From the mouths of no-longer-babes

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I don't like playing with kindergarteners.

They don't know how to play games.

They only know how to play Candy Land and Xbox.


note: this has been hanging around since 6.13 for me to put it up; now seemed as good a time as any

Gimme m'Moonps

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I don't listen to music all that loudly anymore. You won't catch me yelling along. I don't scream down the freeway at unholy speeds because of the cd I put on in the car.

Or not until two Mondays ago.

Two Mondays ago I found out why:

It's because I haven't been listening to Moonpools & Caterpillars.

For those of you who missed one of the greatest rock bands of all time, let me introduce you to them as I was introduced to them.

It was the summer of '95. I was a newly jobless near-missionary visiting two old high school friends who had fled home for San Diego. Their apartment was split level and they were both bigtime computer guys with only two computers. So sometimes I was left with little to do.

During one of these times, I was downstairs alone, rolling through the radio. I had settled on one, then a song came on the radio. A song like none I had ever heard before. A song that effected me in a way no song ever had before.

I danced.

I threw myself into the music and when it ended, I was exhausted.

I haunted the radio the rest of my time there and heard the song once more and IDed the band.

Shortly thereafer, I bought the album on cassette. For my brother's birthday, but our music collections were pretty communal, so no altruism need be suspected.

Moonpools & Caterpillars made it so I could not drive under 85mph. Moonpools & Caterpillars made me hoarse.

Just a couple weeks ago, I saw the video for the first time ever. Here's the song, with its perfect video: bright colors, Kimi in a dress, summer sunshine. Perfect. Click on it. I'm not going anywhere.

This song pretty much single-handedly defined rock and roll for me. It should be sung by a girl. Her voice should be able to do anything (I guarantee you've never heard scatting like this). It should be melodic and fun. And it should ROCK.

When I returned home from my mission and for some reason could only listen to Korean music like Juju Club and Pipi Band, the only American band I could stomach was the Moonps.

In fact, my first cd purchase in America ever was probably the Moonps' 12 Songs, which was released independently (Elektra dropped them after their first cd) and which I had to buy through the mail and which I spent more on than I had ever imagined I could spend on a single album. But it was worth it.

After 12 Songs, the band broke up. They had agreed that if they didn't make it big, they would be adults and break up and get real jobs. At the time, I really respected that. Now I just miss them. And sorta consider them a bad example for us starving artist sorts....

The Moonps sound is large and loud and fast and fun and friendly and happy and good-natured and neighborly and contagious and goofy and joyous and delightful and just plain wonderful and why oh why oh why oh didn't they make it huge is a hard question to answer, but I'll give it a stab.

One: Girl singer.

Hard as it is to believe, there has been a radio prejudice against women in rock. I think that's mostly gone now, but when the Moonps released their first single, Tori Amos sure couldn't be sure her next song would get any play, and Alanis and Sarah McLachlan hadn't even happened yet.

Two: Too much fun.

As I now know, Kimi looks every bit as goofy as I must have when I was dancing along. Most people want their rock stars mythic, not silly. Most people are idiots.

But really, I just can't fathom it. "Colossal Youth" is a song every heady teenage band should want to cover. And they would!--if they'd ever heard it.

So: three albums:

THE PINK ALBUM: This is an album recorded at Whisky a Go Go in LA--a place where great bands play. The Doors for instance. They had become favorites there, so they recorded a live album there which would eventually attract major label attention and snag them a record deal.

It's also legendary and almost never heard by Moonps fans because it is impossible to find. Until now.

I've been searching for this album for years. A lot of them. Imagine.....being Master Fob and knowing there's a live Fugees album out there somewhere if only you could find it. Or, say, what if the Beatles had recorded a set in Berlin that everyone knew existed but no one could find or listen to?

Frustrating thought, init?

But two Mondays ago, I found that Berlin set.

On a German website, I found an email address to a fellow who said he had the Pink Album. I emailed him, and he emailed it to me.

Glory be.

For the record, I am very anti stealing music. But in this case a) there is no other way to get this record; b) at one time, Moonps uberfan had the Moonps' permission to give away their first and last albums free on his website. In those days, I didn't know what mp3s where, really, and the website disappeared before I decided to download them anyway for future use. Idiot that I was.

But assuming the Moonps are still okay with people giving away copies of the Pink Album, I will give to anyone who wants it--regular readers, people who, like me, are scouring the Internet looking for it--anyone. Write me at the address in the sidebar and I will send it your way.

That last paragraph gives away the secret as to why this post is so much longer than my average length: part of my audience is not my regular readers, but Googlers who will be coming by in the coming months and years on what they believe to be an endless quest to sample the Pink.

(Note: if Kimi, Jay Jay, Tim or Gugut write me or comment and ask me not to give the pink away free, I will stop immediately, so sorry. It's still theirs, and if they don't want me to give it away, I won't. But I will suggest back they put the album up for sale on iTunes or something.)

So how is this album? It's great. I wasn't expecting a lot: Live album, self-produced, bar setting.... How good could it be? But the recording is crisp and clear (a little less so with Kimi's vocals, but nothing so bad). It's a delight to hear classic songs I've long loved live, to (I think) catch Kimi screw a line up, to hear Jay Jay noodle around a bit with his geetar. But of course the best parts are the songs I've never heard before.

And for the last two weeks, one song or another has been playing on my internal jukebox. Ask me! Am I singing "Koo Koo Koo" now? "Trampling Rose"? Which song are you singing now, Theric?

(Note: You people stopping by looking for the Pink Album, be aware--my copy isn't perfect--sounds like the original cd's track eight was scratched. If you have a better copy, please send it along!)

LUCKY DUMPLING: You don't have to look hard on the world wide web to find rapturous reviews of this album. You also don't have to look hard to find the tracks for sell or the album cheap. No problem. You can do this on your own.

12 SONGS: This album is every bit the equal of its much lauded predecessor. With a bit of effort, you can find the mp3s online and I've even just learned that the actual physical cd is available at Pinoymall, which is an exciting development for Moonps fans. This cd was released at their last show and was originally only available for a short time--until the press ran out. And then they were no more.

Yeah, I heard something about a coming-back-together as Guava, but I have no idea if there's any truth to that. I heard Kimi was making clothes and ran a boutique in LA. I don't know where they are. Wish I did. Because they were great. If they're ever in the Bay Area and need a place to crash, I got couches.

Moonpools & Caterpillars?

I miss you.

Send the Big O to College

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There's a new shirt design up at the Thtore (remember! all Thtore designs are limited-time-only!), and this one is special.

The design this new shirt sports was crafted by the Big O himself, three years old and already cutting edge. Lady Steed has been begging me to put it on a shirt for weeks.

We priced this shirt at $21.00, which means for every shirt sold, we get a a profit of $2.01. All of that money is going to the Big O's college fund. Given the likely cost of college in 15 years, this means we need to sell approximately 200,000 tshirts. Actually, considering that his parents will be investing this money for him, better make that 250,000.

Available in men's, women's and kids' sizes.

The quoting-others-and-asking-questions svithe

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PAPA above!
..............Regard a Mouse
O’erpowered by the Cat;
Reserve within thy Kingdom
A “mansion” for the Rat!

Sung in seraphic cupboards
To nibble all the day,
While unsuspecting cycles
Wheel pompously away.

...........................Emily Dickinson

Question one: If this were Theric's svithe, what would he be trying to say?

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Question two: If this were your svithe, what would this album cover be used to illustrate?

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He hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth. He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities.

He was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Question three: Why not Isaiah?

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There are those," continued the
stranger (and for the first time she saw
that he was of a noble presence, that his
gentle, child-like eyes could also command),"
whose Better Self lies slain by
their own hand and troubles them no
more. But yours, my child, you have
let grow too strong; it will ever be your
master. You must obey. Flee from it
and it will follow you ; you cannot escape
it. Insult it and it will chastise you with
burning shame, with stinging self-
reproach from day to day." The sternness
faded from the beautiful face, the
tenderness crept back. He laid his hand
upon the young girl's shoulder." You
will marry your lover," he smiled."
With him you will walk the way of
sunlight and of shadow."

And the girl, looking up into the
strong, calm face, knew that it would be
so, that the power of resisting her Better
Self had passed away from her for ever. "
Now," said the stranger, " come to
the door with me. Leave-takings are
but wasted sadness. Let me pass out
quietly. Close the door softly behind
me."

She thought that perhaps he would
turn his face again, but she saw no more
of him than the odd roundness of his
back under the tightly buttoned coat, before
he faded into the gathering fog.

Then softly she closed the door.

...........................from the short-story version of Jerome K Jerome's "The Passing of the Third Floor Back"

Question four: Why can't a funny guy write something serious now and then?

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I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center. And now, if ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth and give heed unto it that ye might walk uprightly before God, then ye would not murmur because of the truth, and say: Thou speakest hard things against us.

Question five: Heh heh heh. Thanks, Nephi, for demonstrating my point in sort of an opposite way.

Um....you were kidding, right?

last week's svithe

The Placenta Blues

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If you haven't read Lady Steed's post on this subject, you may want to do that first.

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I'm serious. Read hers first.

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While we're waiting for them to get back, here's a picture of a newt I found this morning while I was digging a hole:



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So this is the hole I mentioned above. I dug it this morning in order to bury the placenta that's been hanging out in the fridge the last couple weeks, taking up room that could otherwise have been filled with cookie dough or steak.

I dug all the way down to water level--a visual on that in a minute. First, let's check out that placenta:




Obviously we can't bury it like that. Let's open that sucker up. Lady Steed?




Isn't that cute? But what we really need is a closeup.

ZOOM IN!!!!!




Now that's what a placenta is supposed to look like! Did you click on it? Did you see it done large? Isn't it adorable?

Anyway, placenta. What do you do with a placenta? Because the sad truth is, no placenta has ever gotten into Harvard. Not one! In the four-hundred-plus years of its history!

After some conference together as a family, we decided the placenta could most likely find satisfaction as it always had: By delivering nutrition and life.

Only this time to a rose.

Thus the hole.

Let's throw it in:

Splash! Did you see it strike the groundwater? And did you check out that rich, red blood? Awesome.

We had better get another extreme closeup of it, this time lying in Mother Earth's juices:





Yeah. That's pretty much the greatest photo ever. Lady Steed took most of these, but I took that one. (Thanks.)

Time to show the burial:

Yes, our wee one wept at the loss of his longtime friend, companion, compatriot.

Aieeee!!!!! Placenta!!!!!

Anyway, the rose was glad for the company, and thanked me repeatedly as I planted it atop this nutritious bundle of joy:





And, all completed, our son and our plant found peace in their common heritage:






Now. Don't you wish you'd read Lady Steed's post first?

A selection from the new Proust translation Babel Fish and I are working on together:

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A delicious pleasure had invaded me, insulated, without the concept of its cause. It me had at once returned the vicissitudes of the life indifferent, its disasters inoffensive, its illusory brevity, in the same way which the love operates, by filling me of an invaluable gasoline: or rather this gasoline was not in me, it was me.

What you need to know RIGHT NOW

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1. Th'kankin to be pulled on Friday. Buy now or forever hold your peace.

2. "The Widower" now online.

Click here!
Read!
Comment!
Enjoy!

3. Evil is afoot.

I can't say more now, but before the sun sets, make sure you have done the following:

• Check your bank accounts for mysterious influxes of spare change.


• Eat at least two heads of garlic (five, if you use Chinese garlic).


• Tuck your children in, and instruct them in the proper care and use of a Luger.


• Pray.

- - - e n d - - -

Spencer W Kimball helped with this very Mormon svithe

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I know that grammar is proof of intelligence....

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Testimony meetings are some of the best meetings in the [Church] in the whole month, if you have the spirit. If you are bored at a testimony meeting, there is something the matter with you, and not the other people. You can get up and bear your testimony and you think it is the best meeting in the month; but if you sit there and count the grammatical errors and laugh at the man who can’t speak very well, you’ll be bored . . . .

Boredom is an inborn state. Boredom is a reflection only of the person being bored. Don't you find it so? I'm never bored. Never. Not that boring people are bad!

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And I really think it's good to, um, be nice to people?

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“I know it is true.” Because those few words have been said a billion times by millions of people does not make it trite. It will never be worn out. I feel sorry for people who try to couch it in other words, because there are no words like “I know.” There are no words which express the deep feelings which can come from the human heart like “I know.”

It's a brave thing to claim knowledge. I'm iffy about claiming to know who the second president of the United States was. I think I know. I'm pretty sure, in fact. I would be really surprised if I was wrong. But what if I am wrong? What then? What is the worth of my soul then?

I think I know exactly how you [feel], for I went through the same experience in my mission. I wanted to be very honest with myself and with the program and with the Lord. For a time I couched my words carefully to try to build up others without actually committing myself to a positive, unequivocal statement that I knew. I felt a little hesitant about it, too, for when I was in tune and doing my duty I felt the Spirit. I really wanted to say that which I really felt, that I knew, but I was reticent. When I approached a positive declaration, it frightened me and yet when I was wholly in tune and spiritually inspired, I wanted to testify. I thought I was being honest, very honest, but then I decided that I was fooling myself . . . . While you were in the Spirit . . . you felt it deeply, but after you were 'out of the Spirit' and began to reason with yourself and check yourself and question yourself, you wanted to back out . . . . I have no question in my mind of your testimony. I am sure that you (like I did) have countless golden threads of testimony all through your being only waiting for the hand of the Master Weaver to assemble and weave them into a tapestry of exquisite and perfect design.

Yeah, it seems like testimony fluctuates according to how well and how often I express it. It never dies, exactly, but--

[A testimony] is a little like a rose. Just keep the rain off it; just keep the irrigation water off it for a little while and what happens to your rose? It dies. Your testimony dies. Your love dies. Everything has to be fed. You feed your body three times a day. The Lord says to keep your testimony, to keep your spirit alive, you have to feed it every day . . . .

That reminds me of something President Lee said.

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I know my wife is totally hot

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A testimony is not an exhortation; a testimony is not a sermon (none of you are there to exhort the rest); it is not a travelogue. You are there to bear your own witness. It is amazing what you can say in 60 seconds by way of testimony, or 120, or 240, or whatever time you are given, if you confine yourselves to testimony. We’d like to know how you feel.

But there's nothing to that! There's no artistry! There's not room for surprise!

Some of our good people get so terrified at triteness that they try to steer around and away from their testimonies by getting out on the fringes. Don’t you ever worry about triteness in testimony. When the President of the Church bears his testimony, he says, "I know that Joseph Smith was called of God, a divine representative. I know that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God." You see, the same thing every one of you says. That is a testimony. It never gets old, never gets old! Tell the Lord frequently how much you love him.

But there's nothing to that! What good does duh do anyone? I can do better than that!

You know this testimony is a tremendous thing, a most important thing. Any minister or priest can quote scripture and present dialogues. But not every priest or minister can bear his testimony. Don't you sit there in your fast meeting and cheat yourself and say, "I guess I won’t bear my testimony today. I guess that wouldn’t be fair to these other members because I have had so many opportunities." You bear your testimony. And one minute is long enough to bear it.

Really?

Every month the First Presidency and the Twelve meet with all the General Authorities in the temple. They bear testimony and they tell each other how they love one another just like all of you. Why do the General Authorities need a testimony meeting? The same reason that you need a testimony meeting. Do you think that you can go three, and six, and nine, and twelve months without bearing your testimony and still keep its full value?

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I thank thee oh God that I have a testimony and am all set, good to go

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The Lord says in the 60th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, “With some I am not well pleased for they will not open their mouths” (D&C 60:2). What does he mean? He says that if they do not use it, they will lose what he has given them. They lose their spirit. They lose their testimony. And this priceless thing that you have can slip right out of your life.

I wouldn't let that happen--

Don’t forget it! You have to fight for a testimony. You have to keep fighting!

But I'm a lover, not a fighter. Haha!

What are you going to do with your testimony? Are you going to keep it sharpened like the knife with which our mothers cut the meat? Are you going to let it get dull and rusty?

Um....

You have a testimony! It needs building and lifting and enlarging, of course; and that is what you are doing. Every time you bear your testimony it becomes strengthened.

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So.... I know that Jesus loves me and that if we follow the teachings of the Bible and the Book of Mormon and President Hinckley, we will have the Holy Ghost with us and we'll be able to take full advantage of the Atonement and if all you schmucks out there----

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Just tell how you feel inside. That is the testimony. The moment you begin preaching to others, your testimony ended. Just tell us how you feel . . . .

I feel good.

previous svithe

Thvlog III: How to create an Earth

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buy the soundtrack

Tonight's Can't Miss

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I haven't been plugging Unity08 as intended, but I can think of no better introduction to any subject matter than to watch it on The Colbert Report.

On Reading

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Theric used to drive his fourth-grade teacher Mr C crazy with his reading in class: reading, reading, reading, always reading. To hear Theric’s parents tell it, what put Mr C into hystherics was that he could never catch Theric not paying attention. Theric would be 15 minutes deep into The Hardy Boys of Reptiles Do the Strangest Things and Mr C would ask him a question and Theric would give the right answer.

Theric’s wife would sure like it if this were still true.

Somehow, as he grew, Theric’s manner of reading changed, and now when he reads, he can’t follow along in class at the same time. Let’s just assume that’s because the classes are more stimulating, shall we?

For a completely opposite story, around the same age, Theric’s parents left him home alone, and asked his aunt Bats to check on him while they were out. She called. And called. The phone rang. And rang. Nothing.

Aunt Bats drove over and knocked on the front door.

Nothing.

She looked through the front window.

There sat Theric, reading a book.

She tapped on the window.

Nothing.

She came in through the back door to check on a couple other things while she was there.

Theric never knew.

This is another channel of readering that Theric can no longer access.

When Theric was a kid, he would never interrupt his reading till he reached the end of a chapter. Now, when life intrudes, Theric can stop mid sentence. He is an adult. He can prioritize.

Ah, to be a child.

Briefly:

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If you haven't read any thnews lately, then you are probably missing out. Grievously.

Regarding the new baby: The first time Lady Steed ever tried to change his diaper coincided with the first time the new baby ever peed. As it ended up, all over her.

Tired? What a coinkydink! said the uncomfortably friendly internet acquaintance. So am I!

"The Widower"

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Perhaps the most beloved story I have ever written (it's the only one my wife even remembers, for instance) is now available online from Dialogue Paperless. Read it! Comment on it! Show Dialogue how much you love me!

Business

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FIRST:

Please note the new addition to the "Now Online" section to your left. "Chores" is a poem I wrote on a lark while I was supposed to be enriching young minds with, I don't know, wisdom or something. The deal was, you write a poem beginning "My Sweetie wears" and if they like it, they give you money. I was mentioned honorably and got a buck. So, yeah: I'm pretty awesome.

SECOND:

We had a baby. And so far, he and the Big O seem to be getting along swimmingly, as evidenced by this photo taken the same day he was born:

THIRD:

Midweek Makeup Svithe #1: Moments of quiet


No, the title is not intended to be ironic, and really, though I covet physical quiet always, what I actually mean to refer to is, mm, soul quiet. The moments where this mortal realm fades away and we are left alone with silence and spirit.

Those moments are lovely, aren't they? And so hard to come by.

Of course, if they are rare, I have no one to blame but myself. God doesn't get to busy for me. And he would have much better excuses, I'm sure.

I find it curious that a state that involves kicking out such things as geography is so closely tied to geography. I find it easier to draw closer to God in the woods or in a temple than, say, BART. Sometimes I wonder how much of that is just me and my weaknesses. But even if it is 100% me, God anticipated that weakness: the scriptures are replete with examples of prophets having profound experiences on mountains, in forests, in wildernesses, at temples---not so many recorded instances of theophanies on public transit.

So at least I'm normal.

previous svithe

FOURTH:

As I was holding the baby, less than an hour old, in labor and delivery as the midwife and nurse helped Lady Steed, I caught myself singing what may well have been his first song (track 14).

Calling myself to repentence

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So this is the second Sunday I've missed svithing after zero misses ever and so I suck.

But on the not-sucking side, I killed a rat today. I stomped on it in my slippers.

So you have that and a couple mid-week make-up svithes to look forward to.

And baby anecdotes.

And instructions on how to create your own world (not a svithe).

Keep in touch!

Pictures

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Lady Steed has 'em.



And let's just give her some credit for soldiering drugfree through what everyone agreed was a brutal labor. She's amazing.

Thvlog II: Fearsome Footage of Ghost Hat

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Hey! John Lasseter! Where's that job for me?

So. I love animation. And this is my first. Woot. Also, I used blogger in draft for the top copy of the video.

NOTE: speaking of
disappearing, if
this thvlog is
followed by an
absence of posts,
it's probably not
due to committal
to an institution
caused by scary
sights, but due
to the birth of
Thteed Baby #2.
Thanks for
understanding.

What's new at the Thtore

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Since Coke's cut me down, I have replaced my anticapitalist shirt with this fitted men's and women's bearing this image:



Girls! Get it in pink!

Men! Be like Edgy and wear it with pride!




NOTE: speaking of
pride, if this
post is followed
by a long gap in
posting, it may
well be because
are off having a
baby in the
hospital. Just so
you don't think
I'm slackin'.

Fair Use

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Well, I have officially joined the Forces of Evil friends. You will be shocked and appalled to learn that I have, single-handedly, nearly destroyed Coca-Cola's global empire by infringing upon their trademark. Behold!

Dear Shopkeeper,

Thank you for using CafePress.com!

In accordance with our Intellectual Property Rights Policy, Bradley A. Slutsky on behalf of The Coca-Cola Company, provided us with a notice stating that your use of the Coca-Cola trademarks, including those similar to "Enjoy Coca-Cola" and the "dynamic ribbon device" infringes upon their intellectual property rights (copyright/trademark). Please click here to for more information about intellectual property.

Accordingly, we have set the content that is alleged to infringe the rights of the third party to “pending status” which disables said content from being displayed in your shop or purchased by the public. You may review the content set to pending status by logging into your CafePress.com account and clicking on the “Media Basket” link. The content set to pending status will be highlighted red.

If you believe that you hold the rights to the content alleged to infringe the rights of the third party, we encourage you to contact the alleged rights holder directly for a resolution to this matter. Below please find the contact information for the party alleging infringement.

Bradley A. Slutsky
King & Spalding LLP
1180 Peachtree Street, N.E.
Atlanta, Georgia 30309-3521
404.572.3536
bslutsky@kslaw.com

We apologize for any inconvenience that our actions may cause you. Please let us know if we can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,

Lindsay Estes
Content Usage Associate

(650) 655-3047 (O)
(650) 240-0260 (F)

My flagrant violation of Holy Intellectual Property Rights?

These:


I wish I had the time energy and money to make a big deal about this, because it's ridiculous and a completely winnable case. And by making a big deal about it, I could sell a lot more of these shirts than I have so far. (Which, for the record, is zero.) As it is, I will probably go ahead and start up a store with one of CafePress's competitors and sell it there. Just give me a couple weeks.




NOTE: speaking of
big deals, if this
post is followed by
a bunch of silence,
it's probably not
Coke, but the birth
of our child keeping
me away from our
machine. All the same,
alert Homeland
Security. Thanks.

Ninth Five Books of 2007

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This edition of Five Books is a little unusual. Since deciding to enter all our books into LibraryThing, I have become overwhelmed by the vast number of books I still have not yet finished reading. So, for a while, I am intending not to start anything new. This resolve may not be bulletproof, but so far so good. ¶ One result of this resolve is that rather than being a bit of book review only, these notes on books will be slices of Thteed life, taking us back into the history of the book finished and of my reading of it. ¶ You might take especial notice of how long I've been working on these books before finally making it to the end. Poor things have really been kept hanging....

NOTE: speaking of
taking a long time,
if you notice that
this blog has not
been updated for a
long time, it is
likely because dear
Lady Steed is giving
birth. So just thank
your lucky stars this
post is really five
in one. Thank you.

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45) First Paragraphs: Inspired Openings for Writers and Readers by Donald Newlove, finished June 12

Let me start by saying I hate this book. The reason it took me over a decade to finish is because I hate it. Keep that in mind and let it color everything else I say. I hate Newlove's voice. Even after he manages a couple pages of great stuff, he goes and spoils it with some inane comment. He's the guy at parties you're desperate to avoid. Among other sins, he's pretentious, elitist and, well, just annoying. And this book, which is supposed to be filled with first paragraphs "written on Olympus," quoted very few openings that made me want to read the book. I was sold this book by clever book-club ad copy and began reading this "Handbook for the Soul" before my mission. I added a page or two here and there in the following years. A few months ago I recommended Mr. Fob check out the book's form out, warning him not to actually read it, however, and attempted to scare him off with terms like "barely readable" and "unreadable self-important nonesuch". This finish-books-already-started thing gave me motivation to finally get this albatross off me and into the sea, and I'm glad to be done with it. And although I still don't like the book, my hatred for it has lessened somewhat. I even tried rereading the first ten pages earlier today in a show of good faith, but no: couldn't handle it. So even if you won't take as long as I did, still: don't read it. Your soul deserves a better handbook.
about twelve years, possibly more

44) The Universe in a Nutshell by Stephen Hawking, finished June 11

I'm not quite sure why I interrupted my reading of this book a few years ago. Perhaps it got lost in a move. Perhaps it had to do with the Big O's birth. Perhaps I suddenly turned stupid. I'm not sure. But whatever the reason, I finally picked it back up a couple weeks ago and have now finished it. Stephen Hawking is a character. It's impossible to read this book and not wonder what he is really like. Also: the line on particle accelerators in the last chapter is classic. I'm no physicist (alas), so I don't hold strong opinions on the theories presented in this book. I can follow the logic while I read the chapter, but as soon as I close it, I'm no wiser than I'd been thirty minutes earlier. But even so, I must say this: reading about hifalutin science like this is always a religious experience for me. There is no theory, no matter how self-evident or crazily impossible-seeming which does not mesh nicely with my understanding of God. I'm amazed by people who gleefully proclaim or hysterically stress that science is out to disprove deity. It's silly. As one hotshot scientist from earlier this century wrote, "Is there any conflict between science and religion? There is no conflict in the mind of God, but often there is conflict in the minds of men." I say let's just enjoy the beauty of an amazing world. You don't need a degree in math for that.
as many as six years

43) Dune by Frank Herbert, finished June 9

We have a first edition copy of Dune Lady Steed's mother picked up at a library sale once long ago, and I had been meaning to read it, but not until my book club picked it last November did I finally take the chance on it. So I read it last November. Yes. But I didn't finish the appendices until early, early this morning. My main response to Dune is one of wonder: like Lord of the Rings, it's great achievement is in building a world so completely and from scratch. I feel that any god could make Dune or Middle-earth without any difficulty, just using novels picked up at any used book store. And I consider that an achievement worth achieving all in its well-achieved self. Way to achieve, guys! As for story, Dune is strong as well. For a hefty book (about five hundred pages) full of philosophy and chapter headings that give all sorts of major plot points away, it is a surprising swift and thrilling read. And, again, I think it comes down to the fullness of its world's creation. Like reading excellent historical fiction, for instance. There are fair criticisms that could be made of Dune, but they are not so substantial that I could ever recommend you not read the book for yourself. Go ahead. The worms won't hurt you....
seven, seven-plus months

42) The Gifts of the Jews: How a Tribe of Desert Nomads Changed the Way Everyone Thinks and Feels by Thomas Cahill, finished June 8

I read the first volume in Cahill's Hinges of History series when it was still only in hard back. That book, How the Irish Saved Civilization, tells the story of Irish monks and how their efforts prevented all the wisdom of the past being sucked into the Toilet of Time. I loved that book so much that I picked up The Gifts of the Jews when it was fresh off the presses--one of only a handful of books I have ever bought spankin' new in hardback. I read under fifty pages and was so irritated by it I put it down and didn't pick it up again until the Fobs were visiting us and we were all hanging around reading books off our shelves. I picked it up and finished the first chapter. Which consisted of a lurid and nightmarish ritual orgy somewhere in Sumer. Which was pretty cool, sure, but the book went back on the shelf until last week when I finally pulled it off and finished it, lickety-split. When I started reading it again in earnest, it was from the perspective of annoyance I had a decade ago, when my opinions on faith were different than they are now. Somehow (I'm not even sure which passages now) I got the idea that Cahill was dismissing faith in YHWH as silly and unscientific and I was offended by that. Reading the book now, later, I have no idea where I got that notion. Sure the book is "scientific" and not a strict literalist's friend, but it's fantastic. Cahill's thesis, in summary, is this: Before the Jews, all societies viewed time as a circle. No beginning, no end. Anything of note was a gift of the Gods from time out of mind. Then came Abraham, who spoke with a God unconstrained by mortal comprehension, who told him to go forth, that his seed would become a mighty nation. And with this first step, we have monotheism. We have a personal relationship with God. And if we have a personal relationship with God, we must be individuals. Individuals with individual destinies. In other words, everything we read in the Declaration of Independence, for instance. Or "justice". Or universal education. None of that was possible before Abraham met God. Obviously, there is much more to the book than that, but them's the barest bones. And I am wildly impressed by the book and love it dearly and am now anxious to pick up a copy of volume three (on Jesus), volume four (on the Greeks), volume five (on Europe's Middle Ages) and the last two volumes when they are released. Bring 'em on! I could very easily quote you a few hundred words from this book to try and explain why I like it so much, but I wouldn't want Random House to come after me or anything. So instead, hit the library. Read the last chapter. And see if you wouldn't like to know how we arrived there.
approximately nine years

41) The Roald Dahl Omnibus by Roald Dahl, finished June 6

Truly remarkable that it has taken me most of seven years to finish this book! It may well be the first book mutually purchased for our mutual library after our marriage, purchased fall 2000 off the Bargain Books display at the Orem Barnes & Noble. I began devouring the book immediately. Dahl is an important writer in my life--two of the stories here ("Lamb" and "Taste"), read previously, are hugely important to my personal history--and I was loving each page. Lady Steed started reading it concurrently, then somehow she took the lead, then somehow she finished it and wanted to talk about the last story, but I kept getting stuck on the couple overlong, overdull entries, and finally the book was put aside, not picked up again until just this past week. I ripped through the final four stories and loved the journey and now this books is finally through. Ah, Dahl! What should we say of him? If ever Dahl comes up, my friend RC will immediately describe him as "twisted", twisting the word itself as he says it. And the delight he puts into torturing the word says it all. As anyone who's read Revolting Rhymes can tell you, the man is indeed "twisted"--really, can you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory without feeling at least a little bit insane? But the madness of reading Charlie or James is a very different beast than reading the dark madness of "Royal Jelly" or the casual evil madness of "Bitch" or the anti-literary science-fiction madness of "The Great Automatic Grammatisator"; Dahl for grownups ratchets things up in unexpected way, so that a delightful gag like "The Champion of the World" nestles snuggly up to the sneaky wife-swappery of "The Great Switcheroo". Don't expect children's stories, though they're every bit as great as his children's stories. Just get Dahl and expect great stories period. Otherwise, expect nothing. The man's hard to predict. (Incidentally, my bookmark for this volume has, all this time, been a ticket to Titan A.E.. We saw that crappy movie as part of a five-movie marathon at Movies 8. We were taking a day off from totally depressingly unsuccessful apartment hunting; newly married and if not for the kindly given extra room at my cousins the Sbooks, homeless. We watched ten hours of movies for five bucks. Not a bad deal. And we saw our first Woodie Allen film, which made the sore bottoms worth it. We've since seen many, many more.)
almost seven years

TOTAL: Thirty-five (35) years-----five more years than I've been alive.

Puhreviously

40) Troll: A Love Story by Johanna Sinisalo, finished May 31
39) The End by Lemony Snicket, finished May 23
38) The Complete Peanuts 1961-1962 by Charles M. Schultz, finished May 22
37) The Penultimate Peril by Lemony Snicket, finished May 21
36) The Grim Grotto by Lemony Snicket, finished May 18
035) The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde, finished May 15
034) Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, finished May 14
033) Chip Kidd: Book One: Work: 1986-2006 by Chip Kidd, finished May 9
032) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, finished May 7
031) The Complete Peanuts 1959-1960 by Charles M. Schulz, finished April 25
030) Devils & Demons edited by Marvin Kaye, finished April 23
029) Talk Talk Talk: Decoding the Mysteries of Speech by Jay Ingram, finished April 23
028) Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman, finished April 20
027) The Long Chalkboard: and Other Stories by Jennifer Allen and illustrated by Jules Feiffer, finished April 19
026) Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis, finished April 19
025) Frank by Jim Woodring, finished April 12
024) The Complete Concrete by Paul Chadwick, finished April 3
023) The Rumpelstiltskin Problem by Vivian Vande Velde, finished March 30
022) Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson, finished March 28
021) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller et al, finished March 23
020) A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers, finished March 16
019) Batman: Gothic by Grant Morrison et al, finished March 13
018) Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, finished March 7
017) Stink: The Incredible Shrinking Kid by Megan McDonald, finished March 7
016) 50 Professional Scenes for Student Actors: A Collection of Short 2 Person Scenes by Garry Michael Kluger, finished March 6
015) Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda, finished March 5
014) Frindle by Andrew Clements, finished March 1
013) Brain Wave by Poul Anderson, finished February 27
012) The Best American Comics 2006 edited by Harvey Pekar and Anne Elizabeth Moore, finished February 26
011) Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, finished February 15
010) The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ edited by Mormon and Moroni, finished February 7
009) Lisey's Story by Stephen King, finished February 1
008) The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett, finished January 26
007) Empire by Orson Scott Card, finished January 24
006) Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, finished January 22
005) Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh, finished January 17
004) Superman Adventures Vol. 1: Up, Up and Away! by Mark Millar, finished January 16
003) A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson, finished January 12
002) Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud, finished January 11
001) Galápagos by Kurt Vonnegut, finished January 10

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