Rewrite(it's not just a song by Paul Simon)

 

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I had a poem drop last week on Wayfare. The only comment (to date) is from a poet whose work I have some familiarity with. It’s a fifty-percent compliment:

Lovely. Deft. “Little” is an unnecessary adjectival, leaning towards sentimental.

I appreciate the compliment.

I also appreciate the criticism. I think it’s fair, and since I get so little helpful feedback on my poetry, worth considering. The poem’s quite short, so allow me to reproduce it here:

A sacrament cup
falls under the bench
and a little child
unfolds it.

What if we do as he suggests?

A sacrament cup
falls under the bench
and a child
unfolds it.

Honestly? I don’t like it. It now demands a caesura after child in order to keep the pacing right, which nothing in the is asking for. I can hardly put a comma at the end of line three.

But can we follow his advice (removing little) while keeping the scansion? Maybe this:

A sacrament cup
falls under the bench.

A child
unfolds it.

This is better than the previous version, but is it better than the original?

The differences are subtle and their relative merits are debatable.

I think the original is still more fun to read. But this final version might in fact be an improvement in terms of grounded emotions.

Should it appear in a collection someday, which version to you prefer?