Longlegs was barely scarier than Trap (and other hot takes on August's movies)

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I think my favorite new thing this month was a barely-long-enough-to-qualify-for-this-list animated French film in which a girl attempts to return a book to a librarian. It's so quiet, guys. And so beautiful.

And movies that looked cool were just okay (looking at you, Longlegs) and incredibly dumb films that also looked bad could still be fun (Argylle) or not (Madame Web). Also watched a couple performance films, which was a nice change of pace, but unlikely to become a habit.

I'm not sure why. But none of that feels at all August.

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THEATER
Century Cinemark Hilltop 16

Longlegs (2024)

I am so disappointed.

Spoilers ahead.

I was excited for this movie. Great trailer, what a writeup on The Atlantic, 100% on Rotten Tomatoes (and still Fresh), a hugely buzzed-about Nic Cage performance. . . .

Seemed like a must-see movie.

And there's plenty of good and interesting stuff. The filming is attractive. The camera is threatening. Maika Monroe leads like a champ. The compositions, the sets, the mise en scene, the lighting—all great.

And then they reveal it's, wait for it, Satan. Yup. It's Satan.

I don't know why, but I find devil movies utterly boring and dumb and pointless. So while I think it's fun how this movie is in serious conversation with Silence of the Lambs (imagine if Clarice's childhood experience with the lambs was connected to Buffalo Bill), once the devil's here I just do not care. It throws me out of the effect the movie'd been building and I'm done.

I just rewatched the trailer and it does nothing for me now. I'm so annoyed. I could've gone to see the new Quiet Place or Shyamalan movie instead.

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Tetris (2023)

Loved it. Loved the music cues. Loved the video-game graphics. Loved the thrilled shaping. Loved the actors. The whole thing works. No, it doesn't rise to the level of alltime classic, but it's a perfect piece of entertainment and a good example of how streaming has robbed theaters of lifeblood.

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Argylle (2024)

This movie was just as dumb and absurd as I expected. Actually, even more so. The only things I've seen that comes close come out of Hong Kong. I'm not sure anything in this movie was real. Was there a real cat on set at any time? Was any liquid over eight ounces ever seen outside a computer? How many of those extras were real? It was like watching Tintin at times. In fact, as the movie began, I thought I was going to say it should've been more like Tintin, but I was not saying that at all once the end arrived. The movie never saw a twist it wouldn't take. The sound design was often shabby but never as cheap as many of the visuals.

By no means was this movie good. Oh, but I enjoyed it. It's just a big dumb mess filled with stars and absolutely delightful—because it's not pretending to be smarter than its audience. It knows how dumb it is and it revels in it.

Also, I love that Bryce Dallas Howard is still allowed to be a beautiful woman now that she's not as thin as she was in her twenties. Well done, Hollywood.

But I have to ask, does this movie have the highest individual bodycount (that is, excepting things like bombings and exploding planets) of any PG-13 movie ever? Because it was bananas.

Honestly. Pretty morally bankrupt film, now that I think of it. But, you know, fun.

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our bluray

World of Tomorrow (2015 – 2020)

Although these are packaged as if the first three episodes have become one film in the way three shorts became It's Such a Beautiful Day. Although the bluray lets you play them as one, there are end credits after each section. And rightly so. Although they are connected, they are not the same. The are separate films doing different things.

I liked them but not as much as my favorite Hertzfeldt's. The even less plotty "On Memory" on the bluray was my favorite of all the stuff on the disk.

THEATER
Century Cinemark Hilltop 16

A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)

I still have high regards for #1 but we never did manage to see #2. Thankfull, it's hardly necessary for a prequel.

Like #1, there are questions that could be asked (did all the dogs die while she was knocked out? kids too? why can the creatures not hear a heartbeat from centimeters away?) but the movie is such an excellent place to be trapped that they don't really matter. The experiences unfolding before us are what matter. And so that's what we're thinking about.

(Although don't you think Djimon Hounsou must've had a bigger role originally? Maybe it got edited out. Maybe it'll become DAY ONE: PART TWO or something. Speaking of....)

No one's done this yet, but I think the Quiet Place movies are the perfect opportunity to spead sequels across the world. Hire excellent teams in other countries to make A Quiet Day: Korea, A Quiet Day: Bombay, A Quiet Day: Edinburgh, A Quiet Day: The Nile, etc. Let'm rip.

THEATER
Century Cinemark Hilltop 16

Trap (2024)

First of all, why did no one tell me HAYLEY MILLS IS IN THIS THING??? I mean, apparently she's very busy, but I haven't seen her in anything new in yeeeaars.

Anyway, mild spoilers from here on out.

Trap's a perfectly enjoyable thriller. Exciting but never that scary. A fun, safe romp. Not Shyamalan's best work but good stuff. Scott Mendelson says that an original thriller starring Josh Hartnett "opening with $15.6 million in 2024 would be a relative triumph for almost any filmmaker other than Shyamalan" but of course M. Night is the man who brought us actual masterpieces like The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable so we're always going to be disappointed. Scott also said that the studio blew it by not letting critics see it: "Critics and professional journalists were not going to spoil the film’s second and third acts for sport." I suppose that's true. (And here's where the minor spoilers come in.) You can break this movie into three acts based on who is the protagonist and only the first act did I know about coming into the movie. I thought the whole thing would take place within those confines, but not so. It gets better. And while there are no jawdropping twists or anything, the turns the film took were, as I said, thrilling.

I am curious if this and Smile 2 were written in response to the huge concert films of late. Seems impossible the turnaround could be that quick but it seems like good timeing. Except for that $15.6 million I suppose proving me wrong.

Anyway, even though I love or at least appreciate most of M Night's work (I didn't like The Happening but, to be fair, I only saw the last half), I'm startled to realize what big gaps I have in his filmography:

I keep trying to get into theaters, buddy! It's hard!

Anyway, thanks for casting Hailey Mills. It was delightful to see her.

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The Secret of NIMH (1982)

I really want to like this movie. And I guess I do, but I don't really buy it, you know? All I really remember from reading it as a kid is that certain characters were scary and the ending is magical but not quite sensical. I guess I still agree with me.

I thought it might be different this time, having read Randy Astle's essay and Don Bluth's autobiography, but even with a new theoretical framework, it just doesn't quite click.

Complaints aside, I do like the art and the acting. The characters are good. Visually, the film is excellent throughout. I can see why Speilberg snapped him up to make An Americal Tail and The Land Before Time before the decade was out. Me, I just don't buy the magic stuff, I guess.

One thing I find strange:

One of the reasons Bluth and other Disney animators left Disney is because they thought the Disney movies of the era were awful. But Robin Hood is the one that finally outraged them enough to beat it. What with those anthropomorphic animals and everything. But this movie's animals are . . . pretty anthropomorphic, even if they do live in a human world. And Mrs. Brisby's kids are verrrry much like Mother Rabit in Robin Hood. Not sure what to make of that.

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Idiocracy (2006)

Ah ha! The times have changed again. Although the humor and warning of this movie are still intact for the new batch of teens, their main takeaway is "it's gross." I think largely because of the f slur. Which apparently is so verboten now they would prefer it not even show up in a film like Idiocracy in which it is clearly not a word the film proposes we should adopt into our own daily vocabularies.

This is an interesting fact about Gen Z. Although I think on average they are less startled or offended by the bad language of the deitific (does not compute as offensive at all), scatalogical, or sexual (not sure they truly realize that's the real meaning) variety, slurs shock them more than perhaps any other generation and they have a greater allergy to them than any generation I've ever shared Earth with. Doesn't matter if they are about sex, sexuality, race, ethnicity, race, or what, it's a strong no.

I'm curious how they'll remember it.

ELSEWHERE
Hulu

Joel McHale: Live from Pyongyang (2019)

I watched this over a couple bagel lunches. I had no idea Joel McHale did standup thought I suppose it makes sense given what I do know of his career. It also goes to show why his embodied his character so well on Community: dick is his vibe.

Most of the special is him ragging on places he's done shows. This show happened in San Jose so he starts with some pretty safe jokes about the Bay Area. But then he gets harsh, particularly about the South, and I was wondering how those jokes would play if I were Southern. Then he went to Utah. And although I think the Mormon stuff was lighter than the Southern stuff, it was fine. Somehow he is mean without being meanspirited, if that makes sense. He just owns his awfulness.

I wonder if he's one of those comics who just loves to bomb.

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Madame Webb (2024)

So, yeah, this is a pretty bad movie. And considering the resources at hand, it deserves all the oprobium. That said, I thought it would be worse.

But let's start by listing some of the bad things, mm? First of all, it has some of the most embarrassing exposition conversations I've ever listened to. And the film insists on underlining what's happening just in case it's too smart for us. (It's not.)

The most obvious problem is Tahar Rahim. Apparently he's been great and maybe he's better in French but he's so, so bad in this movie. And pretty much any time anyone else has to act with him, they're terrible as well.

But I suspect we may be able to blame this on the director. Because it seems pretty clear that Dakota Johnson was given direction that resulted in ludicrously bad stuff, including facial expressions, gestures, and line delivery. It's crazy how she'll be good and then she'll do something that belongs in a 1920 parody of an 1880 parody of an 1860 melodrama. It's whiplashy.

But a lot of the writing is bad. Her friend the EMT has apparently never been present at the birth of a baby before. And the cinematography and editing are bad. The movie can't decide what slow-motion means and every once in a while it remembers it wants to do quick cuts and wild camera movement but it would be generous to call any of those moments barely motivated.

But there was maybe ten or fifteen percent of the movie that I thought was pretty fun. So good job, everybody.

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Vimeo

Funny Birds (2024)

First, Charlie Belin has a beautiful hand. Her light touch with the art is gorgeous yet deceptively simple. And she can show anything from any angle, the camera rotating and the characters moving. The whole world is there. But our eyes only see what they see. Which is also somehow truer.

Although I watched it in English, the voice work and sound mix is incredible, and it feels and naturalistic as in the only other of her film's I've watched which basically just recorded the sounds in a cafe. The English dub is an incredible achievement.

This is also one of the most beautiful, subtle, pure middle-school quest stories I've ever seen. It checks all the boxes of a hero's journey but it's so quiet you might not realize that's what's happening until it's all over.

What an achievement.

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Ricky Jay and His 52 Assistants (1996)

Yes, he is amazing, but he doesn't even need to be good. I'm so deep into listening I wouldn't see where the balls end up even if he's tossing them directly into the audience.

Lobsters are vermin you eat

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We'll start cute and then go dark. Sound good?

It better because, ah, that's what we're doing.

Onward!

083) You're Mom by Liz Climo, finished August 7

Not the same thing, but the vibes match.

one sit

084) Lobster Is the Best Medicine by Liz Climo, finished August 7

A fine little collection of hers. You like it or you don't. I had two laughs but I love the art every page even when I don't find it that funny.

a second sit

085) Lunar New Year Love Story by Gene Luen Yang and Leuyen Pham, finished August 12

 

Let's add this to the list of Gene Luen Yang masterpieces. Even though I come into any teenage-romance story deeply skeptical, I was absolutely won over by this one. It's multiple storylines (all about love, not all about teenage romance) all come together to give me multiple reasons to cry. Even what is essentially a mid-credits sequence for books made me cry, resolving a story that was no longer top of my mine.

Although Yang is a terrific artist himself, he made an excellent choice handing art responsibilities over to Leuyen Pham for this book. At first it was a little disorienting because I associate her so deeply with the Princess in Black and other Shannon Hale collabs, but I got over that soon enough. Her sense of anatomy and gesture and her skill at weaving in the fantastical elements that make many Yang books so intensely felt, create a shared work of wonder that's barely rivaled.

I really think Gene Luen Yang is one of the best writers of our generation and he understands what comics can do. Pham managed to meet him as an equal. This is must-read comics fiction.

at most a week

 

086) Alma 30–63: A Brief Theological Introduction by Mark A. Wrathall, finished August 18t

From the epilogue:

My general perspective is this: Alma's ministry was devoted to attacking background assumptions about the world that distort our relationship to God and to each other. Ironically, the greatest obstacle to understanding Alma's doctrine is the fact that we continue to hold the very assumptions or prejudices he attacks. One of these assumptions is that religious faith is primarily concerned with belief or knowledge—that to stand in the right relationship to God is to believe the right things about God. Another is the idea that I merit or deserve God's mercy as a result of what I do. A third is that God's justice is a form of vengeance.

Alma's experience taught him that these assumptions distort our faith and prevent us from letting Christ's mercy transform our heart.

It's a terrific book. And it opens up both Alma and faith itself.

almost two months

 

087) The Pearl by John Steinbeck, August 20

 I haven't written about this since I first read it in 2007 but I have read it. At only 90 pages, it doesn't technically qualify for this list, but I rather wished I'd put at least a sentence up each time I read it with a class so I could see any evolving opinions or even just the number of times I read it, which must be over ten but could be over twenty. It's been over ten years since I've read it now. And instead of assigning it to freshmen, to be read together in class, I assigned it to seniors to read on their own the first two days of school. It's an experiment.

Anyway, when I first read The Pearl, my only experience with Steinbeck was Of Mice and Men which has . . . a similar conclusion. And I wondered if Steinbeck was a one-trick. Since then I've read more (I've loved Travels with Charley and East of Eden, and thought Pippin IV was fun.) which may have opened me up to The Pearl in new ways because it doesn't just feel like an easy way to get kids to have opinions anymore. It feels like something I actually care about.

two days

 

088) The Woman in the Woods and Other North American Stories, finished August 20

Like all the collections I get off Kickstarter, it's hit and miss. Mostly miss, to be honest, but you do find these glimmers of potential and I'm left hoping these folks get more opportunities to grow their craft.

Which I suppose means I should really keep buying these off Kickstarter, but I'm trying to spend less money there. Art needs patronage.

after dinner

089) Our Lady of Darkness by Fritz Leiber, finished August 23

First of all, I hated it. I only finished it out of respect for my late neighbor who praised it as one of the two monsters of its era likely to achieve immortality. (The other was Interview with the Vampire.) Perhaps I should have been suspicious as Anne Rice was a friend of his and Fritz Leiber may well have been as well; they were all Bay Area residents, after all.

This novel is so grounded in San Francisco that it can be difficult to tell what is real and what is not. Perhaps it doesn't matter as it is all true within the novel, but since the novel often feels like Leiber would rather have been working on encyclopedia articles, it seems to matter.

It's a difficult novel not to skim. There is VOLUMINOUS exposition, often appearing after the "need" for it has passed. And if a character is worth describing in two-pages of detail once, he'll be worth describing in two-pages of detail again. Even if a full page of other stuff has not passed in the interim.

I suppose I should be grateful that we did, once, get to go a hundred pages without the moon being described as gibbous.

I'm astonished the book was so highly regarded when it appeared, in the late '70s. I suppose that tells us a lot about the era, particularly in contrast with our own. Also, that young women are into middle-aged men. (Even when they like middle-aged women even better.)

What a shame the book is a boring slog, though, because the antepenultimate chapter, when we finally meet the eponymous character, is pretty cool. But even though I saw her appearance coming, it didn't feel justified by the pages that came before. It wish if I could have believed in it, but I had found nothing in this book prior to persuade away my disbelief. She, at least, is a somewhat original monster, compared the the other monster which the book spends way more time worried about.

In short, it sucks. No matter what reviews of the time may claim.

i'll guess three weeks

 

090) Radiant Vermin by Philip Ridley, finished August 29

I'm on the hunt for a dystopic play that I can read with my AP Lit students while they're all reading dystopian novels in small groups. In other words, a play to read during classtime.

I'm down to four finalists which I am now reading, starting with Radiant Vermin, which is excellent but not right, I don't think. I loved it, I think the conclusion is spectacular, and while issues of greed and classism and euphemism and murder and stuff work well with students (you should read their Pearl papers), the stuff about housing anxiety seems a bit old for 17yrolds. And while the section where the two characters are reenacting a scene involving almost a dozen characters has a payoff in those final pages, I think it would be too confusing to do in class for too many students.

Still. Great play. My gosh, can you imagine walking out after that conclusion?

You can read the opening pages here.

one day

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 2024 × 10 = Bette Davis being Bette Davis

001) Zita the Spacegirl by Ben Hatke, finished January 1
002) The Complete Peanuts: 1977 – 1978 by Charles M. Schulz , finished January 6
003) The Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman et al, finished January 10
004) Zita the Spacegirl by Ben Hatke, finished January 17
005) Touched by Walter Mosley, finished January 19
006) Opposable Thumbs: How Siskel & Ebert Changed Movies Forever by Matt Singer, finished January 20
007) Evergreen Ape: The Story of Bigfoot by David Norman Lewis, finished January 24
008) What Falls Away by Karin Anderson, finished February 1
009) Peanuts Jubilee: My Life and Art with Charlie Brown and Others by Charles M. Schulz, finished February 3
010) Legends of Zita the Spacegirl by Ben Hatke, finished February 3

 A few of my favorite things

011) Roaming by Jillian Tamaki and Mariko Tamaki, finished February 3
012) The Return of Zita the Spacegirl by Ben Hatke, February 9
013) Things in the Basement by Ben Hatke, February 10
014) A Charlie Brown Religion: Exploring the Spiritual Life and Work of Charles M. Schulz by Stephen J. Lind, finished February 10
015) 1st Nephi: A Brief Theological Introduction by Joseph M. Spencer, finished February 10
016) Dendo by Brittany Long Olsen, finished February 11
017) The Ten Winners of the 2023 Whiting Awards, finished February 12
018) The Peanuts Papers: Writers and Cartoonists on Charlie Brown, Snoopy & the Gang, and the Meaning of Life edited by Andrew Blaune, finished February 17
019) Do Not Disturb Any Further by John Callahan, finished February 17
020) Mighty Jack by Ben Hatke, finished circa February 19
021) 2nd Nephi: A Brief Theological Introduction by Terryl Givens, February 24

 

Let's start with the untimely deaths

022) The Life and Death of King John by William Shakespeare, finished February 28
022) Mighty Jack and the Goblin King by Ben Hatke, finished February 29
023) Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel García Márquez, finished March 4
024) Millay by Edna St. Vincent Millay, finished March
025, 026) The Life and Death of King John by William Shakespeare, finished March 6, 8
027) Murder Book by Hilary Fitzgerald Campbell, finished March 11
028) A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
029) The Last Hero by Terry Pratchett and Paul Kidby, finished March 15
030) Karen's Roller Skates by Ann M. Martin and Katy Farina, finished March 18

 

Four comics could hardly be more different

031) The Sandman: The Wake by Neil Gaiman et al, finished March 18
032) The World of Edena by Mœbius, finished March 23
033) Three Rocks: The Story of Ernie Bushmiller, the Man Who Created Nancy by Bill Griffith, finished March 23
034) Mighty Jack and Zita the Spacegirl by Ben Hatke, finished March 23

 

Jacob says be nice and read comics

035) Jacob: A Brief Theological Introduction by Deidre Nicole Green, finished March 24
036) Starter Villain by John Scalzi, finished March 27
037) Mister Invincible: Local Hero by Pascal Jousselin, finished March 30
038) The Toon Treasury of Classic Children's Comics, edited by Art Spiegelman and Francoise Mouly, finished March 30
039) Harley Quinn: Breaking Glass by Mariko Tamaki and Steve Pugh, finished April 1
040) The Super Hero's Journey by Patrick McDonnell, finished April 5  

 

Eleven books closer to death

041) The Stranger Beside Me: Updated Twentieth Anniversary Edition by Ann Rule, finished April 9
042) Huda F Are You? by Huda Fahmy, finished April 13
043) Enos, Jarom, Omni: a brief theological introduction by Sharon J. Harris, finished April 25
044) The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson, finished April 27 
045,046,049) The Mysteries by Bill Watterson and John Kascht, finished April 29, 30; May 3
047) The Children's Bach by Helen Garner, finished April 30
048) No. 1 with a Bullet by Sehman/Corona/Hickman/Wands, finished May 2
050) Over Seventy by P. G. Wodehouse, finished May 7
051) The Happy Shop by Brittany Long Olsen, finished May 16
052) Shades of Fear, finished May 21
053) Love Poems in Quarantine by Sarah Ruhl, finished May 21

 

And a vibrator makes it five dozen.....

054) The English Understand Wool by Helen DeWitt, finished May 25
055) Mosiah: A Brief Theological Introduction by James E. Faulconer, finished May 26
056) Lives of the Monster Dogs by Kirstin Bakis
057) 100 Essays I Don't Have Time to Write: On Umbrellas and Sword Fights, Parades and Dogs, Fire Alarms, Children, and Theater by Sarah Ruhl, finished June 1
058) Our Malady: Lessons in Liberty from a Hospital Diary by Timothy Snyder, finished June 4
059) Dead Man's Cell Phone by Sarah Ruhl, finished June 6
060) The Next Room, or the vibrator play by Sarah Ruhl, finished June 8

 

And with Ursula, 69

061) The Robber Bridegroom by Eudora Welty, finished June 10
062) Blood of the Virgin by Sammy Harkham, finished June 11
063) Mulysses by Øyvind Torseter, finished June 11
064) Between the River and the Bridge by Craig Ferguson, finished June 12
065) Cranky Chicken by Katherine Battersby, finished June 12
066) Mile End Kids Stories by Isabelle Arsenault, finished June 12
067) Tiny Titans: Field Trippin' by author, finished June 14
068) Brief Theological Introductions: Alma 1–29 by Kylie Nielson Turley, finished June 16
069) Words Are My Matter: Writings on Life and Books by Ursula K. Le Guin, finished June 16

 

Numbers 70 through 75
070) Better Living Through Criticism: How to Think about Art, Pleasure, Beauty, and Truth by A. O. Scott, finished June 17
071) Alice, Let's Eat by Calvin Trillin, finished June 20
072) My Lovely Vigil Keeping by Carla Kelly, finished June 21
073) Dreamsnake by Vonda N. McIntyre, finished July 9
074) The Red House Mystery by A. A. Milne, finished July 11
075) Best. Movie. Year. Ever. How 1999 Blew Up the Big Screen by Brian Raftery, finished July 16

 

Comics soup and rice
076) I Survived the Attacks of September 11, 2001 by Lauren Tarshis and Corey Egbert (et al), finished July 16
077) Skull Cat and the Curious Castle by Norman Shurtliff, finished July 18
078) Epileptic by David B., finished July 19
079) Amethyst: Princess of Gemworld by Shannon and Dean Hale, and Asiah Fulmore; finished July 30
080) Fadeaway by E. B. Vickers, finished August 2
081) You're Dad by Liz Climo, finished August 4
082) Meanwhile...A Comic Shop Anthology, finished August 5

Sacrament meeting topic: "Aaronic Priesthood" (a svithe)

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Not an easy topic, for a number of reason. But I came up with things to say. And I stand by them. Even though I would have written this differently were it to be printed (oh, wait) or factchecked by the Washington Post.

Anyway, this is copied from my reading version. The text is smaller (and all the same size) here, but you can get a sense of how I mark things to help me do it right. In case that is interesting to you.

===

So Joseph and Oliver were translating the Book of Mormon and the Book of Mormon really hammers on about the importance of baptism. So they headed out to the woods to pray about it and what do you know but John the Baptist—THE John the Baptist!—appeared to ordain them to the Aaronic Priesthood and, in doing so, he said these words: 🧔🏽‍♂️

Upon you my fellow servants, in the name of Messiah I confer the Priesthood of Aaron, which holds the keys of the ministering of angels, and of the gospel of repentance, and of baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; and this shall never be taken again from the earth, until the sons of Levi do offer again an offering unto the Lord in righteousness.

Joseph and Oliver then baptized each other in the Susquehanna River. Mission accomplished.

Not long later, the higher priesthood was also brought back to earth, and then the Saints had to figure out what the deal was with two priesthoods.

In Nauvoo, unlike now, the average age of a priest was 29 years old. Only four teenagers were ordained priests.

Later, in Utah, Brigham Young was frustrated with the rush to ordain men to the Melchizedek Priesthood because that didn’t leave enough men to be deacons, teachers, and priests. Eventually, members of the Melchizedek Priesthood were being set apart as “acting” teachers, priests, and deacons to fill the need. Brigham Young was skeptical of calling adolescents to those roles as, quote, 🧔🏻‍♂️ “It is not the business of an ignorant young man, of no experience in family matters, to inquire into the circumstances of families, and know the wants of every person. Some may want medicine and nourishment and be[ing] looked after, and it is not the business of boys to do this, but select a man who has got a family to be a Deacon.”

By the 1870s, the male youth of Zion were a bunch of hooligans, writing on walls and spitting tobacco juice all over. Eliza Snow said that 👩🏻 "no thought [had been] bestowed upon [the] spiritual culture" of Zion's first generation of children until things were going wrong wrong wrong What was to be done?

Well, one stake president suggested bishops, quote, 👴🏼 “draw the young men into positions in the Priesthood and thus an excellent experience, and, at the same time, preserve them from evil associations.” He said his own sons got much better following ordination and hey, we’re desperate for deacons!

I’m not sure this counts as a “heartwarming” story, but it’s a true story.

So does it work?

Well, when I was a teenage priest, each week, two of us priests would hop in one of our families’ cars after church, and drive to the houses of various shutins to deliver the sacrament. One time, Karl was driving. Karl was a year younger than me and not someone I thought of as particularly hooliganny. But! as he turned on the car and started driving us to our first location, he said, with more a dare than an apology in his voice, that the music we were listening to was River of Dreams, Billy Joel’s new album, and that it was probably way harder than anything I was used to and he hoped it wouldn’t disturb me too much but he was gonna let it play.

So I don’t know.

To be honest, though, I don’t believe in a God who punishes you for listening to Billy Joel on Sunday. Maybe for listening to Billy Joel on Sunday even when you think it will offend someone else, but what really matters in this story, is that Karl and I were driving to visit people we only sort of knew to attempt awkward cross-generational conversation en route to giving them the body and blood of our mutual Savior.

We all just heard the prayers, but the fact that we hear them each week suggests we cannot hear them enough. Let me read the shorter one again:

O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this water to the souls of all those who drink of it, that they may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them; that they may witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them.

||

Quick tangent:

The long road of human evolution has given our adolescent years some quirks. For instance, if you’re finishing high school and you’re never ever irritated by your parents, biology is failing you. Irritation is normal. It’s nature trying to get you to leave their nest, to enter adulthood and start building nests of your own. It’s supposed to be this way.

So maybe it’s appropriate that the way I found, when I was in late adolescence, to focus on the sacrament prayers was to rewrite them to be about, ah, me. Like so:

O God, the Eternal Father, I ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this water to MY soul as I drink of it, that I may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for ME; that I may witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that I do always remember him, that I may have his Spirit to be with ME.

|| But it’s easy for an adult to make cracks about teenagers. We’ve left that time behind and, speaking of biology, our brains aren’t even capable of recreating the drama you’re living through. And so it’s easy to tease teenage Eric about rewriting the prayers into first-person singular, but—it did help me focus. And it still does. And the important thing about the story I told before isn’t Karl’s dumb posturing, trying to impress me with his hardcore Billy Joel album, but the fact that we were sixteen and seventeen and we were taking the sacrament to people like Brother Blackburn who, I realize now, was trying to rile me up by asking if I was a girl because my hair hit my collar. (Oh, if he could see me now!)

But memory’s a flimsy thing anyway. I’m now going to mention a General Conference talk that knocked me over when I was in high school but was not actually given until just after I’d turned 22. Now-President Dallin H. Oaks gets into the first 25 words of what John the Baptist said:

Upon you my fellow servants, in the name of Messiah I confer the Priesthood of Aaron, which holds the keys of the ministering of angels

I like angels.

I like angels because they’re so impossible. Considering the keys of the ministering of angels is a lot more in-your-face kind of religion than, say, loving your neighbor or cleaning the church building. Believing in angels is a bigger challenge for the modern mind. And yet—the Aaronic Priesthood holds the keys of the ministering of angels.

But this isn’t just about them.

Elders, wave your hands. Everyone, say hi to the elders. They can see in our faces we miss the sisters, but we’ll love you too, elders—promise!

Jesus says to missionaries that “I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

A*****, R*****, L****, A****—now you wave your hands. This is our Relief Society presidency. And Joseph Smith told the sisters, when you live up to Relief Society principles, 👨🏻‍🦰 “how great and glorious will be your reward in the celestial kingdom! If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”

Our buddy Nephi taught us that after “following [our] Lord and [our] Savior down into the water…[and] receiv[ing] the Holy Ghost…comes the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost; and then can [we] speak with the tongue of angels.”

That’s for everyone who chooses baptism.

Everyone.

Then-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once told us that 👨🏻‍🎓 “always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.”

Aaronic Priesthood? Look at me. You’ve been promised angels.

Relief Society? You have been promised angels.

Missionaries. You have been promised angels.

Every single person who has decided to be baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Each and every one of you has been promised angels.

I have been promised angels.

We may never go out into the Pennsylvania woods and see John the Baptist, but we have been promised angels. And the difference between reading those words and saying okay sure I believe it could be, and having faith that our God will send angels, is in what we do. So let’s “live up to our privileges,” whether that’s leaving home for two years to serve in a place like Berkeley, or bringing meals to someone holding a new baby, or blessing the sacrament for some old guy who maybe thinks I’m a girl; let’s go out—and let’s take those angels with us on our holy errands.

This is what the Restoration is all about—bringing the divine into other’s lives. ||

Our Heavenly Parents love us. || Our Brother and Savior loves us. || We are surrounded by angels. || And we have each other. ||

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

 

 

previous svithe here

previous svithe on thubstack 

 

Sources:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1998/10/the-aaronic-priesthood-and-the-sacrament?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/the-ministry-of-angels?lang=eng#title1

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-joseph-smith/chapter-39?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/31?lang=eng&id=13-14#p13

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84?lang=eng&id=p88#p88

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/pgp/js-h/1?lang=eng

https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1026&context=mormonhistory