Years ago, some students kept a list of funny things I said and gave them to me at the end of the year. In this era in which there must be hours of me floating around on Snapchat, the simple phenomena of someone making a list of things I said---which it one of the kindest gifts anyone could give an egoist such as myself, remains unrepeated.
These were given me by a kind soul from last semester (I can't explain all of them):
Lit Burns & Miscellaneous Quotes
"It's all fun and games until you're in an urn."
"YOPTRO---you only play the record once"
Thteed: "What's the legal definition of a genocide? How many people have to die?"
Student 1: "A lot."
"All good things come to an end. The universe... And this class."
"There are worms that live in bedsheets, and when you're lying flat they crawl out of your anus and lay their eggs and then crawl back in. And they fall off the bed and onto the floor, and they get into you by crawling into the soles of your feet and up the inside of your legs until they reach your digestive system and the circle of life begins again. And that's my sequel to The Lion King that Disney did not accept."
"When you get to the top of Mount Everest, there is so little oxygen that you're literally dying. You have to get to the top and get back down before you finish dying, or you're dead."
Student 1: "Hope is following your heart when your brain tells you no."
Student 2: "Like if you have a heart attack and your brain says 'stop dying' but you're like 'nope.'"
Thteed: "Your brain says 'wait for me let me catch up' and then you have a stroke at the same time."
"Mustard gas smells a little like... mustard. You know how mustard kind of burns your nose? It's like that but it kills you."
"We don't know what Vonnegut believes because we can't be inside his head, and even if we could we would find mostly worms because he's dead."
Student 1: "This essay would be a good back cover for the book."
Thteed: "Because it doesn't give anything away."
"Othello is a really good example of 'people should just talk to each other.'"
Student 3: "Maybe Troy is his own Trojan horse, destroying himself."
Thteed: "Well if he'd used a Trojan he wouldn't have this problem."