If people weren't so stupid, we wouldn't need these rules.

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In my next 5, I will review The Age of the Conglomerates by Thomas Nevins, but in the meantime, I want to share with all writers everywhere a few basic principles I learned from reading this book that all should apply:

Thou shalt figure out what thy story is about before thou starteth--or, if though dost not, at least go back and rewrite thy ignorance for pete's sake.

Thou shalt not have a character mope around thinking "What about this?" for a hundred pages and not let us readers in on what this is. That's a cheater's means to suspence and bad writing.

Thou shalt not treat obsolete technology as wowza 2048 innovations.

Thou shalt not try to impress with thy knowledge of New York City streets. I'm really sick of writers doing that.

Thou shalt not assign groups names just because seem cool; thous shalt instead be sure that the names are plausible first and cool second.

Thou shalt not overrely on temporary amnesia as an expositional device. OR far any reason, really.

Thou shalt not avoid obvious questions just because the answers screw up thine easiest plot paths.

Thou shalt not consider a clever idea a well formed idea until it is actually a well formed idea.

Thou shalt not have thy characters see amazing things and have them keep mentioning these amazing things without telling us what those amazing things are. (Corollary: Thou shalt know what amazing things thy characters see.)

Thou shalt not say thy characters know what they knoweth not.

Thou shalt not disregard the realities of anatomy.

Thou shalt remember that the future is in the future and part of the future's past is also in the future.

Thou shalt show and not tell. I mean seriously.

Thou shalt not disregard popular conventions just because thou art lazy.

Thou shalt not, every time thou switcheth scenes, give thy characters a tour of the house.

Thy characters shalt not remember things they never knew.

Thou shalt not create a technologically-advanced future society less advanced than our own.

get a jump and read the review now

Curse you, library!

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I have books enough of my own to read! And yet, when I stop by to drop off the last bunch you dealt me, what do you do but deal me a bunch more! How will I ever read the books in my own library when you keep tempting me with your NEW! shelves! I don't have time to read every book in the world, and the books I paid for should obviously be my priority, yet again and again you ply me with your wares and render helpless and overrun with tomes! Why? Why! What have I ever done to deserve you? I love you so much!

The Not-There-Yet Svithe

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when ye shall cast out the righteous from among you, then shall ye be ripe for destruction"

I'm glad to say that I don't think we're anywhere near "ripe for desctruction." Say what your will about McCain, Obama or Clinton, but at least they're not John Taylor Bowles, you know what I mean? And even he is not Hitler. (Sorry, Bowles, but you're not.) With Hitler we're getting close to ripeness. But even with Hitler, it wasn't like the Jaredites, anxious to completely destroy themselves, more willing to kill and die than live and let live. So for all the ballyhoo about x, y and z, we're doing okay. I'm sure of it.

And in proof that we are not cursed into slipperiness, I present three bits of evidence from the online world:

Wikipedia

No one gets anything material out of editing the comma splices out of the article on Marilyn Monroe. Yet millions are striving to get all the world's important knowledge available to all, for free. Just because it's a good thing to do. This speaks well of the inhabitants of our allegedly wicked world.

eBay

Think about it: we're choosing to trust people we've never met and will never meet. Isn't that amazing?

FreeRice

I know lots of kids even (of an allegedly devious generation!) who love playing FreeRice because it makes them smart and because they can help people. Tell me that isn't good news. It's not the same as wasting and wearing out your life, perhaps, but it's still a good thing, no? Evil will not reign in the next generation either.

IN CONCLUSION, things aren't so bad. People are still generally good. Let this comfort you.

You know, if you're totally freaking out now or something.

Note: if you're freaked out by this post, please recognize I didn't even proofread it -- I'm running behind schedule today.....

last week's svithe

Something I worry about:

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"I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country ... corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign ... until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed." - Abraham Lincoln

How much orange will it take?

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I'm thinking about-- No, more than
that. Way more. Well, sure, at
least. I don't think-- I sometimes
wonder if anyone listens to me. See
the thing is-- No, orange. Yeah,
that's what we've been-- Yes, this
whole time. Right. Orange. No,
still. Well, sure, I guess, why
not? That's it? Didn't you-- You
can do more than that. Well, how
much do you think it will take. That's
all? Well, maybe. If you're not trying
to impress anyone. Getting warmer.
Warmer. Warmer. Now you're talking.
Right. That looks good. Make it happen.

No, thank you.

Svithing chapter ten.....

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Recession Cone is teaching elders quorum this Sunday so I told him I'ld be sure to read the lesson this week (although, I have noticed, quorum instructors' plans are almost always based on the assumption that no one has read the lesson--which heavily affects the manner in which discussion is led).

Anyway, to motivate myself, I thought I would just provide glosses here on some key passages as this week's svithe. So!

If one man can live upon the revelations given to another, might not I with propriety ask, why the necessity, then, of the Lord speaking to Isaac as he did, as is recorded in the 26th chapter of Genesis? For the Lord there repeats, or rather promises again, to perform the oath which he had previously sworn unto Abraham. And why this repetition to Isaac? Why was not the first promise as sure for Isaac as it was for Abraham? Was not Isaac Abraham’s son? And could he not place implicit confidence in the word of his father as being a man of God? Of course he could. I rather imagine he did. So the real question is why wasn't what he told Abraham good enough for God, when it came to Isaac? Perhaps you may say that he was a very peculiar man and different from men in these last days Actually, no, I wouldn't. Because I am of your persuasion, Joseph. Moving right along.

I may believe that Enoch walked with God. I may believe that Abraham communed with God and conversed with angels. I may believe that Isaac obtained a renewal of the covenant made to Abraham by the direct voice of the Lord. I may believe that Jacob conversed with holy angels and heard the word of his Maker, that he wrestled with the angel until he prevailed and obtained a blessing. I may believe that Elijah was taken to heaven in a chariot of fire with fiery horses. I may believe that the saints saw the Lord and conversed with him face to face after his resurrection. I may believe that the Hebrew church came to Mount Zion and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels. I may believe that they looked into eternity and saw the Judge of all, and Jesus, the Mediator of the new covenant.

But will all this purchase an assurance for me, or waft me to the regions of eternal day with my garments spotless, pure, and white? Ah. Now I finally se where you're headed with this. I had guessed a little wrong. Or, must I not rather obtain for myself, by my own faith and diligence in keeping the commandments of the Lord, an assurance of salvation for myself? Interesting question. Is an assurance of salvation prerequisite for salvation? Can one not be saved--not in ignorance, per se, but in ignorance of having been saved? And have I not an equal privilege with the ancient saints? And will not the Lord hear my prayers and listen to my cries as soon as he ever did to theirs if I come to him in the manner they did? I suspect he will. And since the quotation ends here, I'm guessing you intended the question to be rhetorically obvious anyway.
We can make everything we undertake a subject of prayer.

O Thou, who seest and knowest the hearts of all men … , look down upon Thy servant Joseph at this time; and let faith on the name of Thy Son Jesus Christ, to a greater degree than Thy servant ever yet has enjoyed, be conferred upon him, even the faith of Elijah; and let the lamp of eternal life be lit up in his heart, never to be taken away; and let the words of eternal life be poured upon the soul of Thy servant, that he may know Thy will, Thy statutes, and Thy commandments, and Thy judgments, to do them. As the dews upon Mount Hermon, may the distillations of Thy divine grace, glory, and honor, in the plenitude of Thy mercy, and power, and goodness, be poured down upon the head of Thy servant. You know, I never thought to offer a prayer quite like that one. But why not? Are those not righteous desires?

Remember that without asking we can receive nothing; therefore, ask in faith, and ye shall receive such blessings as God sees fit to bestow upon you. I find this so mysterious. I can accept it, but only so deeply. I am given so much without asking--unless we presume breathing is a form of asking for air or being born a form of asking for many of life's incidentals. So what specifically is available only to those who ask. Or am I taking the word 'ask' too literally; I can't imagine I am--the whole point of what he is saying is about deliberate studied prayer.

Virtue is one of the most prominent principles that enables us to have confidence in approaching our Father who is in heaven in order to ask wisdom at his hand. I wonder if this is the same virtue that Jesus felt go out of him when the woman touched his robe? Therefore, if thou wilt cherish this principle in thine heart, thou mayest ask with all confidence before him and it shall be poured out upon thine head. In common speech, virtue is not a specific thing at all, but a generic thing set. What then is the scriptural/Josephal definition of virtue?

Be plain and simple and ask for what you want, just like you would go to a neighbor and say, I want to borrow your horse to go to [the] mill.I think part of why this is good advice is that it takes a lot more faith to ask for something directly than to beat around the bush with your sespequeds and your obfuscations.

A person may profit by noticing the first intimation of the spirit of revelation; for instance, when you feel pure intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon Pure intelligence flowing into you--- I know it's traditional to talk of burning bosoms, but that image always sounds more like cool spring water refreshing the parched soul.; those things that were presented unto your minds by the Spirit of God, will come to pass; and thus by learning the Spirit of God and understanding it, you may grow into the principle of revelation, until you become perfect in Christ Jesus. Good plan.

I have an old edition of the New Testament in the Latin, Hebrew, German and Greek languages. . . . I thank God that I have got this old book; but I thank him more for the gift of the Holy Ghost. Seriously. The Blue Letter Bible is awesome, but without the Spirit, it is a mere intellectual plaything.

No man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations. The Holy Ghost is a revelator. Interesting. And I think it broadens the definition of 'revelation'.

Elder Taylor, you have been baptized, you have had hands laid upon your head for the reception of the Holy Ghost, and you have been ordained to the holy priesthood. Now, if you will continue to follow the leadings of that spirit, it will always lead you right. Sometimes it might be contrary to your judgment Boy. Ain't that the truth.; never mind that, follow its dictates; and if you be true to its whisperings it will in time become in you a principle of revelation so that you will know all things. Which is what I want. I want to be worthy of that. Right now, I don't trust myself with knowing all things. But I think to be worthy of that gift would be the most wonderful thing of all.

last week's svithe

8th of '08

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040) 20th Century Ghosts by Joe Hill, finished May 9

I didn't expect to read more than a couple stories from this collection when I checked it out from the library -- just a nicely packed collection of silly horror stories, I presumed.

Boy was I wrong.

First, not all the stories properly belong to the category Literature of the Weird, and even fewer count as out-and-out horror stories. He's more like Neil Gaiman than the artless boo!ers we so often dismiss horror writers as. I hate to overuse an often overused word, so I won't (yet) and I'll just say this was a good book. I love me a fine short story collection.

Here's a breakdown, story by story:

Best New Horror is a classic horror set up with classic delivery. And manages to claim irony without needing to be ironic.

20th Century Ghost may well be the most beautiful ghost story ever. (Hey! Why not make grandiose claims?)

Pop Art blends humanity and absurdity in a manner exceedingly easy to be jealous of.

You Will Hear the Locust Sing is a cross between Kafka's Metamorphosis, 50s atomic terror and Columbine.

Abraham's Boys -- Just what kind of person was Van Helsing? This is a more terrifying and satisfying read than the pasty original ever was. And nary a vampire in sight.

Better Than Home is an excellent nonweird story about a boy with issues and his dad, an MLB manager.

The Black Phone? Eh. Okay story about a boy and his serial killer.

In the Rundown is like a happier version of a depressing story by T.C. Boyle or J.C. Oates. Although by "happier", don't assume that it doesn't have a psychotic knife-wielding mother in it.

The Cape. I keep finding this wild reimaginings of superhero tropes. I like them.

Last Breath and Dead-Wood are more sketches than stories but good at what they are: "serious" larks.

The Widow's Breakfast is not weird, nice, too short. The idea-to-heart ratio is off.

Bobby Conroy Comes Back from the Dead may seem to have a really pedestrian title, but it works on several levels and is actually a really terrific title. This is one of the few stories to really tap into the vulgarity characteristic of Hill's father. And, also like his father, it has a human beauty that flowers out of that vulgarity. Who knew such things could happen to zombies on the set of Dawn of the Dead?

My Father's Mask is a near perfect story of the strange, an off-kilter fall into a world that must not exist, with no sense or answers but with a certain reality. Speaking of Gaiman, you could compare it to Coraline. And, speaking of me, it's about a perfect example of why I feel Hill is writing the fiction I am writing, only better edited and in book form. Which is a pretty substantial set of differences.

Voluntary Committal -- Christopher Golden, who wrote the book's introduction, had this to say: "'Voluntary Committal,' the piece that closes this collection is among the best novellas I have ever read . . . I confess I am the victim of inner turmoil as I struggle between elation and the urge to beat the crap out of him [Hill]. 'Voluntary Committal' is that good." Now, I don't know if it's that good, but it is pretty good.

Scheherazade's Typewriter is hidden away in the acknowledgments, which is really a pretty appropriate place to hide it. It's the tale of a father haunting his typewriter and the relationship his daughter forges with that typewriter. And it's quite nice except for . . . but I won't tell you. I'm sure you'll know what I mean.

one work week

039 I Am the President of Ice Cream by Geoff Sebesta, finished May 4

I bought this for Lady Steed from Comic Relief when I was there on Free Comic Book Day (I didn't think any of the free comics would appeal). And, great title or not, I'm not sure this one will either. You can read the whole thing at the link above. It is a strange, strange piece of work.

a day

038) On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan, finished May 3

I've sat on this book over a week before writing about it, in large part because I couldn't stop thinking about it. But now I need to write about it, ready or not, because I've finished this five.

Because this book is, on one level, entirely about sex, I'm going invisible. Ready?

I guess you are. Welcome to the sexzone.

On Chesil Beach is about a young newlywed couple in 1962---

Let me just quote the first couple sentences:

They were young, educated, and both virgins on this, their wedding night, and they lived in a time when a conversation about sexual difficulties was plainly impossible. But it is never easy.

True. For every person like my sister-in-law for whom night one of sex was a delight, there are plenty for whom it isn't.

The first sentence of the book (quoted above) could be read as snide -- ah those Fifties Prudes! -- but the second sentence belies that interpretation. One irony of our sex-talk-ually liberated times, is that talk about sexual difficulties gets, if anything, even more difficult. We may have the vocabulary (and words like penis and labia are easy enough to pronounce), but when every fourteen-year-old kid knows that sex is violent and quick and fun and instinctual and accompanied by cries of yes!yes!yes!, admitting you're not quite sure how the pieces hook together or simply being nervous -- to say nothing of downright dread -- seems impossible and embarrassing. It's no accident "virgin" is an insult these days. Who could dare to admit they are lacking knowledge which is so obviously ubiquitous.

Anyway, I'll try to avoid ranting as I talk about this book because I genuinely loved it. It's beautiful. Beautiful like . . . like The Sundays' Static & Silence is beautiful. Poetic and true, lovely and possibly painful.

The basic (chronological) story is of their wedding night from the evening meal on. But much of the book is actually spent in flashback -- on how they met, they wooed, and made exchange of vow. It's a sweet tale of two kids in love in love in love so very much in love.

But love isn't just spirit and emotion. We reside in tabernacles of clay and clay likes to get dirty.

And this is where Edward and Florence split. And here I'm delivering a spoiler warning. Don't read between the asterisks if you don't want me to ruin anything.

*********************

Edward thinks about sex all the time. He thinks about Florence all the time. These two things go together.

Florence is terrified of sex. By saying Florence is terrified of sex, I don't mean to imply that Edward isn't scared himself. He is. He doesn't want to screw things up, haha. He wants this night to be perfect for both of then. He's horny, sure, but he loves Florence and he wants things to be just right.

And so does Florence. But to her, that suggests she will suffer sex for her love's sake.

I---

I don't even know how to write about this without talking about the brilliance of the solitary pubic hair or the moment she touches him. Every note is played exactly right, but summarized it becomes vulgar and something completely Other.

I posted recently on the propriety of sex in writing, but I didn't get much into it, but this book proves every point I never got around to making.

I---

This book is so beautiful. But not even in the spoiler section can I tell you what the final effect upon reading it it. I wouldn't take that away from you. It's 203 short pages. Just read it for yourself.

*********************

I was interested in this book because of a couple reviews, and I had been feeling it was time to read this McEwan fellow. I'm glad I have. I think I'll try Atonement out next....

two days

037) The Meaning of Everything: The Story of the Oxford English Dictionary by Simon Winchester, finished May Day

I've been feeling a little over-fictioned lately, and the need to get more nonfiction in my diet -- I keep neglecting it. This is the first step in redeeming that part of my soul that wants to learn about Interesting Facts.

It's a stretch, but I suppose you could call this a sequel to The Professor and the Madman, Winchester's book about the self-mutilating paranoid who helped James Murray build the Oxford English Dictionary (and which I enjoyed about six or seven years ago). This book is about the OED itself, from conception to "completion".

It was good, it was fun, it had lots of obscure words, I liked it. But I don't feel satiated. Somehow this lexicographic entry into my nonfiction snackings wasn't what I was looking for. I don't quite know why . . . but maybe the next one will meet my needs.

I gotta craving and it's gotta be filled.

I'm thinking I'll finally read The Hot Zone next, but I have a feeling that will leave me similarly dissatisfied. I think maybe I need something hardcore academic.

Hmmm.

Well, it's something to think about anyway.

Speaking of anyway, I liked this book very much. Totally worth reading. You can borrow it if you like. It's on the bottom shelf of the fourth bookcase. Anytime.

almost two weeks

036) The Drifting Classroom Vol. 1 by Kazuo Umezu, finished April 30

So. My second fully manga book. This one I quite liked, but there are at least 11 volumes of this classic work (1970s), the most recent having been released this month, and the ideas of a) spending $110 on them, b) wrangling them in order from the library system, c) trying to read them in our newly chairless BnN, are all horrible to contemplate. Which is a shame, because the opening bit was compelling, and what I've since learned about the author intrigues me.

It's a shame manga can't be casual. If it didn't require an entire change of lifestyle, I'ld be more willing to give it a shot.

breakfast

Previously:

035) The Complete Peanuts 1965 - 1966 by Charles M. Schulz, finished April 29
034 Nextwave: Agents Of H.A.T.E Volume 1: This Is What They Want by Warren Ellis et Stuart Immonen et al, finished April 29
033) Batman: Hush, Vol. 2 by Jeph Loeb et al, finished April 29
032) Batman: Hush, Vol. 1 by Jeph Loeb et al, finished April 28
031) Chéri by Colette, finished April 17
030) Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett, finished April 13
029) Animal Farm by George Orwell, finished April 8
028) Macbeth by William Shakespeare, finished April 7
027) On the Road to Heaven by Coke Newell, finished April 4
026) The Great American Citizenship Quiz: Can You Pass Your Own Country's Citizenship Test? by Solomon M. Skolnick, finished March 23
025) Long After Dark by Todd Robert Petersen, finished March 23
024) The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch, finished March 21
023) Robot Dreams by Sara Varon, finished March 10
022) The Complete Peanuts 1963-1964 by Charles M. Schulz, finished March 9
021) Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters, finished March 7
020) Unorthodox Practices by Marissa Piesman, finished March 5
019) Happy Hour at Casa Dracula by Marta Acosta, finished March 4
018) A War of Gifts: An Ender Story by Orson Scott Card, finished Leap Day
017) Watership Down by Richard Adams, finished February 26
016) Old Boy Volume One by Garon Tsuchiya and Nobuaki Minegishi, finished February 25
015) Case Histories by Kate Atkinson, finished February 18
014) Ultimate Spider-Man: Ultimate Collection, Vol. 1 by Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley, finished February 15
013) Trusting Jesus by Jeffrey R. Holland, finished February 11
012) Fables: 1001 Nights of Snowfall by Bill Willingham et al., finished February 11
011) Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife by Mary Roach, finished February 4
010) The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, finished February 3
009) American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang, finished LDotFMotNY
008) Zombification: Stories from National Public Radio by Andrei Codrescu, finished January 22
007) Marriage Lines: Notes of a Student Husband by Ogden Nash, finished January 22
006) Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen, finished January 20
005) The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time by Douglas Adams, finished January 14
004) Lord of the Flies by William Golding, finished January 10
003) Rising Sun by Michael Crichton, finished January 7
002) The Marketing of Sister B by Linda Hoffman Kimball, finished January 2
001) Animal Farm by George Orwell, finished January 1



The First Five ( 001 / 005 )
The Second Five ( 005 / 010 )
The Third Five ( 011 / 015 )
The Fourth Five ( 016 / 020 )
The Fifth Five ( 021 / 025 )
The Sixth Five ( 026 / 030 )
The Seventh Five ( 031 / 035 )

Svithe: The Big O's Illustrated Book of Mormon (installment one)

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(From your left to right: A river, the people who hold on to the rod [as one representative soul], the rod leading to the tree, the tree, the building in the air.)



last week's svithe

What do you see?

My secret identity has been compromised!

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..... What do I do now???