AI versus Shoes

 

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First, Allbirds. I’m sure you’re heard by now that the ten-year-old Kiwi company that became the it item in Silicon Valley on its way to becoming a four-billion-with-a-b-dollar company has fumbled its advantages into near-bankrupcy and their solution is:

To become an AI company.

I don’t want to get into the details because it’s all so stupid but if you know of better evidence we’re in a bubble than a failing footwear company putting AI in their name and short-term plans in order to boost stock value and stave off bankrupcy, please tell me about it. This is so peak. I don’t think I could make a joke funnier/sadder than this story.

Incidentally, it’s working. I’m not going to keep updating this paragraph as I work on this essay, but it leaped up 600% upon the announcement and is still 400% up even after some as-the-week-goes-on-and-the-jokes-pile-up attrition.

Anyway, if it walks like a bubble and swims like a bubble and quacks like a bubble, I’m sure it won’t pop like a bubble. You have nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile, in New York City, Rockport (recently acquired by the banal(ity of evil)-sounding Authentic Brands Group is having AI problems all its own. Brace yourself for some original reporting, friends.

First, know I’ve been wearing Rockports a good portion of the time since 1994 when the salesman at Sears who said he knew all about Mormon missionaries promised me that what I wanted on my feet was Rockports. I bought two identical pair and in two years of constant walking in South Korea returned home with them held together by black-sharpied Korean-green ductape. But they never failed me and treated my feet well to the end.

If you don’t know, this is what Rockport’s been all about since its founding in 1971. The shoes that argued that walking was a good way to spend your life. And you could look like a grownup doing it.

As I said, I’ve worn a lot of Rockports in my life since 1994. I’ll try other shoes but the balance of comfort and cost and look always eventually brought me back. When Trump announced his tarrifs a year ago, I made my first (somewhat panicked) purchase from Rockport’s actual website. I bought four pairs of shoes.

With that many shoes, naturally I never wear them two days in a row (you shouldn’t do that any way to shoes, if you can help it; they’ll survive more wearings if you let them air out between uses). If it were my goal, I could go a week without repeating shoes.

I’m shoe rich. I admit it.

Anyway, Tuesday I home home from school and, while taking off my boots, the heel rips off:

I suppose I should mention here that these are probably the least comfortable Rockports I’ve ever owned. And that my wife despises them, doesn’t like me to wear them if we go out together, and feels secondhand embarrassment whenever she sees me leave the house. Also, my fashionista teenager also thinks they look terrible. So they both see their destruction as no tragedy. I get what they’re saying and honestly I only bought them because they were on a crazy sale when I got them.

Anyway, I figured there was nothing to be done, but I reached via the email Rockport provides to see what they would say. Obviously, a well made pair of shoes shouldn’t do this 361 days after they were purchased.

Almost instantly I received a reply back:

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Hello Eric,

Thank you so much for reaching out and for providing the order information and photos. I’m truly sorry to hear about the issue with your Men’s Kevan Boot heel — that must be really disappointing, especially as a loyal Rockport customer.

We do not offer exchanges, but you can return the damaged boots for a refund to your original payment method. Please use our returns portal to start the process: https://rockport.happyreturns.com/. After your return is authorized, you’ll receive a prepaid shipping label or a QR code for a Happy Returns drop-off location. There is a $6.95 restocking fee for mail-in returns, but no fee if you return your item in person at a Happy Returns location.

If you would like to reorder the same item, we will match the original price if you place your new order within 30 days. Just reach out after your purchase and we’ll handle the price match for you!

Additionally, your case will be escalated to a specialist who will review it further to make sure everything is resolved.

Thank you again for your patience and loyalty. We’re here to make this right! 👍

Best regards,

AI

Customer Care Agent @ Rockport

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That sounded pretty good, actually. Thanks, Al! But then I remembered Al looks just like AI and so I coppied the signature and posted it into search and sure enough, this wasn’t an Albert or and Alfred but some silly LLM.

Which became even less surprising when I went to the provided link and was told my shoes were purchased too long ago to return.

I wrote back with one sentence: “The link you've provided tells me I am not allowed to return these shoes.” This time it took Rockport 14 hours to respond:

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Hi Eric,

Thank you for contacting Rockport, and for your long-time loyalty since 1994. We truly appreciate your continued support over the years.

I’m very sorry to hear about what happened with your Men’s Kevan Boot, purchased on April 13, 2025. I can understand how frustrating and disappointing it must have been to have the heel come off.

Our return policy covers unworn items within 30 days of delivery, and for quality-related concerns, we’re able to review items within 6 months of the purchase date. As your purchase from April 13, 2025 falls outside of this timeframe, we’re unfortunately unable to authorize a return, refund, or replacement.

While we’re unable to accept a return or offer store credit, on behalf of Rockport, I’m happy to offer you a 20% off coupon code as a courtesy for the inconvenience you experienced. This code is valid on both regular and sale merchandise available on our website. Please note that the coupon cannot be applied to existing orders and must be entered at checkout, as it cannot be applied retroactively.

Coupon Code: RP20

I truly appreciate your understanding. Please do not hesitate to reach out with any other questions or concerns.

Kind regards,

Charlene

Customer Care Agent @ Rockport

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I’m assuming Charlene’s a real person. No hard feelings, Charlene! I like to think if you worked for Rockport, you would have had more options to serve me. I think, had I known I was actually dealing with Authentic Brands Group, your response might have depressed me less. Largely because I would have already mourned the end of Rockport proper.

I really don’t mind that much that they won’t do anything about the shoes. A soulless corporation that buys up brands [and does whatever it then does] to maximize profits obviously isn’t going to do that much for a customer like me, but we’re here to complain about AI.

Here’s what really bugs me.

Their stupid AI agent screwed up. It never should have offered me the chance to return my shoes for a refund, but once it did, Authentic Brands Group should have honored it. (A lousy $28! Really!) Sure, they’re probably swimming in problems because they’re relying on AI but that’s their screwup.

I already suspected, after a year in my new Rockports, that quality has gone down. (Again: purchased by Authentic Brands Group in 2023.) The interior fabric on these boots was tearing off and some days I had to take the boots off a dozen time to shake out the bits of junk that were accumulating under my feet. Another of the pairs I purchased at the same time is looking like trash and I didn’t even start wearing those for probably four or five months after I purchased them because they’re a silly color and I had to get used to the idea. The quality of their shoes is down. I wasn’t sure I would stay loyal to Rockports when I next needed by buy shoes.

But now I see that the whole company is infested with termites. Product quality is compromised, customer service has been moved into a data center, and no one seems to have a plan to integrate integrity going forward.

Again: this is all anecdotal. These are simply my experiences over the last year.

But it’s one more data point suggesting that any company willing to employ an LLM to deal with any part of their business—production, customer-facing…—has probably lost its way.

When you live on a diet of hype and imagine future profits based on promised given you by other companies that live on a diet of hype, you’re not going to excel. Maybe you’ll do fine. Maybe we’ll all get so used to our enshittified world that we’ll happily welcome crap shoes where good shoes once walked. I hope not but until we eat the rich, probably.

Anway, this is two very different ways AI is impacting footwear disastrously.

Happy trails.