


I'm getting too old for Hamlet. And reading it twice a year is getting to me. It's hard to call it the best thing ever written in the English language anymore.

May be time to try King Lear again. Clearly I am old. I've outgrown identification with Romeo and now I'm outgrowing my identification with Hamlet. After Lear, I suppose I'll be done with this life.

I'm too young!

under two weeks



Previously in 2010 . . . . :

• First Five • Second Five • Third Five • Fourth Five •
• Fifth Five • Sixth Five • Seventh Five •Eighth Five • Ninth Five • Tenth Five •

050) Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger, finished November 4
049) Legal Action Comics Volume 1 edited by "Dirty" Danny Hellman, October 29
048) The Atomics: Spaced Out & Grounded in Snap City! by people who are mostly not Mike Allred, finished October 28
047) The Trial by Frank Kafka, Chantal Montellier, David Sane Mairowitz; finished October 21
046) NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, finished October 6
045) Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson, finished October 4
044) Song/Cycles by Mormon Artists Group, finished Sept. 15
043) The Complete Peanuts 1973-1974 by Charles M. Schulz, finished September 6
042) Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, finished September 5
041) Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, finished September 2
040) The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, finished September 1
039) Buy Ketchup in May and Fly at Noon: A Guide to the Best Time to Buy This, Do That and Go There by Mark Di Vincenzo, finished August 28
038) Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut, finished August 25
037) In the Void by Michael R. Collings, finished August 21
036) Three Men on the Bummel by Jerome K. Jerome, finished August 18
035) Utah: Sex and Travel Guide by Calvin Grondahl, finished August 10
034) E Pluribus Unicorn by Theodore Sturgeon, finished August 9
033) The Complete Peanuts, 1971 to 1972 by Charles M. Schulz, finished August 6
032) I Am Not a Serial Killer by Dan Wells, finished August 6
031) Rogue Clone by Steven L. Kent, finished July 26
030) Servant of a Dark God by John Brown, finished July 21
029) Drink Me, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog by James Goldberg, finished June 9
028) Out of the Mount (tentative title) edited by Davey Morrison, finished June 8
027) Madman Boogaloo! by Mike Allred, Mike Baron, Bernie Mireault, Steve Rude; finished June 2
026) The Education of Robert Nifkin by Daniel Pinkwater, finished May 22
025) True Grit by Charles Portis, finished May 21
024) Old Man's War by John Scalzi, finished May 15
023) Pandora's Nightmare: Horror Unleashed, finished May 13
022) Anthem by Ayn Rand, finished May 11
021) Look! It's Jesus!: Amazing Holy Visions in Everyday Life by Harry Choron and Sandra Choron, finished May 9
020) Travels in the Scriptorium: A Novel by Paul Auster, finished May 5
019) Suburban Folklore by Steven Walters, finished May 4
018) The Lonely Polygamist by Brady Udall, finished April 30
017) Gracie: A Love Story by George Burns by George Burns, finished April 20
016) The Autobiography of Malcolm X as told to Alex Haley, finished April 15
015) Dispensation: Latter-Day Fiction edited by Angela Hallstrom, finished March 24
014) The Best American Comics 2009 edited by Charles Burns, finished March 22
013) Icon: A Hero's Welcome by Dwayne McDuffie and MD Bright, finished March 17
012) There's Treasure Everywhere by Bill Watterson, finished March 15
011) Static Shock: Rebirth of the Cool. Finished right at midnight between March 13 and 14
010) Teen Titans: Year One by Amy Wolfram et al, finished March 7
009) The Complete Calvin and Hobbes, Book One by Bill Watterson, finished March 6
008) Apparition & Late Fictions: A Novella and Stories by Thomas Lynch, finished March 5
007) Stone Rabbit #1: BC Mambo by Erik Craddock, finished March 2
006) The Selected Works of T. S. Spivet by Reif Larsen, finished February 23
005) Missile Mouse 2 by Jake Parker (MS POLICY), finished February 5
004) Heroes of the Fallen by David J. West, finished February 4
003) Still Life in Milford by Thomas Lynch, finished January 19
002) Rapunzel's Revenge by Hales Shannon Dean and Nathan, finished January 16
001) Mormoniana by Mormon Artists Group, finished January 13

Congratulations to Farrell Smith for getting through Gmail's spam defenses

.

from: Farrell Smith
reply-to: farrellmsmith@gmail.com
date: Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 5:52 AM
subject: Trouble
signed-by: yahoo.com
hide details 5:52 AM (3 hours ago)

Hi

Apologies for having to reach out to you like this, but I made a quick trip to London,United Kingdom and had my bag stolen from me with my passport and credit cards in it. The embassy is willing to help by letting me fly without my passport, I just have to pay for a ticket and settle Hotel bills. Unfortunately for me, I can't have access to funds without my credit card, I've made contact with my bank but they need more time to come up with a new one. I was thinking of asking you to lend me some quick funds that I can give back as soon as I get in. I really need to be on the next available flight.

I can forward you details on how you can get the funds to me. You can reach me via hotel's desk phone, the number is +447045749898

I hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Farrell Smith