You say snot, I say guar gum

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I picked up a white-chocolate and peppermint version of Milkadamia's macadamia milk sometime after the holidays when the store felt it had to go. Then, last week, someone got tired of it being in the pantry and stuck it in the fridge. I opened it and have been slyly enjoying it all on my own. The fridge was packed and it's not that exciting a box.

As I am a loving husband, however, as as I had already drunk three quarters of the stuff, I did share a cup with my beloved. She did not like it but kindly blamed her dislike on the flavor of what she had been previously eating. The next day, on her own, she tried again—and utterly despised it.

She has retained no memory of the taste as she was focused entirely on forcing herself to choke it down, in order to give it a fair shake. The last half she drank over the sink: just in case.

It was the texture that got to her. And it is thick, I grant you. She said it reminded her of some almond-milk-gone-bad of yore.

Is !y almond milk still good? pic.twitter.com/cqqsy9aOo5

— Theric Jepson (@thmazing) November 21, 2016

(My guess is that tweet should say my but I can't explain how I typed an ! in place of an m.)

I get it. It is extreeeemely viscous. I'm dipping graham crackers in it right now and I've given up on dipping—I just drop them in. They stand for a moment before slowly tipping over. Then I leave them for several minutes before pulling them out. They do not fall apart.

This stuff is extremely viscous.

Anyway, I had taken a sip from my dipping cup as I walked to the table and realized why I like this so much and my wife does not. It goes back to our childhoods and opinions we formed them.

You see, Milkadamia's White Chocolate Seasonal Delight is basically Pepto Bismol if Pepto Bismol were food instead of medicine.

Delicious.

Some tragically lost memories

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Boy, I sure wish I could remember when I first had Nutella. I know the story of the first time my wife had Nutella---easily a decade before we met---but I don't remember my first time!

I guess you just don't know which food you're trying for the first time will be a memory worth preserving. Which foods will matter more and more? Which will be one and off? Which will be delicious but never revisited?

I remember my first time having falafel---at a San Jose dive my mother-in-law saw on Food Network. I didn't like it. I've had good falafel since then, but it's certainly not anything I seek out. Hummus however has become an absolute staple of my diet.

Yet I have no idea when I first tasted hummus nor what I thought.

Stupid brain.

That reminds me.

I haven't tried brain yet.

Maybe on a burrito---?

Lo-cal (though not local, sadface, nor particularly affordable, sadface) sodas

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A review of three low-calorie, "natural" sodas.

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In third place . . . :

Natural Jones Soda is lucky I only tasted three sodas for this contest because it's kind of awful. I mean---tasting it Andronico's it was fine, but when you have more than a single ounce? Uck. The salesman talked me into the purchase. Besides being a natural low-calorie soda, he told me, it has fiber! Well! I bought it! Didn't think to check the ingredients for myself. Added caffeine? I feel betrayed. Not cool, soda salesguy. Not cool. Plus, it's too sweet in that icky nonsugar way and just doesn't taste very good. Currently only available in California.

In second place . . . :

Q is terrific. We picked this one up at Andronico's in the same visit we got the Jones. We only tried these two flavors, but they were wonderful. Just carbonated high-end juice, really. You can't go wrong with Q's citrus, clearly. I'm anxious to try their ginger. And maybe I'll finally get around to trying tonic water in Q's capable hands.

And our winner . . . :

DRY Soda manages to be all things I want. A soda that's as good at room temperature as cold. Comes in interesting flavors and comes at them from an interesting direction (once you've tasted one, you can recognize them all). Sadly, no store near enough sells them (we happened to be in Pinole when we bought them), but I'm fond. I want to try rhubarb! I want them to make celery! DRY is the right brand to finally produce a basil soda (I really really want a basil soda). But it's not just for flavors I've imagined that I choose DRY. Blood orange was a bit dull, but those other three flavors are clear winners. Buy DRY.

Chipotle, huh?

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So. Chipotle. Making all kinds of money, spreading all over the country, turning out great commercials. Personally I wasn't interested until I saw a poster at the BART station saying they serve---I forget---three acres of cilantro a day or something. That sounded good.

But still. I have Gordo and Cactus and Picante and Talavera and a million other local places. Why would I go to Chipotle?

Well, a reason arrived in the form of a fundraiser. Half the money I spent tonight (I'm writing this on the 20th) goes to my kids' elementary school. Good enough.

First, the good news. The chips! Holy smokes! What great chips! I don't know what sorta grease they cooked them in, but mmmwa! And the salt! Seriously. Among the best chips I've ever had.

Now, the bad news. Everything else.

I'm sorry Chipotle fans, but really? Really? What do you see in this place? It's a chain, but it's not cheaper than the good places. And it's not better than, say, Cafe Rio or Rubio's. The carnitas is simply bad and everything else ranges from the flavorless to the off. Honestly. I'm utterly mystified what people see in this place.

I mean---if the rest of the country is that desperate for a burrito, okay, but why are there two within a couple miles of my house? Can anyone explain this to me? The burritos aren't even wrapped well! The employees were nice enough (though between my head cold, their music, and some noisy fans, we could barely communicate) and the menu was reminiscent of burger places that know what's up (In-N-Out, Five Guys), but that stuff's mere trappings. The real test is the food and no matter how free-range their chickens or organic their tomatoes, their food just ain't good.

Now. Who wants to make a Gordo run?