What's the big deal about...?


Rolexes: I have received as much spam for Rolexes (fake and "real") as anything else in my life. But why? Besides the fact that I haven't worn a watch in over ten years (or carried one in over five), can anyone really care so much about thousand-dollar watches? And if so, how? I couldn't care very much about such a thing if I spent a week in the desert preparing to care. Crazy.

Trader Joe's: Enormous numbers of people in my acquaintance shop exclusively (or near-exclusively) at Trader Joe's they overflow with love for its excellent products and shockingly low prices, neither of which I have been able to find. Maybe if I were a wine drinker I could get excited about Two-Buck Chuck, but I'm not. The salsa I bought was expensive and tasteless. Their produce is overpackaged and of the same quality as any other decent grocery store. The stores are small and packed with TJ cultists and are arranged illogically. I have tried and tried (now that I live within walking distance of one) to find these excellent and inexpensive products but I have failed and I have failed and I have failed. Trader Joe's is a worthless thing. Yet so many otherwise sane people I know and care for love the place. Crazy.

Fellini's 8½: What in the...? First, let me admit that the print I saw of 8½ was not that great. Possibly if I saw a version where the screen wasn't 98½% white 98½% of the time, I might feel differently. But I don't think so. It's a stupid movie. And this is coming from a guy who thinks Magical Mystery Tour and Ruben & Ed and The Hudsucker Proxy and Billy's Balloon and Rejected and Prometheus and many other films considered to strange for public consumption and wonderful and should be rewatched endlessly. Crazy.

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, she's charismatic. Yes, she gives away thousands and thousands of dollars of stuff to her devoted fans. Yes, she seems like a nice enough lady. But doesn't it bother you how much power she seems to be accruing to herself? Consider that about 10 million people watch her show everyday. Consider that a goodly percentage of those 10 million would happily take a bullet for her. Several bullets! Now imagine her putting on a uniform and declaring war on the government of the United States. Gives you chills, don't it? And you know, she could afford a nonparty presidential run. And once she was there, what's to stop her from.... Brrrr. And there would be nothing you or I could do. Crazy.

Lobster: Granted, I've never had lobster. Can't get that excited about the notion, frankly. What's to like? Sure, I might like it, but it weirds me out how some people's lives are not lived day to day or love to love or success to success, but lobster to lobster. What's that all about? Crazy.

Bloodstone: Obviously it's a great name and would make a man a Man. Yet some people don't care for it! Crazy.


  1. Argggg th.. Thar be the queries:

    Rolexes: Don't be knocking them else ye be trying them:

    Trader Joe's: Three Words: Trader Joe's hot sauce, scalliwag.

    Fellini's 8 1/2: What be Fellini's 8 1/2?

    Bloodstone: Thar be the booty.

    Lobster: Makes a pirat' proud to be a sloggin' through a plate o' Lobsters. Taste like chicken.

    Oprah Winfrey: Thar be the booty, mate; thar be the booty.


  2. Real pirates don't wear watches, unless they be booty.

    If yer son be named Bloodstone, ye better be preparred fer him ta be called Bloody. 'n' that be a hearrty pirate name. Shiver me timbers!

    Lobster be from the sea... 'n' nothin' from the sea be mangy. Avast me hearty mateys! Eat em up!

  3. I'd marry a lobster if I could.


    I mean, I love it so much, that if nothing better comes up for me, it's all about the lobster.

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  5. Wait. For the appropriate holiday that is today--I should have said "lobsta"....right?

  6. Top yer lobster with an unhealthy amount o' butter and garlic, and it becomes mighty delicious.

    I'm a fan o' th' watches that don't be costing more than $15 nowdays as they keep the time just as well, if their batteries be replaced occasionally.

    I was readin' up on Japanese bento lunches t'other day, and th' wench who was writin' the blog kept mentioning Trader Joe's...took me a mite to realize it was a store that sold frozen heat-and-eat and other foodstuffs.

    Oprah could well become Queen o' th' Pirates if she had a hankerin' to. Good thing she's against piratin' in all o' it's forms, or we'd be sunk.

    I'm not a mighty fan of namin' yer wee ones after rocks. I'm stuck in me ways of namin' names that're names and not words as well. 'n precious gems be makin' me think o' loot fer the ladies instead o' the Manliness of the Men. Crazy, I know.

  7. I heard just a moment ago that Trader Joe's carries Mochi Ice Cream. I had Mochi Ice Cream once. It is tasty, because it is ice-cream, and it can be eaten with your hands without them getting gross, because it is covered in Mochi. I recommend trying it sometime.

  8. Not going to talk like a pirate. To be honest, it stops being funny after eight comments... but Master Fob may get on here and prove me wrong because he wins the Funny Commenter of the Day award after his comment on Ambrosia's blog.

    I could talk about watches, but I don't know how to tactfully disclose that I am wearing a watch that costs more than a grand. I got it as a grad gift, and I guess the point is that my father's watch was a gift from his parents, so my parents wanted to give each of us a gift that would last a lifetime, too. So not that I would go out and buy an expensive watch, but I am glad to receive one from my parents (not a Rolex, but a Tag Hueur with real diamonds!).

    About TJ, as long as I'm talking about my parents, they buy their cashew butter. But I don't know how much it costs; I've never been inside a Trader Joe's.

  9. I think it's close enough to midnight to say Talk like a pirate day is done so:

    Re Oprah: Have you ever heard Kathy Griffin's schtick about her? Something along the lines of "If Oprah got a paper cut she'd be like 'Oh, look! stigmata!'" Funny stuff...

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  11. Oprah is Love Duck's "Home girl" even though they've never met and Oprah prolly has no idea Love Duck is even in existance. I would be scared if she did know.

    Personally, I don't like Oprah. Not that I hate her, but I don't like her. She just... bugs me in a minor way.

  12. Things I think you should have included:

    Facebook Live Feed
    Tibetan food
    The French and Indiana War

  13. I am afraid of Oprah.

    And I am also afraid of lobster - because I think eating lobster is like if the mermaids came to visit and ate our cockroaches. Ewww.

  14. Yesterday on NPR I heard that the first thing you want to avoid when talking/singing like a pirate is "arrrrgh." Sorry, Stupid.

    On watches: when I went to New York, I bought a "Rolex" from a guy in a park with a suitcase. He kept saying, "Watches? Watches, please? Good price! Watches?" So I got one and gave it to daltonboy for a wedding present. Unfortunately it broke after about three months, and none of the snobby watch places at University Mall will fix it.

    On Oprah: I just about passed out last month while standing in line at the grocery store and observing that she didn't have her face on the cover of her magazine for possibly the first time ever.

  15. I have one to add:

    What's the big deal about the BLOODY CSET Exam?

  16. Rolexes: I totally agree. A few K for a stupid watch? I think they're supposed to keep time exceptionally well and that includes expensive gems and such but frankly, as long as it keeps the time close enough and I don't have to reset it every other week, I don't care.

    Trader Joe's: I mostly agree. They have some cool products like Sparkling Blueberry Juice that I adore, but other than that, they're not that low of prices and the products I've tried (salsa was one) were not any better than anything else. In some cases (spinach and tomato pizza), worse. They have some fun beers too, though, like berry-flavored beer. If they're like the wine coolers I occasionally drink, I'd be all about that. Plus, barley's 'sposed to be good for you. I think. . .

    Fellini's 8 1/2: I've never heard of it. You reminded me that I need to see Hudsucker Proxy, though. Thanks!

    Oprah: She was cooler when she was of the working class and for the working class. Now she's all about the upper and middle-upper class and that's kinda boring. I'd prefer a lot of people to Bush, and Oprah'd be toward the top of that list. Have you seen the episode of The Boondocks where they try to kidnap her? It's pretty funny.

    Lobster: Another fishy food and therefore gross.

    Bloodstone: Not my favorite name, but if I had to name my first son either that or Beetlebanford, I'd choose Bloodstone.

  17. I hear that Trader Joe's has good frozen food. Haven't checked that rumor for myself yet, though.

  18. You seriously get the most spam for Rolexes?

    Wow. You must live a far more moral life than I do. Or be...ahem...better blessed...

  19. .


    It's so funny, feather, that you made that (now deleted) comment about Santa Barbara, because my TJ-worshipping brother and sister-in-law live there.

    Wonderful comments everyone, really. Truly excellent. I feel like we just had a blog party!

  20. Arg, me matey, tho' it narry be da day, I be 'n da moode. So I be typ'n en PIRATE t'day!

    Rolexes be good plunder, but like mos' perrty tings, dey aint be no good fur wearin'!

    TJ - I be having a raptor named TJ come Mellenium time.

    Fellini -- (cut scene to homestar runner...StrongMad's voice) "I can't spell you!"

    Bloodstone - Hardy! I be all fur et! Long live Bludstone, da wee Theetum!

    Lobster -- If der be aught what I can be seeing the line of intestinal track coming out the end with substances what be the opposite of clear or white. I be not partakin of the vitiuals.

    Oprah - I say we board 'er, loot 'er, and burn 'er to the ground!

  21. I know this is a late comment that nobody will read, but I thought of you, th., when I read the latest news about Oprah getting her own radio channel on satellite radio. Oprah talk radio ALL day and all night long.