Generally, things go wrong the same way in my life

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I've just noticed that many of the lowest moments of my life share one thing in common and it makes me wonder if I brought these low points upon myself. Tell me what you think:

When I was sent to the principal's office

My friend Jon dropped him pencil during a test and it rolled under my desk, so I leaned over it to pick it up and hand it to him. My teacher saw this and came over to ask if I was cheating. So I stabbed her.


Receiving an incomplete in AP Lit my final semester of high school

I had been sick for most of May and when I came back, I was struggling to read Riddley Walker and process it and write a decent paper about it. When Mr Richards, ten days before graduation, suggested that I rewrite the conclusion to match my thesis, I stabbed him.


Getting stranded in Baker, Calif. in the middle of the summer

One time my roommate and I decided to skip Friday classes, hop in his car, and spend the weekend in L.A. We stopped to have some of that famous Mad Greek food. My roommate had watched Zorba the Greek as part of his film class and so he made a comment about the poster next to our table. The cute waitress and he then talked about their favorite parts. I listened for a while, then stabbed them.


Failing my renewal license test

I had too many tickets to just renew my license by mail, so I had to go into the DMV and take a driving test. I did the three-point turn and the backing up and the merge and everything. I was doing very well, the guy said. On our way back he patted my dashboard and said he was happy to see classics like this still on the road. I knew what he meant. So I stabbed him.


Sleeping on the couch for two full weeks

She'd burnt the toast three mornings in a row. Of course I stabbed her.


Ear infection

A gnat flew into my ear. It tickled so I stabbed it.


Online gossip rags

Just because Barbara Boxer's my senator or related to the Clintons doesn't mean I'm going to let her kiss my baby.